Andy Labis, Author at Entertainment Ave!

The Black Dahlia

MPAA Rated – R
It’s 2:01 Long
A Preview by:
– The Dude on the Right

The Black Dahlia Movie Stats & Links
Starring:	Josh Hartnett, Aaron Eckhart, Scarlett Johansson, Hilary Swank
MPAA Rated:	R
Released By:	Universal Pictures
Release Date:	2006
Directed By:	Brian De Palma

He’s got the reputation. He’s got Academy Award winner Hilary Swank. He’s got up-and-quickly-comer Scarlett Johansson. And he’s got Josh Hartnett. Okay, hopefully Brian De Palma pulls the best out of Josh Hartnett, but the movie does have an interesting story to start, about what the film site says is “Inspired by the most notorious unsolved murder in California history.”

It’s the 1940’s and Bucky (Josh Hartnett) and Lee (Aaron Eckhart) are police officers. They’ve been assigned to cover the death of an actress, Elizabeth Short (Mia Kirshner), whose body has pretty much been mutilated, in the largest sense of the word, and there are tons of twists and turns that seem to involve everyone’s life. Some people are good, some people are dirty, and some people are totally obsessed, but isn’t every good murder mystery supposed to do just that?

Nothing against Josh Hartnett, but the trailer isn’t looking too promising for him, amongst the other casts in the lead roles, but I’ll still try to bump this up on my “must see” list because of Scarlett and Hilary.

That’s it for this preview! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Being John Malkovich

MPAA Rated – R
It’s 1:52 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

Being John Malkovich Movie Stats & Links
Starring:	John Cusack, Cameron Diaz, Catherine Keener, John Malkovich, Charlie Sheen
MPAA Rated:	R
Released By:	USA Films
Kiddie Movie:	Let’s see? Sex. Nudity. Bad language. A fucked up story line. I don’t think so.
Date Movie:	She might chuckle or hate you.
Gratuitous Sex:	Some, and some nipple shots of Catherine.
Gratuitous Violence:	Craig locks Lotte in a monkey cage.
Action:	Not really.
Laughs:	Lots.
Memorable Scene:	John Malkovich entering John Malkovich.
Memorable Quote:	Too many to quote.
Directed By:	Spike Jonze

I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall listening in at this pitch meeting. “Well, the basic story of the movie goes like this. There’s this loser puppeteer. He can’t find a job as a puppeteer, is slightly perverted, and his wife is a little goofy and loves animals, especially taking care of a monkey who has ulcers and is in therapy, the monkey that is. Well, one day this puppeteer finds a job on the 7 ½ floor of an office building. The room is about 5 feet high so everybody has to crouch over. While there he finds the woman of his dreams but she has no interest in him. Then, one day he finds this door, crawls through, finds himself in John Malkovich’s head, and then after about 15 minutes he gets spit out on a ramp near the Jersey turnpike.” “Did you say ‘John Malkovich?'” “Yea, well, his nutty wife goes through the portal, thinks she’d like to be a man, falls in love with the hot chick his husband wants, and guess what, the hot chick falls in love with her, but only if she’s in John. But then the puppeteer realizes he can stay in John Malkovich and the hot chick doesn’t seem to care, sort of.” “That’s it?” “Well, you’ve also got a horny old boss who has this mysterious connection to John Malkovich.” “And we have to have John Malkovich?” “Well, yea, otherwise the title ‘Being John Malkovich’ will be pretty silly now, wouldn’t it?”

So, did you catch that? I can see you reading the basic gist of the movie above and going “Wow, that sounds pretty fucked up. I don’t know if I want to see that.” Well, “Being John Malkovich” is pretty fucked up, but totally enjoyable in a fucked up sort of way.

The movie has lots of laughs, mostly for the unbelievability of it all. First of all there is the 7 ½ floor, which you enter by hitting the stop button in the elevator as the light goes between 7 and 8 and prying open the doors with a crowbar. You can’t help but laugh as totally normal people walk around, hunched over, and find this normal. John Cusack as the wacky puppeteer, Craig, is great. Cameron Diaz does probably the only role I’ve ever seen her where I didn’t find her totally hot (just partially hot) as Lotte, Craig’s wife. Maxine (Catherine Keener) plays the “able to use any man” role just about perfect. And John Malkovich plays himself, which sounds bizarre enough, especially when John Malkovich isn’t really John Malkovich but is John Malkovich possessed by Craig. I know, it sounds twisted, but somehow it all comes together.

I guess going into any more of this movie won’t help because it probably won’t make any more sense than what I wrote above. Let’s just say that the humor isn’t the gut-busting kind, but there are lots of laughs and chuckles, mostly at the expense of John Malkovich and one at the expense of what Charlie Sheen will look like when male pattern baldness sets in.

I think you will come out of “Being John Malkovich” in one of two ways, either really liking the movie and saying it was twisted or really hating the movie and saying it was twisted. I’m on the liking side and give it 4 stars out of 5.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Basic

MPAA Rated – R
It’s 1:35 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

Basic Movie Stats & Links
Starring:	John Travolta, Samuel L. Jackson, Connie Nielsen, Giovanni Ribisi, Brian Van Holt
MPAA Rated:	R
Released By:	Columbia Pictures
Kiddie Movie:	Leave them, and yourself, at home.
Date Movie:	Leave them, and yourself, at home.
Gratuitous Sex:	Nope.
Gratuitous Violence:	There is a lot of shooting and people getting beat up.
Action:	Some people chase each other.
Laughs:	Most of the movie.
Memorable Scene:	None.
Memorable Quote:	None.
Directed By:	John McTiernan

SPOILER WARNING – SPOILER WARNING – SPOILER WARNING

I begin this review simply by saying if you don’t want to know any of the plot twists, turns, and regurgitations in “Basic,” quit reading know and come back after you have seen the movie to see if you agree or disagree. Otherwise, I’m going to give a lot of the movie away simply for that fact that in doing so you won’t have to waste your money a second or third time to try to go back in the movie to see if anything makes sense in the end. So here we go…

“Basic” is one of those movies that proves sometimes you can have too many plot twists, especially when the final twist ruins what would have been a decent ending to the movie. See if you can follow along, because I’m not really sure I was able to.

John Travolta is Tom Hardy, a DEA agent under investigation for possibly taking bribes. He gets a phone call one evening from an army base commander, Bill Styles (Tim Daly), because something went horribly wrong on a training mission and the interrogator he has doesn’t seem to be cutting it (she’s Lt. Osborne played by Connie Nielsen). It seems Sgt. West (Samuel L. Jackson) and his trainees had a little problem on a training mission. All that are left is Dunbar (Brian Van Holt) and Kendall (Giovanni Ribisi), and Kendall ain’t talkin’ because he’s in the hospital and Dunbar ain’t talkin’ because he wants to see an Army Ranger. Enter Hardy, an ex-Ranger and according to Styles, one hell of an interrogator. So, yea, Osborne doesn’t like Hardy, Hardy gets Dunbar to talk a little, and now that Kendall is awake from surgery, well they get one account of the story, of course implicating Dunbar. So it’s back to Dunbar, who now that his ass is on the line tells a different story of drugs and Kendall, and now it’s back to the hospital and eventually the head doc (Harry Connick Jr.) is involved in some drug trafficking using the army soldiers. Then it’s back to Dunbar, oh wait, maybe it’s back to Kendall, but we know someone is lying and then Kendall’s ears and nose bleed and he proceeds to vomit blood signifying he’s soon dead. Alright, now it’s back to the good doctor who mentions that Dunbar should be black, but our Dunbar is white, so now it’s time for Hardy to get Dunbar to talk by threatening to push him into a spinning propeller. Alright, finally the real story comes out of Dunbar, who is now Pike, or so it would seem, and then Hardy figures it out that Styles is really the lead bad dude, and Styles goes ahead and blows his cover telling Hardy that Kendall was poisoned before it came out that he was poisoned, then trying to bribe Hardy into his drug ring. Hardy says he’ll think about it, Styles pulls a gun, Osborne who is eavesdropping shoots Styles, and you think the movie is pretty much over, especially after Hardy gives Osborne his phone number hoping she’ll call him for some sex. But no, the movie’s not over yet. Nope. Driving away Osborne realizes that Hardy says an overused phrase, then tails him only to find Dunbar, I mean Pike, coming out of the bushes and into Hardy’s car. So rather than call for back-up, she of course follows only to end up in a basement where everyone who was supposed to be dead at the training exercise is magically alive, including the good Sgt. West. And as you try to follow the cryptic explanations from these people as to what they do, what really would have helped would be a real flashback that would have explained the entire more.

So, there you have it, in the end West and Hardy are buddies and not dead, neither are Dunbar and Pike, and somehow this all ties together to get the drug ring stopped. Feel free to use any or all of this spoiler to try to follow along and put it all together as you watch the movie because all I know is that when the credits started to roll I was left with the feeling of “What kind of crap was that?”

Plot twists are great when done properly, and done properly means that you are shocked but yet instantly everything makes sense. “Basic” was full of twists, but after the conclusion twist you sit there too tired of twists to even want to try to piece everything together, you’re just glad to go home.

My recommendation for this movie is wait for its run on cable. There you can watch it again and again if you want without wasting your money on a DVD, or God forbid a second viewing. By trying to be so shocking, “Basic” just leaves you tired. 1 star out of 5.

That’s it for this review! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

The Banger Sisters

MPAA Rated – R
It’s 1:38 Long
A Preview by:
– The Dude on the Right

The Banger Sisters Movie Stats & Links
Starring:	Susan Sarandon, Goldie Hawn
MPAA Rated:	R
Released By:	Fox Searchlight
Directed By:	Bob Dolman

Alright, so I’m a pig, but Susan Sarandon is still holding on as a MILF, Goldie Hawn – not so much. But the simplest way to put what is said in the trailer is this. Goldie Hawn is the rock groupie who has never grown up. Susan Sarandon has settled into her life in suburbia, complete with kids who don’t know her sordid past, and a loving husband. Goldie is looking for new life, she seeks out Susan trying to find it, and Susan realizes that her past is as much a part of her, and can actually teach her a few lessons on how to deal with her life in suburbia.

This has chick-flick written all over it, but it still looks kinda cute for the dudes. Right now I’d say let your lady drag you to the movie, it might be alright, but get things ready for some sappy chick moments.

That’s it for this preview! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Osama is Dead, A Priest is Suspended, Fast Five is Great, and the Cleveland Indians don’t Suck. Here Comes the Apocalypse!

By: The Dude on the Right

Download and Listen

I wonder what Stu Gotz thinks about Osama Bin Laden being dead, but just as, if not more important during this Weekend Wrap-Up! podcast, I question Stu on a topic he will know nothing about, namely how in the hell the Cleveland Indians have the best record in baseball right now. Stu’s weekend was a little tame, mostly just hanging with the kids and watching “Jackass 3,” while I was all over the place. The world’s greatest nephew took me to see Coheed and Cambria in concert at the House of Blues in Chicago, and I liked it even though I didn’t know any songs, and we also had a chance to catch the greatest movie ever, in the likes of “Fast Five,” the fifthwel in the series bringing The Rock into “The Fast and The Furious” franchise. But what would a short tourist trip for the W.G.N. be without being a little bit of a tourist, so myself, The BFF, and the W.G.N. played tourist on Sunday hitting “The Ledge” at The Sears, I mean Willis Tower, checking out The Bean at Millenium Park, and taking in the “Hand Painted Posters from Ghana” exhibit at the Chicago Cultural Center.

And, oh yea, in case you are wondering, Hope Dworaczyk was fired on “Celebrity Apprentice,” and Osama Bin Laden is still dead.

Thanks for listening!

That’s it for this podcast! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Bad Company

MPAA Rated – PG-13
It’s 1:51 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

Bad Company Movie Stats & Links
Starring:	Anthony Hopkins, Chris Rock
MPAA Rated:	PG-13
Released By:	Touchstone Pictures
Kiddie Movie:	Not really.
Date Movie:	Sure, bring her along.
Gratuitous Sex:	Wishful but no.
Gratuitous Violence:	People getting shot.
Action:	People getting chased.
Laughs:	Chris Rock style humor.
Memorable Scene:	I have just two words to say: Air Supply
Memorable Quote:	Jake Hayes’ mother: “Hand me that umbrella so I can hit you again.”
Directed By:	Joel Schumacher

Are you looking for just a fun movie, with a few laughs and some action, that probably could have done better by pushing the edge into the R rating, and will do well for a weekend matinee or waiting for it at the couple-of-dollar cinema, then “Bad Company” is for you. Are you looking for a fantastic spy thriller dominated by fantastic acting and a terrifying plot? Stay home.

Let’s go…

So by now you have seen from the trailers that the CIA needs Jake Hayes, the twin brother of Kevin Pope (both played by Chris Rock), to help save the world. Oakes (Anthony Hopkins) is the man who must make this happen, and he doesn’t think this plan will work, but the powers that be say bring him in. So Oakes recruits Hayes, a man who could really use $50,000 so that the love of his life doesn’t move to Seattle. The problem is that Oakes and the rest of the CIA people don’t really tell Hayes what is going on, up until the bad dudes almost kill him.

To keep things simple, Kevin Pope set up a deal with a Russian to buy a suitcase sized nuclear bomb. If the CIA doesn’t get it, the really bad dudes will and set it off in the USA. Well, Pope gets killed, Hayes gets recruited, and yes, he saves the day (please, like you couldn’t figure that out?). And really, that’s all you need to know about the plot.

There’s nothing special about this movie. Chris Rock does what Chris Rock does – play things a little over the top, and for me he just isn’t as funny when it comes off like he is doing shtick. The better times for Chris Rock are when he is the straight CIA man. Please get him out of the roles as the over-the-top black man beaten down by the white man and give this guy a villain role. Hopkins is in a role that he plays well, but when doesn’t he? He’s the CIA guy who has no belief that the plan to recruit Hayes will work, but his hands are tied so he does what he can to get Hayes to realize the potential inside of him.

Don’t expect too much and you’ll like this movie. Expect a lot and you’ll be disappointed. I give it 3 stars out of 5. Catch the matinee, the cheaper show, or wait for a rental.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Movie Mania, Another Easter Over, Buh Bye La Toya, and Hello Paula, maybe.

By: The Dude on the Right

Download and Listen

Another Easter has come and gone but not without an abundance of food, and Stu Gotz and I detail some of our food partaking during this episode of our “Weekend Wrap-Up!” podcast. (Would you believe that pierogis and sushi might be involved?). Along with gastrointestinal delights, my weekend included a lot of TV viewing, mostly catching up on my staple of “Survivor,” “Celebrity Apprentice,” and playoff games of the Chicago Bulls and Blackhawks. Stu, meanwhile, was seeing a lot of movies and does his best to let you know if you should see “Hanna,” “The Lincoln Lawyer,” and “Water for Elephants,” the last of which leads to a discussion of movies “based” on books. And in news that makes me happy, I’m almost totaling looking forward to “The X Factor” now that the story over the weekend is that Paula Abdul is close to being announced as a judge! Okay, subsequent stories say “not so fast,” but hey, a man who loves babbling TV can dream, can’t he?

There is no rest for the wicked, and it seems no rest for Stu and I over a weekend, but that’s okay because in the words of Bon Jovi, sort of, we’ll sleep when we’re dead.

Thanks for listening!

That’s it for this podcast! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

The Avengers

MPAA Rated – PG-13
It’s It’s too long. Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

The Avengers Movie Stats & Links
Starring:	Ralph Fiennes, Uma Thurman, Sean Connery
MPAA Rated:	PG-13
Released By:	Warner Bros.
Kiddie Movie:	They’d probably laugh at the giant teddy bears, but I’d leave them at home anyway.
Date Movie:	Only if you hate her.
Gratuitous Sex:	None, damn.
Gratuitous Violence:	A stabbing, some killer mechanical bees, but nothing horrible.
Action:	Ehh.
Laughs:	Stupid ones.
Memorable Scene:	Every outfit Uma had on.
Memorable Quote:	None.
Directed By:	Jermiah Chichik

I’ve watched a few episodes of the original “Avengers” TV show, but that seems like so long ago that I don’t really remember it much. With that, I have no comparison of the movie out in theaters to the TV show, so I can’t spend half of my review doing so. In that case I’ll just get right to it and say that unless you lust over Uma Thurman, want to see guys in giant teddy bear suits, or want to sit in your seat for an hour and a half wondering why there are no cars on the road, don’t go see “the Avengers.”

Alright, the movie isn’t that bad, it’s just that there is nothing to really have me try to tell you that you should spend your hard-earned dollar on seeing it. Want the story – here we go: Sean Connery plays a disgruntled scientist who has found a way to control the weather. Ralph Fiennes plays John Steed, the secret agent, and Uma Thurman plays Emma Peel, the sexy doctor who can also kick some ass. Oh, yea, you also get a cloning topic thrown in there. So, yea, you guessed it, the disgruntled scientist threatens to ruin the world unless he gets a lot of cash, and somehow it’s up to Steed and Peel to save the world. I remember another story-line about a weather dominator, it was for the soap opera “General Hospital,” and, quite frankly, I liked the GH story-line better because at least with that you knew what to expect, “the Avengers” just left me wondering.

See, I sat there wondering why there seemed to be no cars on the road except Steed’s, the bad guys, the Ministry’s secret bus, and, well, that’s about it, and when the bridge got blown out by a tornado or wave (I can’t remember) my thought was “Well, it’s not like they needed it anyway.” Then I found it more amusing than anything with the scientists all decked out in these giant teddy bear outfits so neither would know who the other was. Then I wondered what year it was supposed to be because they had pretty cool computer technology yet drove cars that seemed older than me. I also wondered why only a few people carried guns. I guess I just sat there wondering a lot, and really happy that I just went to a matinee.

The quick things I read on the internet before going to see this movie talked about how the movie was choppy, how there was no chemistry between Uma and Ralph, but that the shooting of the film looked good. Yea, so be it, say what you want, but I was disappointed in two things really. One, if you’re having a movie made in the 90’s (not set in the 90’s, but made in the 90’s) about a weather dominator, and the destruction it can cause, how about some better effects shots of Mom Nature reeking havoc, rather than just a lame snow-storm. Two, as much as I couldn’t believe it, Sean Connery couldn’t pull off the disgruntled scientist/bad guy role. I guess I can’t blame Connery’s acting, I think it was just the character in general was so lame.

Was it supposed to be an attempt at British style humor trying to appeal to the American crowd? Was it supposed to be kinda goofy, sort of like I vaguely remember the old series? Was it supposed to be entertaining? To all of these questions, well, I just don’t know.

So, what does “the Avengers” get? It’s 1 ½ stars out of 5. For a movie with so much potential it just really let me down.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

The Astronaut Farmer

MPAA Rated – PG
It’s Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

The Astronaut Farmer Movie Stats & Links
Starring:	Billy Bob Thornton, Virginia Madsen
MPAA Rated:	PG
Released By:	Warner Bros.
Directed By:	Michael Polish

I always dreamt of being an astronaut too, but I guess my problem is that I’m not a farmer, or a Farmer for that matter.

Anyway, Billy Bob Thornton is Charles Farmer. He was in line to be an astronaut but family stuff got in his way. He still wanted to end up in space so he set out on his life quest to build a rocket and become an astronaut. It seems the government isn’t too keen on someone being an astronaut on their own, so they try to put an end to Charles’ dream, but Charles is a stubborn man, with the love of a good woman, Audie (Virginia Madsen), and great kids.

This looks like a feel-good movie for the entire family, especially for the kids that don’t think they are too cool anymore, and for anyone who has a dream to fulfill.

That’s it for this preview! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Arlington Road

MPAA Rated – R
It’s 1:57 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

Arlington Road Movie Stats & Links
Starring:	Tim Robbins, Jeff Bridges
MPAA Rated:	R
Released By:	Columbia Pictures
Directed By:	Mark Pellington

What would you do if you found out your goody-two-shoes neighbor is really an architect for some terrorist bombings? That seems to be the premise of “Arlington Road.,” where Jeff Bridges finds out that his neighbor, Tim Robbins, has been blowing up buildings. Nobody seems to believe him, and he doesn’t really have the proof to get the feds involved, but Jeff seems to know, Tim finds out, Tim kidnaps Jeff’s kid, and the action sequence is on.

This looks like a decent thriller type film, but I’m kind of worried about the ending falling apart. I see Jeff saving his kid, saving a big-ol’ building from blowing up, and Tim Robbins ending up dead or being caught. I hope I didn’t ruin it for myself.

I’ll wait and see on this one.

That’s it for this preview! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!