Andy Labis, Author at Entertainment Ave!

Would You Confuse “Hotel California” as a Fleetwood Mac Song?

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As I’m getting maybe one of the worst haircuts in my entire lifetime, and that includes some of the old “bowl” haircuts my mom used to give me, I had tons of ideas for some of these “wonders,” including wondering how long it’s been since your last, bad haircut, if you ever felt you were going to be stabbed while getting your hair cut, if you wanted to just jump out of the chair and run while getting your hair cut, and wondering if you ever had a haircut where the person cutting your hair didn’t ask you, somewhere during the process, if it looked okay, instead just saying you were done and letting you go on your merry way.

I know, what does this have to do with Fleetwood Mac and/or the Eagles?

Well, let me tell you.

The girl cutting my hair was in her twenties. I know this because she commented how her friends were all in their twenties also, and she couldn’t believe they were having kids since that meant they couldn’t go out drinking and have fun anymore. Sure, that seemed a little peculiar as I know a lot of people with kids having a ton of fun, but hey, what do I know? As I’m sitting there I hear the music in the background and for whatever reason they are using iHeart Radio and listening to KOST 103.5, because, I guess, Chicago doesn’t have any decent Adult Contemporary stations. “Hotel California” from the Eagles comes on, and the girl makes a comment how she’s a huge Fleetwood Mac fan. “Okay,” I thought, “I’ll try to converse some more since the entire ‘kids don’t let you drink anymore’ conversation has stalled.” “Oh, are you going to their concert coming to town.” Yes, Fleetwood Mac was touring again and coming to Chicago in the fall. She replied “No,” and then said “This is Fleetwood Mac, right?”

Instantly in my head was “You are a huge Fleetwood Mac fan, but, umm, you confuse them with the Eagles?”, but I nicely comment, “No, this is the Eagles,” to which she replies “Oh. My dad is a huge Eagles fan, and my mom love Fleetwood Mac,” or maybe it was the other way around, but in any case I went back to screaming in my head wondering what my hair was going to look like at the end of this because, did I mention, that she didn’t have the chair so you could see yourself in the mirror as she was cutting your hair?

I do understand she was in her twenties, and haircut wonders aside, as I was driving away with tears in my eyes wondering how I would explain this haircut to anyone and if my wife would love me anymore, I couldn’t help but wonder: Would you confuse “Hotel California” as a Fleetwood Mac song?

That’s it for this one! L8R!!

Sophia Grace & Rosie’s Royal Adventure

MPAA Rated – G
It’s 1:10 Long
A Review by:
–Andy Labis

Sophia Grace & Rosie’s Royal Adventure Movie Stats & Links
Starring:	Sophia Grace Brownlee, Rosie McClelland, Amy Louis Wilson, Anna Skellem, Margaret Clunie
MPAA Rated:	G
Release Date:	May 20, 2014
Distributed By:	Warner Bros. Home Video
Kiddie Movie:	It’s really who this movie is for, or fans of Ellen.
Date Movie:	Only if it’s your husband, and he’s watching it with the kids.
Gratuitous Sex:	Um, no.
Gratuitous Violence:	Some slapstick.
Action:	Some running.
Laughs:	Cute laughs.
Memorable Scene:	Rosie’s use of her last wish, and Sophia Grace questioning her reasoning.
Memorable Quote:	Nothing stood out.
Directed By:	Brian Levant
Cool things about the Blu-ray:	You can learn about pink, and sing along with the girls.

In the world of “You will get exactly what you’d expect” and “cookie-cutter movie,” I bring you “Sophia Grace & Rosie’s Royal Adventure.” And that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

First the back-story, and you can skip this paragraph if you already know who this duo is. Sophia Grace Brownlee and Rosie McClelland became famous for having a video of them singing and dancing to Nicki Minaj’s “Super Bass” go viral. Ellen DeGeneres, never one to shy away from having an Internet sensation on her show, invited them on, they sang and danced, and the Ellen fans loved her. Seeing gold, and because the girls are uber-cute, Ellen kept having them as guests, with Sophia Grace doing most of the boisterous talking while Rosie was just adorable. Then Ellen realized “Let’s have them be correspondents!” and the pair started doing red-carpet reporting, and you would thing the rest was history.

Of course not. Let’s make a movie!

So we get the girls in a fictional movie where, as correspondents for The Ellen DeGeneres Show, they head to Switzelvania to cover the coronation of the new queen. Under the watch of Phyllis Bundt (Amy Louise Wilson), the girls head over on their flight, Phyllis, of course, loses the girls and ends up on her own adventure to get back together with them, and the girls find themselves sneaking into the castle.

At the castle the girls, instead of just being correspondents, are mistaken for nieces for the princesses, and decide to just roll with it. As fakers they get to individually meet the princesses and realize things are a mess in Switzelvania. There’s Princess Imogen (Anna Skellem) who is obsessed with herself, another who is a ditz, and Abigail (Margaret Clunie), the shy one who likes to dress up as a super hero. The girls quickly realize that the best choice is Abigail, but she is far from Queen material, and their new quest is to give her a crash-course in manners and poise.

And hilarity ensues.

Oh, and did I mention there is a magical duck that grants Rosie three wishes?

I know I should say “Spoiler alert,” but if you can’t realize that our heroes save the day, that Abigail becomes Queen after Rosie uses her magic duck, and that Phyllis ends up with a hunk, you do not really understand the meaning of “cookie-cutter” as I mentioned in the opening of this review.

Look, this movie wasn’t made to bring any Academy Award nods, although I’m one to give an award to the duck, but really it’s just a nice, fun movie for fans of Sophia Grace and Rosie, with a cute, happily ever after story, and the girls get to sing and dance. If the movie was being promoted as something fantastic and a must-see I would probably give it 2 stars in terms of originality and acting, maybe even less, but the movie is really being set up as what it is, you will get exactly what you expect if you know who the girls are, and for that I’m going to add a star for 3 stars out of 5. Not the greatest of films, I would have liked a little more originality, but the girls are their adorable selves, and the right princess does become Queen. Get it knowing exactly what you are going to get.

As far as the extras on the Blu-ray combo pack mostly it’s about the singing and dancing department with a featurette of the songs in the movie, and I learned a lot about pink, but for the most part the extras aren’t anything uber-special.

That’s it for this one! L8R!!

Have You Used a Radar Dedector?

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There I am, driving in the dude-mobile, and I spot it, stuck to the windshield of the car in front of me, this little object with a row of red lights, and I thought to myself, “Self, that’s a radar dedector. I didn’t know anyone even bought them anymore. I wonder if they’re even worth it.”

I remember the days of the Fuzzbuster, and the constantly changing technology that whenever it seemed you had the latest and greatest device to let you speed, along came a different style radar gun to thwart it, finally leading to LIDAR, using fancy laser light to detect your speed, thereby reducing the effectiveness of most radar detectors to nil. For me I’m not a speed demon, in fact I’ve been ridiculed on trips with my friends as they would kindly mention that “Grandma Moses just passed you up!”, and the one time I did get a speeding ticket it was when I was clocked by aircraft on the Ohio Turnpike where, as I was cruising with most of the traffic, we all came up on a lane reduction, thereby causing everyone to slow down, and the lovely patrolman was standing on the side of the road pointing at just about every car coming up on the zone and directing them to the side of the road to get their respective tickets.

Lately many manufacturers have incorporated things light red-light camera notification and using GPS to tell you where speed traps tend to be, but as many smart-phones have an app that does the same thing, I find it a little odd that the dude in front of me had one. Sure, it can go back a while, but I do wonder: Have you used a radar dedector? If you have, I would love to know if it has been recently, and if it helped thwart the fuzz.

That’s it for this one! L8R!!

Would You Respond to an Ad Posted on the Side of the Road?

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Driving in the dude-mobile the other day I’m seeing a plethora of handwritten signs on the side of the road at intersection. Now, every now and then I see the signs for garage sales and the never-ending furniture stores announcing they are going out of business and liquidating all of their stock which always makes me wonder how many furniture stores there are, and why are they always going out of business. This time, though, was a garage sale kind of sign stuck in the ground, and written in giant marker, sloppily, it bragged that an investor was seeking an apprentice and that by working part time you could make $5,000 a month, while if you really put the full-time effort you could be pulling in $10,000 a month! “Holy cow!” I thought, $5,000 a month for a part-time job? Sweet! And I’d only be an apprentice? My God, what could I actually make if I were the “investor?”

The curious person in me wanted to jot down the phone number and call, but the logical person in me was skeptical, kind of like with the liquidating furniture stores, and figured I would just get roped into some scam where I would sink our life savings into some scam business where the way you make money is by convincing an “apprentice” to pay you money for the secrets to making money, all the while dispatching said “apprentice” to post signs on the side of the road.

I notice them all of the time, poorly written instructions on a garage-sale kind of sign, stuck in the side of the road, where I can be a painter, realtor, apprentice, and the like, all the while making exorbitant amounts of money for just a little bit of work, and I wonder: Would you respond to an ad posted on the side of the road? On a secondary note, it you have, I would love to hear your story of how that worked out.

That’s it for this one! L8R!!

Would You Go on a Water Slide Taller than The Statue of Liberty?

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The other week I’m watching the news and there is talk of a water slide that has officially broken the Guinness World Record for tallest water slide. Sure, there’s a world record for just about anything these days, so why not a water slide? Most people might probably expect the story to be at some exotic location, maybe Dubai or Kuala Lampur, you know, those places where they are building skyscrapers that touch the heavens, or maybe at some fancy Six Flags theme park, but no, instead of the United States sporting the tallest skyscraper we get to now boast the tallest water slide, and not in some huge metropolis – to ride the tallest water slide get your butt to Kansas City, Kansas (not the Missouri version), and this place called the Schlitterbahn Water Park, a chain of water parks throughout the country, but now making Kansas City famous.

The ride is called Verruckt, and clocking in at 168′ 7″, the drop is taller than The Statue of Liberty or going over Niagara Falls, and as the website lets you know, you won’t be getting a super-wedgie as this is an actual ride where you will be safely secured in a four person raft before going over a second hill a mere 50 feet.

Sure, the fact you will be in a raft might take some of the daredevil nature out of the ride, but still, it seems kind of wacky going down a water slide that would be like plunging over Niagara, though no more wacky than some of the tallest roller coasters. Me, I used to be a roller coaster kind of guy, though that has waned mostly because I haven’t been to my favorite theme part in the world, Cedar Point, in years, home to some of the best coasters and memories squiggles and of my buddy Rob doing an impression of Cornholio before we even knew who Cornholio was.

I probably won’t be making it to Schlittergahn anytime soon, but America, be proud! We have the tallest water slide, but I wonder: Would you go on a water slide taller than The Statue of Liberty?

That’s it for this one! L8R!!

Is There a Commercial that Drives Your Pet Bonkers?

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I officially hate Mark Cuban. No, it’s not because of his somewhat arrogant attitude. No, it’s not because of some of the things he’s invested in on “Shark Tank.” No, it’s not because I’m secretly jealous. Okay, hate is a strong word, so I suppose I don’t hate him, but he’s really getting on my nerves.

Why?

Because he’s the centerpiece of a current AT&T commercial for their U-Verse service, and every time it comes on our dog goes bonkers. Why? Because it has a doorbell that sounds exactly like our doorbell, and it rings at least 1000 times in a span of 30 seconds.

In the commercial the doorbell rings, and Mark answers the door, holding his tablet with the big game on it. A basketball legend arrives, they watch the game on his table while walking to the living room, then the doorbell rings again, more basketball players show up, they watch the game on the way to the room, and the situation keeps playing out about 1000 times (or at least so it seems as our dog goes ballistic with every doorbell ring) eventually leaving Mark Cuban in his living room with way too-tall players blocking his view of his TV, so he’s relegated to watching the game on his tablet, in the easy chair at the back of the room, which he is able to to because he has U-Verse.

Our neighbors, I’m sure, are ready to call the cops because our dog is barking so much for a thirty-second span, Milo thinks he is protecting us way too often and wonders who keeps ringing our doorbell while we just ignore whomever is at the door, and I’m not blaming AT&T, nor the variety of basketball legends attached to the commercial, nope, I’m blaming Mark Cuban because, well, that’s just easier.

The underlying problem with the commercial is that it pretty much starts with a doorbell. There have been other commercial with doorbells that make Milo bonkers, but there was generally a 3 to 5 second window before the doorbell, enough time for us to dive for the remote and hit the mute button before barminess hit. Not this commercial. Pretty much it’s got about a millisecond lag from seeing Cuban on the couch to the doorbell ringing. Not enough time for muting, not enough time to change the channel, but just enough time for Milo the Protector to do his duty and decide his little fifteen pounds of white fur will be enough to protect us from the bad guys at the door.

I was hoping this was just an ad run for the NCAA tournament as that’s when it started, but it’s continuing, now, through the NBA playoffs, and I fear that now we won’t be able to watch any TV for months, thanks to Mark Cuban.

Milo used to want to attack the TV when he would see animals or other dogs on it, but now it might be Marc Cuban as a Pavlovian response of protection. No more sports to watch, no more Shark Tank, at least if we want some peace and quiet. And so, as I now hate, okay am bothered by Mark Cuban, I’m wondering: Is there a commercial that drives your pet bonkers?

Are Your May Flowers Blooming?

April is over. Thank God! I suppose it wasn’t the worst of Aprils, but after the winter we’ve had, and most people just wanting weather to be normal, this last blast of rainy weather and storms around the country just continues a 2014 of nutty weather.

The sayings go that March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb, well, that little lamb has turned into one grumpy sheep during April, and if April showers bring May flowers, I’m thinking the flowers of May should be overly abundant this year.

You can blame global warming, you can blame Mother Nature, you can blame God for being pissed at the world because it is accepting gay people, or, like me, you can just attribute the weird weather to, well, we’ve only got a couple hundred years of accurate weather history so we have no idea what kind of start the year 1253 got off to, but as weather years go we’ll have stories to tell the youngins in about twenty years. Me, I’m just wondering right now: Are your May flowers blooming?

That’s it for this one! L8R!!

Will They Find the Missing Malaysian Flight 370?

It’s coming on two months since Malaysian Flight 370 disappeared, and like many tragedies that so engulfed people’s water-cooler talk for a few weeks, unless you are directly involved you probably don’t really care any longer. You might have a minute or two down the road when someone will say something like “Did they ever find that airplane?” and remember it for a minute, but until they actually find the missing plane it’s almost time when the searching will stop, there will be an outcry from people with those missing that they shouldn’t stop, but the reality might set in that they may never find the plane, something in itself that seems hard to fathom these days.

I guess what has flabbergasted me the most, especially in this day and age when if allowed, I can use my phone to find exactly where in the world my friend might be at any given time with things like “Find my iPhone” and GSP tracking, that airplanes, especially commercial airlines, don’t have continuos tracking. Maybe this tragedy will change all of that, especially the thoughts that maybe, just maybe, had that capability been on the plane, if there were any survivors there might have been a chance to get to them in time, but alas, as the Titanic was missing for the longest time, it might be years and years until someone actually finds Malaysian Flight 370.

I suppose the answer might be “Yes,” but over the course of travel there have been many vessels lost at sea never to be found, though I wonder: Will they find Malaysian Flight 370?

That’s it for this one! L8R!!

Hot Guys with Guns

MPAA Rated – Not Rated
It’s 1:45 Long
A Review by:
– Andy Labis

Hot Guys with Guns Movie Stats & Links
Starring:	Marc Anthony Samuel, Brian McArdle
MPAA Rated:	Not rated.
Released By:	Wolfe Video
Release Date:	Video on Demand: May 6, 2014DVD: May 8, 2014
Kiddie Movie:	Oh no. Put them to bed.
Date Movie:	My wife got sucked right into it.
Gratuitous Sex:	A lot of talk, and gay, sex parties.
Gratuitous Violence:	There are some guns and fighting.
Action:	Nah.
Laughs:	Quite a few.
Memorable Scene:	Nothing stood out.
Memorable Quote:	“How’s your head?” “It still hurts.” “You didn’t say the safe word.” “I had something in my mouth.”
Directed By:	Doug Spearman

As my wife simply put it: “It’s so bizarre it’s captivating.” The movie is “Hot Guys with Guns,” and yes, I have to agree with my wife.

With an opening scene reminiscent of a James Bond movie, only with dude butts instead of dudette butts, we are introduced to passed-out guys in a room and a weird dude in a mask.

Let’s cut to the heroes of the movie starting with Danny (Marc Anthony Samuel). He’s taking a private investigator class as research for a movie role because, well, the film takes place in California, and, of course, it’s got a dude who wants to be an actor. Then there is his friend/ex Pip (Brian McArdle), who lives with his wacky mom, she who doesn’t like black guys or Mexicans, and Danny is worried about Pip because Pip is getting involved with a dude that Danny doesn’t trust.

As the story unfolds it turns out Pip finds himself at a party where everyone ends up drugged and passed out, with things stolen. It turns out there are Sex Party Bandits out there, and our two heroes want to solve the case, especially now that Danny is learning private eye stuff.

So our heroes get wrapped up in a plot of intrigue and bad guys, a plot that thickens when we find an actor was hoping for a role in a Disney film that was somehow involved in a drugged-up rape, and comedy, mayhem, and crime-solving ensues.

I must say that the first half of the movie had way too much plot development for what was supposed to be a buddy movie in the likes of something like “Lethal Weapon,” and was mostly background for internet surfing, but all of a sudden I was actually wrapped up in the story and wondering how the boys were going to crack the case without getting killed. I laughed, I cringed, and yes, I thought “bizarre.”

Had the movie opened with a tighter first half I could have easily seen myself heading to the 4 ½ star range for “Hot Guys with Guns,” but because it took too long for me to get involved in the story I have to drop it to 3 ½ stars out of 5. It’s not the greatest of acted movies, and there is some bizarreness in a world of gay, sex parties, but for some fun you could do a lot worse. Stick with the movie past the first half and let the bizarreness and fun take hold.

The DVD has some general stuff like some bloopers, but for the most part this one is all about the movie – No, you’re not going to get any real insight into sex parties.

That’s it for this one! L8R!!

“How’s your head?” “It still hurts.” “You didn’t say the safe word.” “I had something in my mouth.”

Did You Know That THE CFO Smokes and is a Litterbug?

I wonder if you know that THE CFO smokes and is a litterbug. I do. Okay, I’m not exactly sure it was “the” CFO, so I’ll further explain.

The other day I find myself cruising along the highway with my honey and in front of us is a car with a vanity plate. I’m always fascinated at what people put on a vanity plate, especially since it can identify you as an asshole if you are a sucky driver, or do something, well, sucky other than driving. The car was driving fine, I mean, it was a straight stretch of road, they were a little over the speed limit, and not swerving back and forth or anything crazy like that. As I got a little closer there was the license plate: “THE CFO”. Maybe not as creative as “ASSMAN” from the Seinfeld episode, but the owner of the car was obviously proud of being the CFO, whatever CFO might stand for in this situation.

Maybe a little pompous, I thought, but hey, be proud! That was until I saw two things. Yup, there was the puff of smoke coming out of the driver side window, and sure enough, like clockwork, the cigarette butt was flicked out of the car window. Instantly my thoughts of slightly pompous turned to pompous asshole.

I have to admit that I didn’t stop the car and ask the driver if they were, in fact, the CFO, so I suppose my Daily Wonder should really be “Did you know someone in The CFO’s car smokes and is a litterbug?”, but I have to assume, especially since they were the smoker in the car (which most likely smells like an ashtray even though said tray isn’t used) and the driver of the vehicle, that whomever tossed out the cigarette butt was THE CFO. I could preach about the dangers of smoking and my mom dying of lung cancer, the dangers of flicking your cigarette butt out of the car window, or how the person should have gotten a ticket, but mostly I’ll just mention any thought of “Congratulations of achieving your success” I had in the person being The CFO went right out the window with the flick of a butt.

Mind you, this post only relates to THE CFO in Illinois, so you CFO’s in other states with vanity plates, I hope you don’t fall into this category, but all it takes is one to ruin all of your reputations.

I know cars don’t always come with ashtrays nowadays, though I’m guessing their car probably had one, however, I wonder: Did you know that THE CFO smokes and is a litterbug?

That’s it for this one! L8R!!!