Author: Andy Labis

Do You Think Nicki Minaj Would Make a Good Judge on American Idol?

I’m a fan of American Idol. There, I said it. And I’m also a fan of those Real Housewives’ shows, but that’s another topic for another plight, maybe. Okay, back to American Idol. Over the past few days there has been a lot of hubbub in Idol-land as stories are coming out that Nicki Minaj, she of “Super Bass” and “Starships” fame, and she whom those little girls, Sophia Grace and Rosie on “Ellen,” like to sing her songs (though they sing the cleaned up version, not with the lines like “Higher than a m&$#er f&#$er” from “Starships”), well, Nicki is rumored to be one of the people to replace Jennifer Lopez or Steven Tyler as a judge on Idol, and for that matter, supposedly Randy Jackson is history as well, so maybe she’s replacing him. In any case, the latest wrinkles seem to be that now Mariah Carey, who is actually confirmed to be a new judge, is upset because she wanted to be the only girl judge. And to confound things even more, the latest rumor is that Kanye West is in the running as a judge, but I’m not going to touch that with a ten-foot pole.

Back to Ms. Minaj. Sure, she’s opinionated, and I suppose she could tell contestants they suck, but for me all of the names they keep throwing about as judges just don’t thrill me. I know Mariah can act goofy at times, so she could bring back the nuttiness lost when Paula Abdul left, but Mariah also seems to come off as too whispery to make an impact, and for me I think the Nicki Minaj act will get old after about three episodes.  There was something about that first batch of judges that worked, with Simon Cowell being the serious one, Paula being the batty one, and Randy calling everyone “Dog,” and it hasn’t been the same since the trio broke up, but I guess you have to start the retooling somewhere (I see the interim crew of Randy, Jennifer, and Steven as the “We really don’t know what to do yet” crew).  I don’t think Nicki will make a good judge on American Idol. There, I’ve said it, but I’ve been wrong before, and I’ll be there for the season when it kicks off in 2013.

And that takes me to this daily plight: Do you think Nicki Minaj would make a good judge on American Idol?

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Do You Know What Time You Were Born?

Here it is, my first daily plight. Okay. It’s not really my first daily plight, I used to do this feature years ago in the early days of Entertainment Ave!, but then it slowly slid into a “weekly plight,” and then into a “when I get around to it” plight, and then it was replaced by, oh, well, it just stopped, which begs the question, “Why is it back?” I’m not totally sure, especially since, if it goes as planned, it means coming up with 365 plights during the next year, but as I was able to come up with a word of the day for a year, to the sometimes confusion of my Facebook friends, I decided “What the hell? Give it a shot!”

The format is simple – I’ll post some kind of question every day and you can vote if you want to, read what inspired my plight if you want to, comment if you want to, or just ignore it, but I hope you come back for a new plight the next day because, well, it’s a daily plight!  Simple enough, right?

Now as I’m still testing this thing, seeing if the plight form works correctly, and also if I like the formatting of it all, and rather than just blow things out of the box with something like “Will Tom Morello influence your vote for President?”, I thought I would keep the topic a little lighter until I’ve got things set, and what better way than with a plight based on one I posted back in April of 2000, when I was asked a simple question that I thought I knew the answer to – What time were you born? I thought I knew, figured it would be on my birth certificate, but much to my surprise the time wasn’t on it, just the date. As I pondered how to find out the answer, another question popped into my head – At what point during birth determines what time you are born?

Birth is a complicated enough thing, not that I’ve experienced it first-hand, other than my own which I don’t really remember, but I wondered when it is official in terms of what time you are born. Is it when the entire body is out, or maybe when the head comes out? And what about if you are a c-section baby, what time are you born then? I suppose the way I would determine it would be to say it is when your umbilical cord is cut, but what do I know, I’m not a doctor, and if I were a doctor, do I get to make up my own rule or is there some guideline in the doctor’s rulebook that says something like “When the baby pops out all of the way and isn’t touching mom anymore, or when you get the baby out of the womb by c-section, that is the time the baby is born.” Even if it is the umbilical cord thing, what’s to say that, in order to be the first baby born in the New Year, couldn’t the woman say something like “Hey Doc, can you wait thirty seconds to cut that cord – I want to be on the news!” Sure, I could search the internet, but what fun would that be, and that still won’t solve my underlying dilemma – I’m not sure what time I was born, other than between the hours of 4 and 5 in the morning, or so said my mom. And that’s what leads me to my re-inaugural daily plight: Do you know what time you were born?

That’s it for this plight! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Dr. Dolittle 2

MPAA Rated – PG
It’s 1:28 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

Dr. Dolittle 2
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Eddie Murphy, Krisen Wilson, Kevin Pollak, Lisa Kudrow, Norm Macdonald, Steve Zahn
MPAA Rated: PG
Released By: 20th Century Fox
Release Date: 2001
Kiddie Movie: Some of the humor is toilet humor so figure on that.
Date Movie: It’s harmless – bring her along.
Gratuitous Sex: Nah.
Gratuitous Violence: Nah.
Action: Nah.
Laughs: Some good laughs here and there.
Memorable Scene: Archie taking a dump in the bathroom and the scene with the crocodile and “The Crocodile Hunter.”
Memorable Quote: Nah.
Directed By: Steve Carr

You know how sometimes you can get too much of a good thing? Well, I enjoy toilet style humor as much as the next person, think farts are funny, and can find burps humorous, but lately it seems every movie has added those elements and sadly I’m not finding flatulence as funny any more. The latest movie to think it needs toilet humor is “Dr. Dolittle 2.”

“Dr. Dolittle 2” brings Eddie Murphy back as the good doctor. Now that his secret of talking to the animals is out, well, his practice is thriving, although the family unit could be doing better. But there’s a problem – namely the mean, nasty logging company is crouching in on the mob boss’ territory, and by mob boss I’m talking about a beaver who controls the animals in the woods. In a sit-down with our doctor, well, Mr. Beaver convinces Dr. Dolittle that he has to save their land, and with the help of his wife, Lisa (Kristen Wilson), well, it seems the only hope is to get the endangered female bear, Eva (voiced by Lisa Kudrow) to make baby bears. Unfortunately the only male bear left, Archie (voiced by Steve Zahn) has been trained as a circus bear and Eva wants nothing to do with the wimp. So it’s up to Doctor D to turn Archie back into a manly bear while the nasty logging company has a plan of their own to get Archie back into captivity. And, oh yea, Doctor D has to deal with his growing daughter, Charisse (Raven-Symone) who brings along her boyfriend, Eric (Lil’ Zane), for their vacation/Archie training trip to the woods.

Well I’m not going to give away the ending although I’m sure you can figure it out, but I’ll just add a few things. First, like the first Dr. Dolittle, well, the jokes are what you might expect from talking animals. You get Norm Macdonald back voicing the family dog, you get bathroom humor from Archie, you get a chameleon who can’t change colors, you get the drunken monkey, and you get the animals as, hmm, I guess they’d be called “made” animals in their little mafia world. You also get a scary vision of the world if animals could talk to each other when they all go on strike. But, in the end, you get a cute movie that gets a little preachy about the whole logging thing, but you’ll chuckle here and there and the kids will probably find Archie lovable.

You know what you are asking for by going to see “Dr. Dolittle 2” and you get just that, but I just wish movies could get a little more inventive instead of just relying on farts and doody to make me laugh. It’s gonna be 3 stars out of 5 for “Dr. Dolittle 2.”

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Dogma

MPAA Rated – R
It’s 2:08 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

Dogma
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Ben Affleck, Matt Damon, Linda Fiorentino, Salma Hayek, Jason Mewes, Kevin Smith, Chris Rock
MPAA Rated: R
Released By: Columbia/Tristar Home Video
Release Date: 1999
Kiddie Movie: Nope, lots of swearing.
Date Movie: She might find it funny or maybe just find it disturbing.
Gratuitous Sex: Nah.
Gratuitous Violence: They don’t show it, but it’s hinted at.
Action: Not really.
Laughs: Lots.
Memorable Scene: Rufus falling out of the sky and Silent Bob’s facial expressions.
Memorable Quote: Two quotes by Jay: “Snootch to the motherfuckin’ nootch!” & “Beautiful, naked, big-tittied women just don’t fall out of the sky you know.”
Directed By: Kevin Smith

I don’t know why but “Dogma” is quickly becoming one of my favorite videos to watch or movies to watch for on cable. Maybe it’s the way they question religious beliefs, maybe it’s the subtle jokes, or maybe it’s because they bust on the platypus. In any case, as long as you can keep an open mind about religion, well, “Dogma” might just be a movie for you.

Opening with a disclaimer that the movie is fictitious and should be taken as a comedy, Silent Bob (Kevin Smith) and Jay (Jason Mewes), joined by the 13th apostle, Rufus (Chris Rock) help Bethany (Linda Fiorentino) make her way to New Jersey to stop two banished angels, Loki and Bartleby (Matt Damen and Ben Affleck) from entering a church and negating all of existence. How can entering a church end existence? Well, it seems the Pope has decreed, in conjunction with the New Jersey church’s anniversary, that all who pass through the church doors get their sins forgiven. Loki and Bartleby, who have been banished by God from Heaven for eternity, could find their way back into heaven if they walk through the church doors. This would make God fallible and thus end existence as we know it. Alright, my explanation isn’t the greatest, but Bartleby does a better job explaining it to Loki, and they begin their journey to the Garden State.

So it’s a race against time to stop Bartleby and Loki, and Bethany and her entourage aren’t without their difficulties getting to Jersey. There’s a run-in with a shit demon, Jay constantly trying to get in Bethany’s pants, Bethany questioning why she is chosen to stop the angels, and Azrael and his goons trying to stop Bethany because he wants existence to end.

Like I said before, “Dogma” is at its best on many levels, from Loki’s conversation with a nun resulting in her wondering what she is doing with her life, to the Rufus’ dilemma of not being in the bible because, well, he is a black man, to Alanis Morrissette playing God, and portraying God as kinda, well, a ditz. This movie isn’t to be taken seriously, but it may make you wonder if Mary did have sex with Joseph after Jesus was born because, as Rufus explains, “Do you really think he would have stayed married to her for all those years if he wasn’t getting laid?”

I didn’t see “Dogma” in the theater so I can’t say which place might be a better venue to see it, but it is nice to be able to pause and rewind to go back and catch a joke or two you might have missed in the theater. That and the fact that the DVD subtitles helped me figure out one of my favorite lines, only because it still doesn’t make sense to me, “Snootch to the motherfuckin’ nootch!” I give Dogma 4½ stars out of 5.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Deep Impact

MPAA Rated – PG-13
It’s 1:55 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

Deep Impact
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Tea Leoni, Robert Duvall, Elijah Wood, Morgan Freeman
MPAA Rated: PG-13
Released By: Paramount Pictures & DreamWorks Pictures
Release Date: 1998
Kiddie Movie: Some drama stuff might bore them, and millions of people get killed, although not graphically.
Date Movie: She might get weepy and hold your hand.
Gratuitous Sex: Nope.
Gratuitous Violence: Not really.
Action: Some, when the astronauts are on the asteroid.
Laughs: For me, at the stupid people still living on the east coast.
Memorable Scene: It was pretty cool seeing New York City getting wiped out.
Memorable Quote: Jenny (Tea) is having a drink with her dad and new step-mom, after figuring out Earth is on its way out, and the step-mom says “Life goes on.” Jenny replies, “Life goes on… We’ll see.”
Directed By: Mimi Leder

How’s this for a fancy reviewer line for “Deep Impact”: “Deep Impact” is one of the most predictable, emotional, roller-coaster rides I have seen on the big screen since “Titanic.” Alright, maybe it isn’t the greatest line, but “Deep Impact” was predictable, hell, it was about Earth being hit by an asteroid (and we know that happens from the trailers), and it was emotional (I did find myself anxious for the astronauts trying to blow the big space rock up, and welling up a little as people were saying goodbye). But I guess comparing it too “Titanic” is a little much – as predictable and somewhat emotional, it wasn’t that good, mostly maybe, for me, because of the stupidity of everyone one Earth who died (except the, well, people who had to).

Well, you know what the movie is about – a big asteroid is heading for Earth – what are we to do? In the case of this group of Earthlings, we don’t seem to do much. In any case, let’s start at the beginning. Tea Leoni stars as Jenny Lerner, an up-and-coming newsperson who is trying to make her way up the newsperson ladder. She stumbles on a seeming sex-scandal story in Washington D.C. (oh, like this is topical anymore?). In any case, she’s ready to blow the story open, but in a secret meeting with President Beck (Morgan Freeman), he convinces her to hold off for a couple of days. Get this – she does. Well, the story comes out that it isn’t a sex scandal, but an asteroid is heading for Earth.

Alright, I can buy it so far, and at this point there’s about a year left before the asteroid hits, and the government has a plan – send a spaceship with some astronauts to land on the asteroid and blow it up before it hits. Sounds good to me, and it’s ten months till our astronauts make it there, but our newsgirl Jenny asks something like “What if that doesn’t work.” “Don’t worry,” says the Prez, “It will.” Guess what, it doesn’t.

Alright, plan number two, lets shove a bunch of people in a cave for a couple of years. So, with that, we have the impending end of life as we know it, and our story has turned from an adventure film of blowing up an asteroid, to people planning their end. You get your typical “I’m not leaving you, I’d rather die with you than live without you” scenes, you’ve got some scenes of looting and stuff, and you’ve got people being airlifted to the big cave. Then we get some heroes, a big tidal wave, cities being wiped out, and people surviving. In the end, a nice film, but what was wrong?

I’ll pose what was wrong by asking a few questions. One, you’ve got about a year until a big asteroid is going to wipe out most of life on Earth for about two years – what do you do? We sort of used to ask this question back in college, but instead of a year, you had about 20 minutes because Russia was launching some nukes. Our solutions back then – drink heavily, head for the roof, and catch one mean old suntan, or head to the girls residence hall and say “Hey baby, the world is going to end in 20 minutes. How about you and I end it with a bang!” Some guys actually tried the latter, without the imminent threat of nuclear war, and usually ended up being slapped. But, what if you had a year? Would you trust your survival on the hopes the government could get something right on the first try? I doubt it. Me, I’d be digging a cave of my own, and stocking up on the essentials, things like beer, “Twinkies,” matches, and toilet paper.

Alright, I’ve got a head start on everyone else on my asteroid shelter, but problem number two – why was anyone still living on a coast, other than some ambitious surfer dudes and dudettes, when there were two months from the time of knowing the astronauts screwed up, and the time the asteroid would hit the earth. Hmm, Earth is a whole bunch more water than land, and if the asteroid hits that water it will create one gnarly wave most likely to reach into, like Ohio on the east coast, and maybe like Utah on the west – I’m staying in New York City and hoping the asteroid hits the Pacific. Come on, move your butt to someplace nice and cozy, someplace like the midwest. As sad as it sort of was, all those people being washed away to sea on the east coast, I say too bad – you should have moved.

“Alright, Dude, that can’t be everything bad with the movie, you said it wasn’t that good.” True, there were a bunch more flaws in human nature in “Deep Impact,” but I guess the end problem in the movie, short of a few good performances, and a couple of cool scenes, was that the movie lacked the consistency in both from beginning to end. Don’t get me wrong, the movie is pretty entertaining, but in these days of standards being pushed to another level, pretty entertaining becomes just another movie, even if millions of people died (I will say it again – they were stupid).

So, I did like “Deep Impact,” even with the stupid people, but in the end there were too many scenes of not great acting, too many scenes of total predictability, and too many scenes, well, maybe too many intertwined story lines – you had the astronauts, the newsgirl, the kid who found the comet and his chick, families in turmoil, and oh yea, a big ol’ asteroid. It was just too much.

I’ll give “Deep Impact” 3 out of 5 stars. It was good, not great, and it might even bring a tear to your eye.

That’s it for this one, I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!

Driven

MPAA Rated – PG-13
It’s 1:56 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

Driven
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Sylvester Stallone, Burt Reynolds, Kip Pardue, Til Schweiger, Gina Gershon
MPAA Rated: PG-13
Released By: Warner Bros.
Release Date: 2001
Directed By: Renny Harlin

No, you’re not seeing things. That is Sylvester Stallone in that racing helmet. I know, I didn’t believe it either, and when I heard he was going to be doing a race car movie I figured there wouldn’t be much that would make me want to see the film, and then I read two words – Gina Gershon. No matter what the movie it can’t be that bad as long as she’s in it, and hopefully it will be rated R and she gets naked.

Anyway, the story looks like your typical race car story: New guy comes on the scene and learns from the old guy how to be truly great. Toss in a love story or a dude stealing another dude’s girl and you’ve got “explosive action mixed with compelling drama.” Blah, blah, blah.

The racing scenes in the trailer do look pretty kick-ass as I’m sure things have progressed a lot camera-wise since “Days of Thunder,” and even though it’s written by Stallone, I keep reminding myself that he did write “Rocky.”

Sometimes Stallone is fabulous (“Rocky,” “Cop Land”), sometimes not so fabulous (too many to list), so it’s a toss-up on the excitement to see this film. But, there is the Gina Gershon factor so you can rest assured I’ll see it anyway.

The Day the Earth Stood Still

MPAA Rated – PG-13
It’s 1:43 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

The Day the Earth Stood Still
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Keanu Reeves, Jennifer Connelly, Jaden Smith, John Cleese, Kathy Bates
MPAA Rated: PG-13
Released By: 20th Century Fox
Release Date: 2008
Kiddie Movie: Only if you want them to be afraid of aliens. You know what, maybe they should go?
Date Movie: She will probably be bored and wonder why you took her to see this non-Christmas movie at Christmas-time.
Gratuitous Sex: Jennifer Connelly getting naked would have definitely helped.
Gratuitous Violence: The alien(s) are here to destroy us, so, yes, but not really in a “blaster” kind of way.
Action: There is some running away from the government forces who can’t seem to locate a hybrid car in the middle of nowhere.
Laughs: All of the product placement.
Memorable Scene: I liked Gort.
Memorable Quote: I really hoped for some nudity/sex with “Change his mind, not with reason, but with yourself.” Ba-chicky-ba-baaa! Sadly, none.
Directed By: Scott Derrickson

What did I learn from the movie “The Day the Earth Stood Still?” Was it that we should learn to love each other? No. Was it that we should respect the planet we’ve got? No. Was it that I really miss Keanu Reeves as Ted Theodore Logan? Well, okay, I do miss Keanu as Ted. But, simply put, I learned that if aliens show up, well, we’re screwed. Actually, it doesn’t even need to be a lot of aliens, just one alien named Klaatu with his giant metallic friend, Gort, and guess what, the human race is toast. We will be no match for the alien to heal himself after being haphazardly shot; Our Air Force, Marines, Navy, and Boy Scouts will be no match for the giant “Cylon” bad-ass (for those of you who aren’t into “Battlestar Galactica,” the Cylon reference is simply that Gort is metallic, with one red “eye”), who is able to zap and disable every weapon we’ve got; and all we can hope is that Klaatu is a sucker for a mom being a step-mom and a kid being a step-kid and the two of them finally realizing they need each other. And, oh yea, a Professor acting like John Cleese.

In other words, pretty much we’re screwed. And, oh yea, there’s nothing like blatant product placement to screw up a movie.

Now as far as the movie “The Day the Earth Stood Still,” I will go on record saying that I have not seen the 1951 original where it was the cold war bringing the aliens to destroy us, but for this 2008 remake, oh, to be topical, let’s make it about how we humans are destroying Earth with all of our anti-environmental ways (only one of a few planets capable of sustaining life in the universe, and therefore a valuable treasure in the alien world). It seems that in the 1920’s the aliens sent a spy to Earth to see how we were doing, but when Klaatu (Keanu Reeves) comes to visit in 2008, complete with his destructive friend, Gort, Klaatu meets his spy, Mr. Wu (James Hong), and Mr. Wu pretty much says we suck and deserve to die. Meanwhile, Klaatu has been befriended by Helen (Jennifer Connelly), who somehow is able to keep him safe from the government people hell-bent on destroying him, and Helen is having her own problems, trying to get her step-son, Jacob (Jaden Smith), to treat her like a mom.

You know, I could go into the entire “Giant orb crashes to Earth, we shoot the alien who seems to just want to save us at first, we try to torture the alien, nice girl helps alien get away, government hunts down alien, Gort monster shoots down a lot of things, Gort gets captured, Gort has a thing for diamond drill bits, Earth’s destruction has begun, alien realizes thanks to Helen, Jacob, and Professor Barnhardt (John Cleese), that maybe we can change, and yay, the Earth stands still for a bit, we are saved, but there is a huge mess of metallic bugs to now be cleaned up” synopsis, but really, why go into it a lot more because as much as there sort of seemed to be potential for this to be a decent movie with a feel-good message, I didn’t really like Keanu Reeves’ “I know your language but can only speak in brief sentences and will let three people decide the fate of the human race” performance, Jacob was good in his role as the step-kid who doesn’t respect his step-mom until a sentimental scene pulls them together, which would really fit in a different movie, and the only role I did like, complete with a great explanation of why the aliens should let us live, was delivered by John Cleese, explaining to Klaatu how we, as a society, change.

That, and oh yea, I should have kept track, but in terms of blatant product placement, “The Day the Earth Stood Still” was utterly disgraceful, from the “We use Windows to make cool documents fly around this touch-screen computer monitor/table,” to the visiting of McDonalds for the alien sit-down with their new McCafe servings, to even the wearing of a Citizen watch, well, this movie didn’t need any of it, and it really made me cringe every time I saw it.

There might be some who see the movie as a little bit of an escape, or maybe might like how the destruction of Earth is carried out, or the “Noah’s Ark” aspect of the aliens (they aren’t all bad), or dig the message of how we need to save the environment, but for me I was bored, sick of people telling me what kind of hybrid car to drive, and if Gort was such a bad-ass, how in the hell was the government able to capture him, let alone transport him to an underground bunker that isn’t really that secure? It’s 1 ½ stars out of 5 for “The Day the Earth Stood Still” from me. I might have to throw the original on my Netflix queue just to compare them, but I’m guessing it will be way-better, even in black and white, and I generally hate black and white movies.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

The Day After Tomorrow

MPAA Rated – PG-13
It’s 2:04 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

The Day After Tomorrow
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Dennis Quaid, Jake Gyllenhaal, Emmy Rossum, Sela Ward, Arjay Smith, Tamlyn Tomita, Austin Nichols
MPAA Rated: PG-13
Released By: 20th Century Fox
Release Date: 2004
Directed By: Roland Emmerich

Alright, so all hell breaks lose at one time because of global warming. I want some scientific proof that this is possible. Anyway, we see tornadoes where there usually aren’t tornadoes, earthquakes happening with no warning, floods, and a giant glacier seems to be attacking New York City (wasn’t anyone aware of this thing coming when we didn’t hear from anyone in Canada?). Lots of people are running, screaming, trying to get the hell out of town, and we can assume someone has to try to get into the city where all hell if breaking loose to rescue a loved one.

There does seem to be a lot of action involved, but it might be a little tough getting through the plausibility of it all. We’ll see.

That’s it for this preview! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

The Darwin Awards

MPAA Rated – R
It’s 1:34 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

The Darwin Awards
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: David Arquette, Joseph Fiennes, Winona Ryder, Juliette Lewis
MPAA Rated: R
Released By: Fox Home Entertainment
Release Date: 2006
Kiddie Movie: Nah, being young they might get the wrong idea of The Darwin Awards and think they should win one.
Date Movie: It’s a nice movie to cuddle on the couch and screen-talk about how stupid people can be.
Gratuitous Sex: There’s some sex and some nudity. Nice.
Gratuitous Violence: Just seeing how people are stupid.
Action: Nope.
Laughs: There’s some laughs and chuckles.
Memorable Scene: The “being safe in the shower” scene.
Memorable Quote: Nah.
Directed By: Finn Taylor

DVD REVIEW – Add Cool Things
Someone mentioned to me that they saw the DVD “The Darwin Awards” in the rental store and wondered if I saw it. I told them I hadn’t, but then saw it on my own and decided, “What the hell, let’s see if this movie sucks.” It didn’t suck, but I can also see why it never made it to the big screen, but maybe the film folks should have at least given it a chance. Here’s the story…

Most of you know the story of The Darwin Awards. These are awards given every year to people who die in ways that are pretty stupid when you think about it, or find themselves unable to reproduce. It’s also a reference to “survival of the fittest” signifying that maybe humanity will thrive just a little bit more by losing these morons early. Anyway, in the movie “The Darwin Awards” we get Joseph Fiennes as Michael Burrows. He’s a police investigator in San Francisco being taped for a documentary. He’s also hemophobic (he faints at the site of blood). And he’s also obsessed with those who die or get injured in a “Darwin Award” manner. He’s hot on the trail of a serial killer but sadly the sight of blood causes him to faint and the bad guy gets away. Disgraced and booted from the force, Michael thinks he might find his next calling, working for an insurance company in determining high risk cases for them, or claims to deny based on the fact that the facts aren’t always what they seem, and now he is paired with Siri (Winona Ryder), traveling the highways and byways of the country debunking some insurance claims that on the surface seem open and shut.

So Michael and Siri find a dude crushed by a vending machine, a dude claiming someone stole his car, a missing dude (and car) who just wanted to go fast and be on TV, and all the while Michael is still obsessed with finding the serial killer he let get away. And, oh yea, he falls for Siri (but who wouldn’t?).

I really wanted to like this movie, and as a DVD rental it’s good enough for a rental, but the problem is that since we know what The Darwin Awards are, every time Michael and Siri get to a new town to investigate an insurance loss, well, the ending of the loss is really no surprise. It’s pretty obvious why the dude reported his truck stolen, most people will be able to figure out the demise of the stoner dude at the Metallica concert before it happens, the vending machine death is a “Duh!”, but the one adventure involving Harvey (David Arquette), who couldn’t seem to go fast enough for his wife Joleen (Juliette Lewis), where you might actually be sitting there watching the movie wondering what this bonehead did to kill himself, is ruined because the filmmakers gave it away at the opening of the movie. So much for any mystery during this movie.

In the midst of the deaths is the budding relationship between Michael and Siri, and the interruptions and non-interruptions of the documentary filmmaker constantly stating he can’t get involved. The love story is cute enough, but it is the quirkiness of Michael trying to not be a Darwin story that makes things funny during this movie.

I love Wynona Ryder, and would stalk her if she wanted me to, and she is just absolutely adorable in this movie. Joseph Fiennes was great as the quirky detective now obsessed with Darwin Award scenarios. But the underlying problem with the movie was that there weren’t any surprises.

In the end it’s 3 stars out of 5 for “The Darwin Awards.” There are a couple of funny moments in the movie intertwined with the deaths and shootings, but just please, remember, if you are going to use your gun to pull your buddy from the icy pond, make sure you unload the gun first.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Dark Water

MPAA Rated – PG-13
It’s 1:45 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

Dark Water
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Jennifer Connelly
MPAA Rated: PG-13
Released By: Touchstone Pictures
Release Date: 2005
Directed By: Walter Salles

Not much really to say on this one except it’s some kind of horror/thriller where some crazy ghost is tormenting a mom and daughter pair. They moved into this creepy apartment, water starts dripping through their ceiling even though no one is supposed to live above them, and then strange things start happening.

The trailer shows this does have the potential to be a decent scary movie, it was written by the dude who wrote “The Ring,” it’s got an acclaimed director on-board, and it looks like a decent cast.

Lots of potential for this one, and the trailer does look creepy, so we’ll see what ends up opening against it whether I make it to “Dark Water.” The only thing that bums me out is it is rated PG-13, and that has me a little worried.

That’s it for this preview! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!