Author: Andy Labis

Cars

MPAA Rated – G
It’s 1:56 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

Cars
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: The voices of: Bonnie Hunt, Cheech Marin, Paul Newman, Richard Petty, John Ratzenberger, Larry The Cable Guy, Owen Wilson
MPAA Rated: G
Released By: Pixar / Disney
Release Date: 2006
Kiddie Movie: Oh yea, it’s for them, and for adults as well.
Date Movie: Good for all boys and girls.
Gratuitous Sex: Cars can’t really get it on.
Gratuitous Violence: Some rubbing, but rubbing is racing.
Action: Race car racing type.
Laughs: Lots of chuckles and funniness abound.
Memorable Scene: I won’t say where, but the one I got weepy during.
Memorable Quote: Nothing totally stands out.
Directed By: John Lasseter

Alright, I’ll just get this out of the way so I can get along with this review. During “Cars,” in a scene near the end of the movie, I got a little weepy. Sure the characters were cars, but there was just something about that scene touched me a little bit and left me with a tear in my eye. Luckily I was able to pull myself together before the lights came up, so no one in the theater saw it, but there, I said it, “Cars” made me weepy. Let’s get to the story…
Lightning McQueen (voiced by Owen Wilson) is a rookie racecar set to win the Piston Cup. He’s cocky, thinks he can go it alone, won’t follow the advice of his pit crew, but the crowd loves him. In the final race of the season Lightning, Chick Hicks (Michael Keaton, the world’s greatest actor), and The King (Richard Petty), all tie so there is no clear-cut winner for the Piston Cup. So, what to do? Well, you have a three-car race-off to determine the champion. Our threesome now needs to make their way to California, and Lightning thinks he can get a leg up on the competition, and maybe a new sponsor, if he can get there first. So he convinces his truck/trailer driver, Mack (John Ratzenberger), to pull an all-nighter, but this doesn’t work too well for our would-be hero as some things go amuck and Lightning finds himself having to do some community service in the town of Radiator Springs. There he learns some lessons about life, and about racing, thanks to the likes of the townsfolk, but mostly because of Sally (Bonnie Hunt), a cute little Porsche, and Doc Hudson (Paul Newman), an older curmudgeon with a secret past. And for Lightning, he learns these lessons just in time for the Piston Cup finale.

I suppose that’s an easy enough synopsis of this movie because if you have kids, you will have to take them to see it, and if you don’t have kids but liked the other Pixar films, you will know that you should get decent story with some amazing animation. As a member of the latter, I got exactly what I was looking for. The story, although somewhat simplistic, and pretty easy to figure out where things would go, is a nice look at how a cocky rookie athlete can learn some lessons, namely that things aren’t always about him. As far as the animation I found it unbelievable. I think what helped this movie on the animation side was really the lack of human forms, because that usually takes you back to “yea, it’s a cartoon,” but for this movie, alright, other than the mouths and eyes on the cars, there were times you could probably take a scene from this movie with a couple of cars cruising down the road, put it side by side with a picture of a couple of cars cruising down a road, and you’d be hard pressed to tell which is the animation scene and which one is real. Pixar, though, does a couple of things better than a lot of animation companies, and that is to emphasize and get the facial expressions, and especially the eyes, perfect. This allows all of the cars to be able to translate exactly what they are feeling emotion-wise, even though they are, well, cars.

I really enjoyed “Cars,” and it seemed, so did all of the kids in the theater I was at. Some reviewers are complaining about Owen Wilson as the voice of Lightning, but I thought he was a great fit. Larry the Cable Guy was great as Mater, and who better than Cheech Marin voicing Ramone, an Impala low-rider. Maybe it doesn’t have the touchy-feely ness of some of the other Pixar movies because, well, cars don’t have arms so they can’t really hug, but they can snuggle, and the animator folks did a fabulous job of evoking emotions out of them. The credits were fun, also, especially with John Ratzenberger poking fun at himself and his Pixar movie history.

A decent story with fabulous animation, and that’s what I always like from a Pixar film. In the ranks of their movies, I would probably give “Cars” a solid four stars, but it did make me weepy, so I’ve got to add a ½ star. With that, “Cars” gets 4 ½ stars out of 5 from me. I was a little unsure if Pixar could truly show cars having feelings, but they pulled it off. A lot for the kids, a lot for the adults, so pay full price, buy a lot of popcorn and sodas, and enjoy.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

The Aristocrats

MPAA Rated – Not.
It’s 1:29 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

The Aristocrats
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Lots and lots of comics.
MPAA Rated: Not.
Released By: ThinkFilm
Kiddie Movie: For the love of any God you might have, leave them at home.
Date Movie: Easily offended – no, she’ll drag you out of the theater before you see Gilbert’s great version at the Hefner roast.
Gratuitous Sex: More talk than you have probably ever heard.
Gratuitous Violence: Some talk about it, namely a baseball bat and a hammer, and how a dad’s fist is way too big for a, well, never mind.
Action: Nope.
Laughs: If you understand what you are getting into by going to see this movie.
Memorable Scene: Bob Saget and Gilbert Gottfried
Memorable Quote: I can’t repeat them here for fear of losing sponsors.
Directed By: Paul Provenza

It seems that as the years have gone on, the joke titled “The Aristocrats” has gotten a little raunchier and a little raunchier, or maybe a lot raunchier and a lot raunchier, because as the boys from the movie “The Aristocrats” were interviewing Phyllis Diller, well, she knew of the joke, but when it appeared the folks showed her a current version of it, she seemed to say that it wasn’t the version she remembered. Who knows, maybe the versions she had heard were even worse, but I would have loved for her to tell one of her own.

Anyway, the movie “The Aristocrats” isn’t just a raunch-fest, there is also a lot of explaining about the supposed origins of the joke, how it has been a favorite of comics for years, how it has evolved, and how Gilbert Gottfried stole the show at the Hugh Hefner roast when, as he was sort of tanking by making some September 11th jokes (it was only a short time after the attack, and Gilbert miscalculated the tragedy + time = comedy equation), he went into a version of the joke and every comedian in the place was rolling with laughter, although Hef looked a little lost. The joke, in its simplest terms, isn’t that funny, it’s the stuff inside that either makes you totally disgusted or makes you howl with laughter.

Here’s the set-up for the joke. A guy walks into an agent’s office, telling him he has the most fabulous act he could sign. The agent isn’t interested, but gives the guy a chance to sell his act. The guy tells him it’s a family act, and then it’s all improv from here, at least until the punch line. After the guy is done telling the agent about the act, the agent asks the guy what the group is called. He simply says “The Aristocrats.” Seems pretty boring, right? Well, it’s the stuff in the middle that is the stuff of comedic legend, because that stuff is usually the vilest stuff you can ever imagine, especially with a family usually being involved. Usually there is something about bowel movements, usually something about urine, usually something about the family dog, maybe even toss in some vomit. There is definitely a lot about sex, and remember, it’s a family here, so it’s not really just mom and dad having it, and then the really sick stuff kicks in, as noted by Bob Saget, yes, that Bob Saget, Dad from “Full House,” explaining that as the son lost an eyeball, well, it left another opportunity.

Look, this is one sick joke most of the time, but for all except the most chaste of people, and I’ll bet some of them would even go blue for a few minutes, then confess their sin and ask for forgiveness, but we can all tell a version of “The Aristocrats.” This movie does a little bit more, explaining how it changes, how even the beginning and the ending sometimes change, how Sarah Silverman turns it into a version where she was actually a member of The Aristocrats, and it even has one of the most entertaining mimes I have ever seen, especially as he does his version in front of people passing by.

If you are the most easily offended, this is not the movie for you. For some of you, even not easily offended, you might still be sickened and want to leave the theater. For the rest of you, I’ll guess you find the movie pretty funny. For all of you, though, I’ll bet you can tell a version of “The Aristocrats” that you find funny, even if it doesn’t involve vomit. For me I was grossed out and I laughed a lot. It’s 4 stars out of 5 for “The Aristocrats.” My only hope is that the DVD expands on the movie, maybe giving some of the full, unedited versions of some of the comic’s versions of a joke that can, at times, be the sickest thing you have ever heard that still makes you laugh.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Are We Done Yet?

MPAA Rated – PG
It’s 1:32 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

Are We Done Yet?
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Ice Cube, Nia Long, Aleisha Allen, Philip Bolden
MPAA Rated: PG
Released By: Columbia Pictures
Directed By: Steve Carr

First off, unless there is absolutely nothing else playing the weekend this movie comes out, I probably won’t see it. It’s not that it doesn’t look kind of cute, but it just doesn’t look to be this bachelor’s cup of tea. You, on the other hand, might wonder “Why are they making a sequel to ‘Are We There Yet?’” Well, when a movie has a budget of around $32 Million and the film does around $83 Mill, well, you get to make a sequel.

Anyway, reminding me of “Money Pit,” “Are We Done Yet” brings us Ice Cube as Nick, with his new wife Suzanne (Nia Long). When he finds out he’s going to be a daddy, Nick decides Suzanne and her kids, along with his up-and-coming kid, need to move to the suburbs/woods, and live in his dream home. The problem is that his dream house is a fix-er-upper, and as much as Nick thinks he is a handyman, he’s not, and hilarity ensues.

The movie does look cute, especially for the fans of “Are We There Yet?” so it should do well. And if they keep it PG, it should be cute for the kids as well.

That’s it for this preview! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Apocalypto

MPAA Rated – R
It’s 2:17 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

Apocalypto
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Rudy Youngblood, Dalia Hernandez, Raoul Trujillo
MPAA Rated: R
Released By: Touchstone Pictures
Kiddie Movie: Only for a history lesson that would give them nightmares.
Date Movie: Can she handle a heart being torn out of a chest?
Gratuitous Sex: Hinted and joked about.
Gratuitous Violence: Lots and lots of it.
Action: Lots of chasing and chasing.
Laughs: Mostly at the beginning of the movie.
Memorable Scene: From Stu Gotz: Ladies, if you think your childbirth was tough, it has nothing compared to Seven’s giving birth. Quit your bitchin’.
Memorable Quote: Because it was in some Mayan language, all I know is that it sounded cool, but according to Mel it meant “He’s fucked,” or something like that.
Directed By: Mel Gibson

I’m usually not a huge fan of films that I have to read, meaning those with subtitles, but I suppose lots of gratuitous violence, and lots of running through the jungle, and a nice story about a couple in love, well, it was able to get me through “Apocalypto.”

Now I’m not going to go too far into “Apocalypto” because we are working on an animated review of the movie for our “Stu & The Dude Reviewin’ the Movies for You!” area, but here’s a quick synopsis, as well as a quick “what I thought.”

Pretty much the story is about the time near the end of the Mayan civilization. Jaguar Paw (Rudy Youngblood) lives in a nice little jungle village, with his wife Seven (Dalia Hernandez), who is with child, and his son. They live in a happy village, until one day the mean and nasty Mayans who live at the giant temples come and raid their village. It seems it is sacrifice time at the Mayan temple, and you can bet those mean and nasty Mayans aren’t sacrificing their own folk. Jaguar hides his wife and son, promises he’ll be back, kicks some ass, but then gets captured. Maybe it was fate, or maybe just luck, but Jaguar finds himself getting away, on the run, and trying to elude those chasing him while still trying to get back and save his family before the rains come. Eventually Jaguar realizes that he needs to change from the hunted to the hunter, and uses the familiarity of the jungle he has been raised in to turn the tide.

Look, Mel Gibson and his baggage aside, “Apocalypto” gives a touching story of a husband/ father doing what he has to do in order to save his family, along with a boatload of gore, violence, chasing, and sure, you have to read things to truly understand what is going on in the movie. People get decapitated, have their hearts cut out, get eaten by a jaguar, get their brains bashed in, rapes are insinuated, and there’s a boatload of blood. There’s also a look at how a peaceful village, happy to have their place in the world, gets uprooted by the nasty tyrant. The film looks great, with the magnificence of the jungle, the bizarreness of a culture we only sometimes read about, and the devotion of a man to his family.

If you get squeamish at the site of blood, might I suggest you not see “Apocalypto,” even though it has a love story. But if you like action and brutality, mixed with some heroism, go see “Apocalypto,” even though you have to read during it. I did find the movie about 15 minutes too long. I suppose I could have done without so many of the “Oh, isn’t nature beautiful” shots. For me it’s 3 ½ stars out of 5.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

The Cable Guy

MPAA Rated – PG-13
It’s 1:36 Long
A Review by:
– Stu Gotz

The Cable Guy
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Jim Carrey, Matthew Broderick, Leslie Mann
MPAA Rated: PG-13
Released By: Columbia Pictures
Release Date: 1996
Kiddie Movie: Mature situations I don’t think they’ll get.
Date Movie: I can think of better movies to bring a date to.
Gratuitous Sex: Sex and nudity would have made this movie better (Mann’s HOT!)
Gratuitous Violence: Nothing goolish but definitely psychotic.
Action: Ditto.
Laughs: Lot’s but I expected more.
Memorable Scene: “Medieval Times” busted my gut.
Memorable Quote: Chip: “I want a brother.”
Mom: “That’s why mommy’s going to happy hour.”
Directed By: Ben Stiller

Don’t take the kids to see this movie!
While waiting to get my free refill of popcorn* at the Marcus Theater I stuck up a conversation with the kid behind the counter. He told me “Cable Guy” was a black comedy. A black comedy? I thought the movie starred Jim Carrey and not Eddie Murphy or Martin Lawrence. What I think he meant to say was that “Cable Guy” is a dark comedy. That it is.

This movie could best be likened too “Fatal Attraction” on nitrous-oxide. Carrey plays Chip Douglas (remember My Three Sons). Chip is a loaner in life and will befriend anyone who is kind to him. When Chip juices up (free premium channels) Steven Kovacs (Broderick) cable, Steve makes the mistake of being nice to Chip. Thus begins the fatal attraction.

Chip pry’s into every aspect of Steven’s life. Social or sexual, Chip has no problem trying to fit into his new best friends life. This really pisses Steven off, but what can he do? He wants to keep his free cable so he plays along with Chip. This leads to a great roughhousing basketball game, Chip beating he piss out a guy in a bathroom who was hitting on Steven’s girlfriend, and a hilarious night at Medieval Times. The Medieval Times scenes are the funniest stuff in the whole movie and I can’t imagine how they ever got those scenes shot without the actors wetting their drawers.

A guy can only be nice for so long, and when Steve tries to give Chip the boot things turn ugly. Chip gets Steven arrested, makes a move for his girl, becomes beloved by Steven’s family, and even gets Steve fired. If I was Steve I would have ended this a lot sooner… with a shovel and a bag of lime.

So, why is Chip such a psycho? Here’s the message in the movie:. TV rots your brain and Chips brain was rotted at a young age. You see, while Chip’s mom was out boozing it up, she left her son alone at home with the baby-sitter (a television). Chip was lonely and wanted attention. Actually he wanted a brother “and that’s why mommy is going to happy hour.” At the end of the movie Chip realizes that the baby-sitter (now a satellite dish) is evil and must die so he throws himself on it(a great scene for the kids… Not).

So what do we have…? We have a movie that starts as a comedy, then gets psycho real fast, and ends with a moral (much like a Grimm Fairytale). I’m really glad I saw this movie at a matinee price because I wasn’t impressed. Sure you get a chuckle from Jim’s slapstick and funny voices but that’s not enough to make it worth eight bucks. I give “Cable Guy” 2.0/5.0

’nuff said.

*If you but a large popcorn or soda at Marcus you get free refills, so… Just find an empty and filler up. Hey! What do you expect? This job doesn’t pay much!

Anywhere But Here

MPAA Rated – PG-13
It’s 1:54 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

Anywhere But Here
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Susan Sarandon, Natalie Portman
MPAA Rated: PG-13
Released By: 20th Century Fox
Kiddie Movie: Too young or a boy and they won’t get it.
Date Movie: She’ll probably make you take here anyway.
Gratuitous Sex: Some talk.
Gratuitous Violence: Nah.
Action: Nah.
Laughs: Chuckles.
Memorable Scene: The ending.
Memorable Quote: Here’s a few – Ann’s cousin Benny: “Boobs are beautiful.” Ann to Benny: “You put the wood to Suzy Goodman!” A conversation with Ann & Peter: Peter – “I wanna kiss your lips.” Ann – “What for?” Peter – “I don’t know.”
Directed By: Wayne Wang

I planned on seeing three or four movies this weekend – “Dogma,” “The Messenger,” “Anywhere But Here,” and “Being John Malkovich.” I really wanted to see “Dogma,” sort of wanted to see “The Messenger,” was looking forward to “Being John Malkovich,” and figured I would see “Anywhere But Here” just to add another review. Then, low and behold Big Cooter sends me a review of “The Messenger” so I didn’t need to see that one, Stu Gotz tosses me a “Dogma” review so so much for having to see that one, and I was relegated to seeing “Anywhere But Here” or the Malkovich movie. So, what’s wrong with this picture – Single guy, thirty something, by himself, going to see “Anywhere But Here.” I tried to justify it in my mind by saying Susan Sarandon is still hot and Natalie Portman has a killer smile, but I felt kind of weird on the latter because Natalie played a mid-teen for most of the movie and liking her killer smile just didn’t seem right. Anyway, what about “Anywhere But Here?”

I kinda figured I wouldn’t have too much to relate to this film, it being about a mom and daughter, and, well, I was kind of right because there are usually only things a mom and daughter can share, and this movie hit on most of them. But there was a side that I think most people can relate to and that’s the interaction of a parent and a kid. In “Anywhere But Here” you’ve got Susan Sarandon as Adele, the mom who doesn’t want to waste any more time in Wisconsin, thinks her daughter, Ann (Natalie Portman) can be a star, packs up leaving her second husband, daughter in tow, and drives her Mercedes to Beverly Hills. They meet up with a realty agent who sets them up in the crappy side of Beverly Hills (that’s all they can’t afford), but still able to go to the right schools. Ann hates it and continually threatens to leave her mom, maybe find her real dad, and get on with her life. Adele gets a job at a school, kinda inner-city (a huge culture shock for her), and struggles to pay the electric bill. So, for a couple of hours, we get to see the mother/daughter relationship. Some happy times, some “hate you” times, and just, well, a good story of how as much as you may hate her, your mom is still mom and there is that bond that can never be broken.

There’s more to the story than that I guess, probably more along the lines of how Adele is annoyingly optimistic 98% of the time and how Ann is trapped wanting to live her own life but mom wants her to live the life mom planned out. It’s a story of growing up, letting go, and just kind of figuring out about life.

Susan Sarandon is fantastically annoying in her role as Adele. I couldn’t stand her most of the time and almost hoped for Ann’s sake that Ann would run away. But, she did have her moments as “mom” that you know she just wants the best for her daughter, unfortunately forgetting to ask her daughter what she may want. Then there’s Natalie Portman as Ann, dead-on as the teenage girl struggling to love her mom as mom, and just trying to get through to her that sometimes the parent has to realize their motives aren’t what will make their child happy. She gets embarrassed in front of her friends (haven’t we all), she makes fun of her mom (haven’t we all), and she just wishes her mom was dead sometimes (haven’t we all), but deep down she loves her.

Alright, from a “blow things up” guy’s perspective, you’ll probably hate “Anywhere But Here.” But, it is a touching movie (how’s that from the sensitive, new millennium kind of guy), the acting is great, and I think even as a dude you can relate to the underlying story of a parent who has a dream for their child that, well, doesn’t match the child’s dream. In the end it’s 4 stars out of 5.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!!

Any Given Sunday

MPAA Rated – R
It’s 2:42 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

Any Given Sundy
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Al Pacino, Jamie Foxx, Cameron Diaz, Dennis Quaid
MPAA Rated: R
Released By: Warner Bros.
Kiddie Movie: Nope. Very adult story line.
Date Movie: You make her watch football every Sunday, do you think you should force her to watch any more?
Gratuitous Sex: Some.
Gratuitous Violence: It’s about football – there’s some violence.
Action: It’s about football – there’s some action.
Laughs: A chuckle here and there.
Memorable Scene: Nothing sticks out.
Memorable Quote: Nothing sticks out.
Directed By: Oliver Stone

This may sound petty, but the main problem I had with “Any Given Sunday” was the fact that the football action sequences sucked. The story was alright, Jamie Foxx did a great job as the coming-of-age quarterback, and when does Al Pacino ever give a bad performance? But even though Oliver Stone is Oliver Stone, and maybe it wasn’t his intention to have cool football sequences, going to a football movie I want to see some good football. “Any Given Sunday” didn’t have good football.

The story kinda goes like this: Al Pacino plays a weathered coach, Tony D’Amato, brought up when football was history, for players, owners, and fans. The owner died and left the team in the hands of his daughter, played by Cameron Diaz, who believes the coach’s thinking is old and is hurting the team.

When coach loses his star quarterback, Cap (Dennis Quaid) to an injury and the youngin, Willie Beaman (Foxx) takes charge, you can feel the changing of the guard from old-time football to new-time football, and it’s too bad. But there is hope because Willie quickly learns that as much as football is about him, there is no “I” in “team” and without his team his life is shit. And who helps him open his eyes, you guessed it, Tony.

The story is kind of simple and shows how dirty and profit-driven sports has become, how it isn’t about the players at times (the painkillers and bad medical advice) but at times is still about the players (the painkillers and bad medical advice – kind of along the “what else am I going to do with my life, coach?” mentality). And it’s a good story, although kind of long, and that helps carry the movie, because, like I said, the action sequences went for an artsy feel instead of making you feel the hard-hitting sport that is football.

So this review is short. “Any Given Sunday” had a lot of potential, and a lot of that potential rested in the hands of Pacino, Foxx, and Stone. As a story and as an acting lot the movie was good. But it is a football movie, and with that comes one expectation – great football scenes. I wanted to feel the action. I wanted to cringe when players got hit. I wanted it to be better than “Inside Football” on HBO. I didn’t want a long, drawn-out, artsy shot of a football spiral coming at me. I got the spiral. That disappointed me and with that disappointment comes a 3 ½ stars out of 5.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

The Ant Bully

MPAA Rated – PG
It’s 1:28 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

The Ant Bully
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Jake T. Austin, Nicolas Cage, Alan Cumming, Zach Tyler Eisen, Paul Giamatti, Myles Jeffrey, Regina King, Cheri Oteri, Julia Roberts, Meryl Streep, Lily Tomlin
MPAA Rated: PG
Released By: Warner Bros.
Directed By: John A. Davis

It’s an animated movie, and it looks cute. You get a little kid, Lucas, pissing off an ant hill of, well, ants, usually by drowning them with the water hose. Low and behold, somehow, the ants get a magic potion that will shrink a child down to ant size. Ah, now it time for our little Lucas to learn a lot of lessons about working together, friendship, and being strong, by becoming one with the ant colony.
The movie looks cute, but maybe more for the kids rather than the adults. I’ll still probably try to catch it, but this doesn’t seem to have the fun adult fair other animated movies tend to throw in.

That’s it for this preview! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Annapolis

MPAA Rated – PG-13
It’s 1:48 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

Annapolis
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: James Franco, Tyrese Gibson, Jordana Brewster, Donnie Wahlberg
MPAA Rated: PG-13
Released By: Touchstone Pictures
Kiddie Movie:
Date Movie:
Gratuitous Sex:
Gratuitous Violence:
Action:
Laughs:
Memorable Scene:
Memorable Quote:
Directed By: Justin Lee

Opening in January, finally most of the artsy movies will be done, and we can just get a decent movie about a recruit joining the Naval Academy. Isn’t that what we all want after Christmas?

Here’s the simple synopsis…

James Franko is Jack. He’s a dude who doesn’t have nearly the connections or standing in society to get into the United States Naval Academy, yet from the trailer, he pesters his way in. Cole is played by Tyrese Gibson. For most of those at the Academy, they got in after high school, yet Cole found his way there after serving a couple of tours of duty and now is an instructor. Cole sees a great future for Jack, only Jack doesn’t always see it, and the story isn’t new, but it looks fairly entertaining. It’s also got Jordana Brewster, who’s looking great.

I’ll have to see how the football season is going if I get a chance to see this film, but it doesn’t look horrible, just kind of re-hashed at a different military school. So what.

That’s it for this preview! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

The Animal

MPAA Rated – PG-13
It’s 1:17 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

The Animal
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Rob Schneider
MPAA Rated: PG-13
Released By: Columbia Pictures
Kiddie Movie: Not too young.
Date Movie: Let her go see “Moulin Rouge.”
Gratuitous Sex: The movie set was a little cold at times, but that’s about it.
Gratuitous Violence: Nah.
Action: Nah.
Laughs: Toilet humor mostly.
Memorable Scene: None.
Memorable Quote: “Is it true you can smell what’s up people’s butts?”
Directed By: Luke Greenfield

I hate to sort of bash a movie when the kids that were leaving seemed to enjoy it so much, but I just thought “The Animal” could have been a much more funny movie if it were geared towards the younger-youngins rather than the just getting to the puberty-youngins. Sure, it had the toilet humor you might expect, and sure it had Colleen Haskell, the little cutie from the first Survivor, and sure it had a fun cameo by Norm MacDonald and Adam Sandler, but I think it just missed its calling.

Rob Schneider plays Marvin Mange. Basically he’s a loser stuck as a clerk in the police evidence room. His dad was a great cop and his dream is to become a great cop like his dad. The problem is that he has neither the instincts nor the aptitude to be a cop. One day his car careens off a cliff and Marvin is next to death. Well, Marvin is rescued by a cooky doctor (Michael Caton) who saves Marvin by replacing his body parts with animal organs. As miraculous as that is, well, it only takes a week for Marvin to recuperate and he’s back on the job unaware of his surgery except that he begins to notice some changes in his actions, you know, things like being able to sniff out drugs, run faster than a horse, dry himself off without a towel, and unless he doesn’t shower I’m sure the had to have noticed the excessive hair on his butt.

While getting his shot on the police force by catching the drug smuggler in the airport, well, Marvin also begins seeing Riana (Haskell) who is an animal and tree lover. There is also a couple of other things that Marvin is noticing, namely his voracious appetite for raw meat and his sexual urges. Finally Marvin hooks up with the cooky doctor who tells him about his surgery and tries to help Marvin deal with his urges. I think that’s enough of the story.

I had a couple of problems with the movie. One was that the jokes basically relied on Marvin’s new-found sexual urges, even to the point of him trying to get it on with a goat and him peeing to mark out his territory, and the other was the stupid sub-plot of Marvin’s friend Miles (Guy Torry), a black guy who thinks he is just getting special treatment because white people feel bad his ancestors were slaves. Not that they weren’t funny at times, and other times they just seemed stupid, but for a movie that could have really been great for kids, well, they even made me a little uncomfortable.

I think they should have kept the movie clean, geared it more towards the fun things Marvin could do now that he had animal instincts and abilities, and just let it be a good family film. Schneider did his best with what he had to work with and Colleen was cute (although I think she’s too squinty), but the movie just went for the cheap jokes instead of really trying to be creative.

Sometimes you get what you pay for or expect and for your hard-earned dollar you get an hour and a quarter of jokes for thirteen year old boys. I can appreciate those jokes as much as the next guy, so I’ll give the movie 2 1/2 stars out of 5 for being what I expected (actually, I’ll make that 3 stars for the scene where the set must have been a little chilly), but in all honesty, you should really just wait for this movie to hit cable.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!