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Have you shot a bow and arrow?

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I’m watching music videos wondering what I’m wondering about and the start to Luke Bryan’s “My Kind of Night” video starts with him shooting a flaming arrow to start a bonfire to have a fun night, complete with a truck bed with Saturday Night Fever lights in the floor. Mind you he has a full-blown bow and arrow setup, the kind you would use for hunting, and I harkened back to my younger years, at day camp where one of the activities was to shoot a bow and arrow, only this was old-school with the crappy bow and an arrow that had fletchings that were all messed up so that there was really no way that the arrow would fly straight, and should it have been a flaming arrow probably would have strayed into the woods and started a forest fire instead of a party-time bonfire.

As I was watching the video it also occurred to me that the other day I saw a truck advertising archery lessons and I wondered “Are there that many people looking to learn archery to make it a profession?” The truck was nicely donned in camouflage, and I actually thought it might be fun to shoot a real bow and arrow, but then I wondered why I would ever need that skill, unless, of course, the world goes to hell and a hand basket and we have to live off of the land like our ancestors. Then I wondered if I could actually shoot an animal to eat.

There’s been a lot of wondering since the start of that music video so I suppose I’ll just keep this simple and wonder: Have you shot a bow and arrow?

That’s it for this one! L8R!!

Should Andy Have Taken the Strawberry Lemonade?

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Something came up the other day that put a wrinkle in my day, and left me in a bit of quandary. The plan for lunch was for some Greek food. I’m a fan of a good gyro, or maybe a pastitsio, and I was looking forward to the lunch for a few days as it would be a break from the norm. As my day would have it something came up right during lunchtime, taking me away from my culinary plans and now, in a hurry back to the status quo of the day was quickly trying to ponder something else for lunch, something with a drive-thru as it should be quicker, and that I could eat in the car. Don’t ask me why but all that came to mind was a McDonald’s Quarter Pounder with Cheese meal. Weird.

I find myself heading into the drive thru in one of those fancy McDonald’s with the double-drive through, another car kind of sneaks in front of me but I don’t think anything of it, quickly say “a quarter pounder with cheese meal with a Diet Coke,” and proceed to the window. Meanwhile, the car that snuck in front of me at the other drive-thru speaker was still sitting there, and I was just happy I wasn’t stuck behind them.

At the window I’m getting ready to pay, oddly content with my lunch choice and now wondering the complexities of eating my burger in the car without getting catsup down my shirt, when low and behold the manager pokes his head out at me and says “Were you cut-off coming in line?” I really didn’t think anything of the other car, it wasn’t like the did a blatant “sneak,” and say “No.” “Well, the lady in the car behind you feels bad for cutting you off and wants to buy you a strawberry lemonade.” Now my wheels are spinning as I didn’t feel I was cut-off in the first place, I was already content with my Diet Coke, and I was also thinking that it seemed like an odd gesture for a resolution to being rude. I mean, “I cut this guy off. I know, I’ll buy him a strawberry lemonade!” What about picking up the tab for my meal? What about some fries? I would have preferred some extra fries. Even a bottle of water seemed more appropriate because now I’m saddled with my Diet Coke and a strawberry lemonade. I mean, how thirsty did I look?

In the end I told the manager something like “Well I really don’t want a strawberry lemonade, and I don’t think she really cut me off. Can you tell her ‘Thank you’ for me?” Now the manager seemed perplexed because he had already rang up the strawberry lemonade on her order and I could hear him telling Skippy at the register to offer her the money back. It all just seemed very complicated, but as I drove away and began the logistics of cleanly eating my burger while I was driving (happily with no catsup spillage) I wondered: Should I have taken the strawberry lemonade?

That’s it for this one! L8R!!!

Do You Stop for Coffee on the Way to Work?

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They opened a new donut shop on my way to work. Umm, donut!

This is bad.

The Fat Elvis Donut You see, I’m a sucker for a good donut, and this place, Jo and Doh! Donuts in Naperville has plenty, including the best maple bacon donut I’ve had to date and this donut called the Fat Elvis, a double-sized Bavarian Cream topped with peanut butter, bananas, and bacon. When they opened I hate to admit it but I stopped every day for two weeks on my way to work. It was bad, but it was so good!

I have since curbed my donut-stopping though I have to say it is super-difficult at times, but the thing that always struck me was that every time I came in they asked if I also wanted some coffee. I would always decline as I had my own in the car. Then the other day there was a story about how Chicago has 164 Starbucks stores, and if you are in the immediate Loop area there are 64 of them, which pretty much means if you want a Starbucks you are probably only a couple of blocks away from one.

As I make my own coffee, or I guess I should specify and say “latte” at home and take it to work, and as Mel asked me again if I would like a coffee with my donuts and I declined, I wondered: Do you stop for coffee on your way to work?

That’s it for this one! L8R!!

Do You Like Squirrels?

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I’m not sure where my fascination with squirrels comes from. I suppose it has to do with growing up in Lorain where squirrels were abundant and we would feed them on our back patio, giving them an ample supply of peanuts especially when winter was upon us, even to the point when I was younger and found myself brave enough to let our neighborhood buddy take a peanut from the palm of my hand. They would look in the patio window at the bag of peanuts if we weren’t early enough to put them out for their breakfast, and in general, they were just fun to watch.

I love seeing squirrels eat a nut, commercials with talking squirrels, and this morning Brad Paisley has made me his biggest fan because as I’m watching the video for his latest song “River Bank,” a catchy, summer ditty that makes me wish I had an inner-tube and lived near a river, there he was, Twiggy, the water-skiing squirrel, helping Brad and his friends have a party in the river. The video includes a squirrel-cam so you can get close-ups of Twiggy as he cruises around, gets soaking wet, and seems to have a blast (as much as a squirrel can have a blast I guess), but in any case I was mesmerized, and along with a fun song, now I have the image of a water-skiing squirrel in my head every time I hear it, which just seems wrong as there were plenty of girls in bikinis and downing tequila shots during the song as well.

So there, I like squirrels, and I wonder: Do you like squirrels?

That’s it for this one! L8R!!

Would You Confuse “Hotel California” as a Fleetwood Mac Song?

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As I’m getting maybe one of the worst haircuts in my entire lifetime, and that includes some of the old “bowl” haircuts my mom used to give me, I had tons of ideas for some of these “wonders,” including wondering how long it’s been since your last, bad haircut, if you ever felt you were going to be stabbed while getting your hair cut, if you wanted to just jump out of the chair and run while getting your hair cut, and wondering if you ever had a haircut where the person cutting your hair didn’t ask you, somewhere during the process, if it looked okay, instead just saying you were done and letting you go on your merry way.

I know, what does this have to do with Fleetwood Mac and/or the Eagles?

Well, let me tell you.

The girl cutting my hair was in her twenties. I know this because she commented how her friends were all in their twenties also, and she couldn’t believe they were having kids since that meant they couldn’t go out drinking and have fun anymore. Sure, that seemed a little peculiar as I know a lot of people with kids having a ton of fun, but hey, what do I know? As I’m sitting there I hear the music in the background and for whatever reason they are using iHeart Radio and listening to KOST 103.5, because, I guess, Chicago doesn’t have any decent Adult Contemporary stations. “Hotel California” from the Eagles comes on, and the girl makes a comment how she’s a huge Fleetwood Mac fan. “Okay,” I thought, “I’ll try to converse some more since the entire ‘kids don’t let you drink anymore’ conversation has stalled.” “Oh, are you going to their concert coming to town.” Yes, Fleetwood Mac was touring again and coming to Chicago in the fall. She replied “No,” and then said “This is Fleetwood Mac, right?”

Instantly in my head was “You are a huge Fleetwood Mac fan, but, umm, you confuse them with the Eagles?”, but I nicely comment, “No, this is the Eagles,” to which she replies “Oh. My dad is a huge Eagles fan, and my mom love Fleetwood Mac,” or maybe it was the other way around, but in any case I went back to screaming in my head wondering what my hair was going to look like at the end of this because, did I mention, that she didn’t have the chair so you could see yourself in the mirror as she was cutting your hair?

I do understand she was in her twenties, and haircut wonders aside, as I was driving away with tears in my eyes wondering how I would explain this haircut to anyone and if my wife would love me anymore, I couldn’t help but wonder: Would you confuse “Hotel California” as a Fleetwood Mac song?

That’s it for this one! L8R!!

Sophia Grace & Rosie’s Royal Adventure

MPAA Rated – G
It’s 1:10 Long
A Review by:
–Andy Labis

Sophia Grace & Rosie’s Royal Adventure Movie Stats & Links
Starring:	Sophia Grace Brownlee, Rosie McClelland, Amy Louis Wilson, Anna Skellem, Margaret Clunie
MPAA Rated:	G
Release Date:	May 20, 2014
Distributed By:	Warner Bros. Home Video
Kiddie Movie:	It’s really who this movie is for, or fans of Ellen.
Date Movie:	Only if it’s your husband, and he’s watching it with the kids.
Gratuitous Sex:	Um, no.
Gratuitous Violence:	Some slapstick.
Action:	Some running.
Laughs:	Cute laughs.
Memorable Scene:	Rosie’s use of her last wish, and Sophia Grace questioning her reasoning.
Memorable Quote:	Nothing stood out.
Directed By:	Brian Levant
Cool things about the Blu-ray:	You can learn about pink, and sing along with the girls.

In the world of “You will get exactly what you’d expect” and “cookie-cutter movie,” I bring you “Sophia Grace & Rosie’s Royal Adventure.” And that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

First the back-story, and you can skip this paragraph if you already know who this duo is. Sophia Grace Brownlee and Rosie McClelland became famous for having a video of them singing and dancing to Nicki Minaj’s “Super Bass” go viral. Ellen DeGeneres, never one to shy away from having an Internet sensation on her show, invited them on, they sang and danced, and the Ellen fans loved her. Seeing gold, and because the girls are uber-cute, Ellen kept having them as guests, with Sophia Grace doing most of the boisterous talking while Rosie was just adorable. Then Ellen realized “Let’s have them be correspondents!” and the pair started doing red-carpet reporting, and you would thing the rest was history.

Of course not. Let’s make a movie!

So we get the girls in a fictional movie where, as correspondents for The Ellen DeGeneres Show, they head to Switzelvania to cover the coronation of the new queen. Under the watch of Phyllis Bundt (Amy Louise Wilson), the girls head over on their flight, Phyllis, of course, loses the girls and ends up on her own adventure to get back together with them, and the girls find themselves sneaking into the castle.

At the castle the girls, instead of just being correspondents, are mistaken for nieces for the princesses, and decide to just roll with it. As fakers they get to individually meet the princesses and realize things are a mess in Switzelvania. There’s Princess Imogen (Anna Skellem) who is obsessed with herself, another who is a ditz, and Abigail (Margaret Clunie), the shy one who likes to dress up as a super hero. The girls quickly realize that the best choice is Abigail, but she is far from Queen material, and their new quest is to give her a crash-course in manners and poise.

And hilarity ensues.

Oh, and did I mention there is a magical duck that grants Rosie three wishes?

I know I should say “Spoiler alert,” but if you can’t realize that our heroes save the day, that Abigail becomes Queen after Rosie uses her magic duck, and that Phyllis ends up with a hunk, you do not really understand the meaning of “cookie-cutter” as I mentioned in the opening of this review.

Look, this movie wasn’t made to bring any Academy Award nods, although I’m one to give an award to the duck, but really it’s just a nice, fun movie for fans of Sophia Grace and Rosie, with a cute, happily ever after story, and the girls get to sing and dance. If the movie was being promoted as something fantastic and a must-see I would probably give it 2 stars in terms of originality and acting, maybe even less, but the movie is really being set up as what it is, you will get exactly what you expect if you know who the girls are, and for that I’m going to add a star for 3 stars out of 5. Not the greatest of films, I would have liked a little more originality, but the girls are their adorable selves, and the right princess does become Queen. Get it knowing exactly what you are going to get.

As far as the extras on the Blu-ray combo pack mostly it’s about the singing and dancing department with a featurette of the songs in the movie, and I learned a lot about pink, but for the most part the extras aren’t anything uber-special.

That’s it for this one! L8R!!

Have You Used a Radar Dedector?

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There I am, driving in the dude-mobile, and I spot it, stuck to the windshield of the car in front of me, this little object with a row of red lights, and I thought to myself, “Self, that’s a radar dedector. I didn’t know anyone even bought them anymore. I wonder if they’re even worth it.”

I remember the days of the Fuzzbuster, and the constantly changing technology that whenever it seemed you had the latest and greatest device to let you speed, along came a different style radar gun to thwart it, finally leading to LIDAR, using fancy laser light to detect your speed, thereby reducing the effectiveness of most radar detectors to nil. For me I’m not a speed demon, in fact I’ve been ridiculed on trips with my friends as they would kindly mention that “Grandma Moses just passed you up!”, and the one time I did get a speeding ticket it was when I was clocked by aircraft on the Ohio Turnpike where, as I was cruising with most of the traffic, we all came up on a lane reduction, thereby causing everyone to slow down, and the lovely patrolman was standing on the side of the road pointing at just about every car coming up on the zone and directing them to the side of the road to get their respective tickets.

Lately many manufacturers have incorporated things light red-light camera notification and using GPS to tell you where speed traps tend to be, but as many smart-phones have an app that does the same thing, I find it a little odd that the dude in front of me had one. Sure, it can go back a while, but I do wonder: Have you used a radar dedector? If you have, I would love to know if it has been recently, and if it helped thwart the fuzz.

That’s it for this one! L8R!!

Would You Respond to an Ad Posted on the Side of the Road?

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Driving in the dude-mobile the other day I’m seeing a plethora of handwritten signs on the side of the road at intersection. Now, every now and then I see the signs for garage sales and the never-ending furniture stores announcing they are going out of business and liquidating all of their stock which always makes me wonder how many furniture stores there are, and why are they always going out of business. This time, though, was a garage sale kind of sign stuck in the ground, and written in giant marker, sloppily, it bragged that an investor was seeking an apprentice and that by working part time you could make $5,000 a month, while if you really put the full-time effort you could be pulling in $10,000 a month! “Holy cow!” I thought, $5,000 a month for a part-time job? Sweet! And I’d only be an apprentice? My God, what could I actually make if I were the “investor?”

The curious person in me wanted to jot down the phone number and call, but the logical person in me was skeptical, kind of like with the liquidating furniture stores, and figured I would just get roped into some scam where I would sink our life savings into some scam business where the way you make money is by convincing an “apprentice” to pay you money for the secrets to making money, all the while dispatching said “apprentice” to post signs on the side of the road.

I notice them all of the time, poorly written instructions on a garage-sale kind of sign, stuck in the side of the road, where I can be a painter, realtor, apprentice, and the like, all the while making exorbitant amounts of money for just a little bit of work, and I wonder: Would you respond to an ad posted on the side of the road? On a secondary note, it you have, I would love to hear your story of how that worked out.

That’s it for this one! L8R!!

Would You Go on a Water Slide Taller than The Statue of Liberty?

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The other week I’m watching the news and there is talk of a water slide that has officially broken the Guinness World Record for tallest water slide. Sure, there’s a world record for just about anything these days, so why not a water slide? Most people might probably expect the story to be at some exotic location, maybe Dubai or Kuala Lampur, you know, those places where they are building skyscrapers that touch the heavens, or maybe at some fancy Six Flags theme park, but no, instead of the United States sporting the tallest skyscraper we get to now boast the tallest water slide, and not in some huge metropolis – to ride the tallest water slide get your butt to Kansas City, Kansas (not the Missouri version), and this place called the Schlitterbahn Water Park, a chain of water parks throughout the country, but now making Kansas City famous.

The ride is called Verruckt, and clocking in at 168′ 7″, the drop is taller than The Statue of Liberty or going over Niagara Falls, and as the website lets you know, you won’t be getting a super-wedgie as this is an actual ride where you will be safely secured in a four person raft before going over a second hill a mere 50 feet.

Sure, the fact you will be in a raft might take some of the daredevil nature out of the ride, but still, it seems kind of wacky going down a water slide that would be like plunging over Niagara, though no more wacky than some of the tallest roller coasters. Me, I used to be a roller coaster kind of guy, though that has waned mostly because I haven’t been to my favorite theme part in the world, Cedar Point, in years, home to some of the best coasters and memories squiggles and of my buddy Rob doing an impression of Cornholio before we even knew who Cornholio was.

I probably won’t be making it to Schlittergahn anytime soon, but America, be proud! We have the tallest water slide, but I wonder: Would you go on a water slide taller than The Statue of Liberty?

That’s it for this one! L8R!!

Is There a Commercial that Drives Your Pet Bonkers?

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I officially hate Mark Cuban. No, it’s not because of his somewhat arrogant attitude. No, it’s not because of some of the things he’s invested in on “Shark Tank.” No, it’s not because I’m secretly jealous. Okay, hate is a strong word, so I suppose I don’t hate him, but he’s really getting on my nerves.

Why?

Because he’s the centerpiece of a current AT&T commercial for their U-Verse service, and every time it comes on our dog goes bonkers. Why? Because it has a doorbell that sounds exactly like our doorbell, and it rings at least 1000 times in a span of 30 seconds.

In the commercial the doorbell rings, and Mark answers the door, holding his tablet with the big game on it. A basketball legend arrives, they watch the game on his table while walking to the living room, then the doorbell rings again, more basketball players show up, they watch the game on the way to the room, and the situation keeps playing out about 1000 times (or at least so it seems as our dog goes ballistic with every doorbell ring) eventually leaving Mark Cuban in his living room with way too-tall players blocking his view of his TV, so he’s relegated to watching the game on his tablet, in the easy chair at the back of the room, which he is able to to because he has U-Verse.

Our neighbors, I’m sure, are ready to call the cops because our dog is barking so much for a thirty-second span, Milo thinks he is protecting us way too often and wonders who keeps ringing our doorbell while we just ignore whomever is at the door, and I’m not blaming AT&T, nor the variety of basketball legends attached to the commercial, nope, I’m blaming Mark Cuban because, well, that’s just easier.

The underlying problem with the commercial is that it pretty much starts with a doorbell. There have been other commercial with doorbells that make Milo bonkers, but there was generally a 3 to 5 second window before the doorbell, enough time for us to dive for the remote and hit the mute button before barminess hit. Not this commercial. Pretty much it’s got about a millisecond lag from seeing Cuban on the couch to the doorbell ringing. Not enough time for muting, not enough time to change the channel, but just enough time for Milo the Protector to do his duty and decide his little fifteen pounds of white fur will be enough to protect us from the bad guys at the door.

I was hoping this was just an ad run for the NCAA tournament as that’s when it started, but it’s continuing, now, through the NBA playoffs, and I fear that now we won’t be able to watch any TV for months, thanks to Mark Cuban.

Milo used to want to attack the TV when he would see animals or other dogs on it, but now it might be Marc Cuban as a Pavlovian response of protection. No more sports to watch, no more Shark Tank, at least if we want some peace and quiet. And so, as I now hate, okay am bothered by Mark Cuban, I’m wondering: Is there a commercial that drives your pet bonkers?