Category: Movie Reviews

Eye of the Beholder

MPAA Rated – R
It’s 1:45 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

Eye of the Beholder
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Ashley Judd, Ewan McGregor, k.d. lang
MPAA Rated: R
Released By: Destination Films
Release Date: 1999
Kiddie Movie: No way.
Date Movie: She might get a little scared, or might thing you’re a stalker.
Gratuitous Sex: There’s some.
Gratuitous Violence: Some quality kills.
Action: Not too much on the action side.
Laughs: Only at things that didn’t make sense.
Memorable Scene: Ashley Judd (Joanna) stabbing a dude.
Memorable Quote: None.
Directed By: Stephen Elliott

There are many ways to go for realism in a film. Sometimes you try to get shootings to look real. Sometimes you try to get acting to seem real. And sometimes you try to get scenery to look real. Now this might not make sense to anyone who hasn’t seen a Chicago police car, but I just had to chuckle as I was watching “Eye of the Beholder” when The Eye (yea, no name really, just “The Eye”) (Ewan McGregor) and Joanna (Ashley Judd) ended up in Chicago. Other than the fact that there aren’t many cobblestone streets, who told the filmmakers that the police cars had red stripes on them? I saw the Chicago rollers and there they were, painted in red instead of the blue that every person who has seen any other movie with Chicago coppers, from a film like “The Blues Brothers” to “The Fugitive,” would know. It was at this point that “Eye of the Beholder” just took a downturn from “Ehh” to “wait for cable.”

So, in “Eye of the Beholder” you have The Eye, a spy dude with a couple of screws loose because he lost his daughter who is, well, spying, on Joanna and her latest conquest. She’s not playing with a full deck either as she sort of has the black widow thing going. You know, using men for their love (and money) and then killing them. Well, after seeing Joanna and hearing voices from his lost daughter, The Eye basically bails on his spy career and turns into a stalker, trailing Joanna across the continental United States and ending up in Alaska. We get to see The Eye using his high-tech spy things to catch her words, her actions, her falling in love, and her finally seeming to have a happy life with a blind dude until The Eye messes that up. But he thinks that he is meant for her, she doesn’t really know him until it’s too late, and, well, the movie doesn’t have a happy ending except to have you going “That’s it?” At least that’s what the lady in back of me said as the credits started to roll.

There were lots of problems with “Eye of the Beholder” and none of them had to do with the acting of McGregor nor Judd. McGregor is in a roll right after the Star Wars flick, maybe so he doesn’t fall into the “Mark Hamill Syndrome.” He’s a good enough actor, playing the messed in the head spy who can’t help but try to help Joanna, but the role is stuck in a story that really ends up making little sense. Ashley Judd, still one of my favoritist actresses lately, is great as the disturbed man-killer, really just looking for someone to love her and not see her for what she is, and does her role well. But the problem comes in the story, especially on the The Eye side. Yea, he’s great at being a detective, but he’s a little, as my mom might nicely say, loony. His co-workers know this, but they don’t do anything except maybe enable him. And when he finally snaps, well, even with all the spy gear and the spy agency he works for, well, they can’t find him, which I find odd because he always wears the dingy red coat and looks disheveled. At first he seemed like a great spy, but by the end he just made me laugh, especially with his shrine of snow-globes, and his final inability to tell Joanna just who he is.

So, McGregor was good and Ashley, I’m happy to say, is a great actress with a great body and isn’t afraid to show it. But the rest of the movie, well, it was good until you realize that The Eye is basically a stalker with cool spy shit.

So, as I checked my watch during the movie I was deciding to give “Eye of the Beholder” 2 ½ stars, then came the Chicago roller’s blunder and I just can’t handle that. At least get the color right. As much as McGregor was good, as much as Judd was good (and she got naked too), I just couldn’t get over the red coloring on the Chicago cop cars and the story just seemed really dumb after that. I really hate giving this rating for an Ashley Judd movie, but it’s 1 ½ stars for “Eye of the Beholder.” It was a movie with a lot, and I mean a lot of potential, but at least give me a little bit of realism, or at least find out what color the cop cars are.

That’s it for this one. I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Extract

MPAA Rated – R
It’s 1:32 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

Extract
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Jason Bateman, Mila Kunis, Gene Simmons, Kristen Wiig
MPAA Rated: R
Released By: Buena Vista Home Entertainment
Release Date: 2009
Kiddie Movie: Put them to bed.
Date Movie: My BFF liked it, so go ahead and watch it with her.
Gratuitous Sex: Lots of talk but clothes are kept on.
Gratuitous Violence: A dude loses a testicle.
Action: Nah.
Laughs: Lots of chuckles.
Memorable Scene: Every scene with Ben Affleck
Memorable Quote: Nothing sticks out.
Directed By: Mike Judge

Who knew Gene Simmons was such a great actor? Okay, maybe not great, but as scheister lawyer Joe Adler, I loved him. The movie is “Extract,” and you are definitely getting this Blu-ray for the movie because the extras, well, let’s get to that at the end.

Here’s the story…

Jason Bateman is Joel. From his youth he has been fascinated with “extracts,” you know, things like vanilla that your grandmother would use in baking. Turns out that Joel is also a chemistry wiz and developed special versions that, well, I didn’t really understand it, but they are better extracts used in baking than most extracts. But, that’s not important right now. What is important is that Joel has turned his knowledge into a business, owning and running a bottling plant for his extracts, being married to Suzie (Kristen Wiig), and have a best friend in Dean (Ben Affleck). But things at an extract plant can get a little hairy, especially when you don’t always have the most intelligent or dedicated workforce, and especially when things aren’t the greatest in your love life, as is the case with Joel, and you have recently hired the hottie Cindy (Mila Kunis).

So, Joel wrestles with whether or not he should sleep with Cindy, he hedges this by seeing if Suzie will be faithful while in the company of a new pool boy, and finally, Joel’s big payday might be ruined because one of his employees has hired said scheister lawyer, Joe Adler, and might just drive the company into bankruptcy. Things are rough in the extract business, and Joel knows it.

Look, “Extract” is a Mike Judge film, and as such develops itself into a quirky look at the workplace. “Office Space” had Mike analyzing people in the corporate office, this movie has the folks in an extract processing plant, and it has its moments that I think most anyone can understand and/or relate to. The weird thing about this movie is that it takes many strange turns, from the thievery aspect of the drifter Cindy, to the setting up your wife to cheat on you aspect, to a dude getting a testicle blown off in a freak plant accident, and I think the place that “Extract” lost a little character is almost trying to have too many tentacles in the movie instead of just maintaining the focus on what could have been the funniest of aspects, namely Step getting his ball shot off and hiring Joe Adler as a lawyer.

I have to say that I’m kind of happy that I didn’t catch the movie in the theater, I think I would have been disappointed, but as a DVD I think it’s a nice little comedy that takes a funny look at a food processing plant. For that, it’s 3 out of 5 stars, especially if you enjoy the Mike Judge type of humor.

Now, as far as the Blu-ray, or the DVD for that fact, don’t even worry about the extras. I mean, there’s a little clip about how Mike Judge goes about putting a movie together that is nice enough, but the “Blu-ray” extras, namely the deleted scene and extended scene, aren’t worth it at all. You’re getting this movie on Blu-ray only because, well, you own a Blu-ray player.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Evolution

MPAA Rated – PG-13
It’s 1:43 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

Evolution
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: David Duchovny, Julianne Moore, Orlando Jones, Seann William Scott
MPAA Rated: PG-13
Released By: Dreamworks SKG
Release Date: 2001
Kiddie Movie: Some of it is pretty intense. Keep the kids older.
Date Movie: She’ll probably chuckle like you’ll chuckle.
Gratuitous Sex: Talked about but nothing on screen.
Gratuitous Violence: Alien bugs get shot.
Action: Alien bugs get chased.
Laughs: What you will expect.
Memorable Scene: Our boys chasing the flying alien in the mall.
Memorable Quote: Nah.
Directed By: Ivan Reitman

You know, as stupidly funny as “Evolution” was, I know it is one of those movies that when it shows up on cable I’ll watch it over and over again. Such is the genius of Ivan Reitman – his films never come off as movie masterpieces, but they are movies you will watch over and over again because they are what they are – fun movies.

“Evolution” gives us David Duchovny as Ira. He’s a professor at a community college in Arizona. So is Harry (Orlando Jones), but Harry has the slightly better gig also coaching the girls volleyball team. Then you’ve got Wayne (Seann William Scott) – he’s a firefighter wannabe practicing out in the dessert one night when a meteor totals his car. Harry gets called to the scene because he is a geologist and he brings along Ira for the ride. They sense something might be up from the get-go because, well, the meteor is oozing liquid. Harry and Ira collect some samples and it’s back to the lab.

Well, back in the lab Ira discovers something – there are living things in that ooze and they are evolving way to quickly for this world. A quick visit back to the meteor site and it’s clear they will either be on their way to claiming the Nobel Peace Prize or something bad is coming. Meanwhile, without our heroes’ knowledge, the government steps in to contain the meteor site and they want nothing to do with Ira and Harry. Eventually they befriend Allison (Julianne Moore). She’s working with the feds in studying the site and also has the hots for Ira but just doesn’t show it.

Well, the government people have no clue what they’re in for, Harry and Ira show Allison what is coming, Wayne gets hooked up with our boys and girl because he has caught one of the aliens, and it’s up to our foursome to save the world. Yes, you can guess it, they do.

Lots of people are making comparisons of “Evolution” to “Ghostbusters” and sure, there are similarities, but who really cares. “Evolution” gives us one of the next great movie comics in Orlando Jones, Duchovny shows he has a witty style of humor that can take him past his “X-Files” days, and Julianne Moore, well, she’s Julianne Moore. And, oh yea, he may never get past the dopey dude moniker, but Seann William Scott is perfect as the dopey dude. And let’s not forget the special effects for the aliens. They fly, they crawl, the look like cute blobs that will take your hand off, and they take us a lot farther than the ghosts did in the ghost movies.

Ivan Reitman has a great touch at developing lovable, dopey characters and maybe that’s why a movie like “Evolution” will, in the end, be one of those movies you will keep watching for the hundredth time when it lands on cable. It may not be the movie masterpiece you are looking for this summer, but “Evolution” is exactly what you probably will expect from it – a cute movie to chuckle along with. It’s 3 ½ stars out of 5.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Elf

MPAA Rated – PG
It’s 1:35 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

Elf
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Will Ferrell, James Caan, Edward Asner, Bob Newhart, Mary Steenburgen, Artie Lange
MPAA Rated: PG
Released By: New Line Cinema
Release Date: 2003
Kiddie Movie: Bring everyone along.
Date Movie: Bring her along, too!
Gratuitous Sex: Nah.
Gratuitous Violence: Buddy the Elf beating up the fake Santa.
Action: Nah.
Laughs: Lots of them.
Memorable Scene: Buddy the Elf beating up the fake Santa.
Memorable Quote: Too many to list.
Directed By: Jon Fabreau

Here’s my advice to Will Farrell, and take it for what it’s worth: Please don’t try to play a dramatic actor. Your niche is comedy, and you are great at it, and you are quickly showing that any branch of comedy can be yours. Please don’t set yourself up for a fall playing a dramatic role, no matter what the folks say. Anyway, on to Elf…

It seems that on one of his Christmas runs Santa picked up a wayward baby from an orphanage. Not really knowing what to do, Santa kept the baby for his own. Alright, not really his own, but Santa decided he should be raised as an elf. And so we get Buddy (Will Farrell), a little oversized for the miniature world of Santa’s helpers. And yes, he didn’t really figure out something was different about him until one day his surrogate dad, Bob Newhart (In a fabulous role I must say), had to break the news that true, Buddy was not an elf, and yes, his father was in New York City and on the naughty person list.

So Buddy is off to NYC to find his father and bring a little Christmas cheer to the folks in the big city. Now yes, you have to suspend a lot of disbelief that things are happening, but then again, it is a story about Santa and his elves. In NYC, Buddy does find his dad, and dad is a not-so-great man. Turns out he is a children’s book publisher, and not an honest one at that.

And so Buddy is welcomed into Dad’s home, mom accepts this thirty year old dude in tights, and Buddy quickly becomes best friends with his half-brother when he shows off his snow-ball skills.

But is the story cute for kids? I thought so, especially since most of the kids in the audience seemed to be having as good a time at the film as I was. They got the potty humor, the love story wasn’t that sappy, and in the end we get the cliché ending we are totally expecting.

Elf works for two reasons. One we get just a nice little Christmas story about a naive elf finding himself in the big city trying to spread Christmas cheer. Two, we get a perfectly cast movie. Edward Asner as Santa is terrific. He’s in a predicament with Buddy and works that out. He has problems with his sleigh and works that out, and in the end is the embodiment of Christmas. James Caan as the dad is great, too, at first just working to make a buck for the company, but then realizing family is just as important. Zooey Deschanel as the love interest is innocent enough, and Mary Steenburgen as mom actually comes off as believable letting buddy into their home. But the two standouts for me were Bob Newhart in a perfectly cast role, as the head elf, in charge of being buddy’s dad yet having to break him the bad news. The other standout is Farrell. He comes off as the innocent one in a movie that could have him as just a dufus, and his scene when he confronts the “fake Santa” at the store (Artie Lange from the Howard Stern Show) is just fabulous.

Elf seemed to be enjoyed by most of everyone in the theater when I was there, although one joke did seem to go over most people’s heads, the one about the baby asparagus being self conscious because their pee smelled (am I the only one familiar with asparagus pee?). Maybe not for the really young one, but I think Elf is pretty great for the whole family.

It’s 4 stars out of 5 for Elf.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Brave

MPAA Rated – PG
It’s 1:35 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

Brave
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: The voices of: Kelly Macdonald, Billy Connolly, Emma Thompson, Craig Berguson
MPAA Rated: PG
Released By: Disney / Pixar
Release Date: November 13, 2012
Kiddie Movie: Most definitely, especially the girls.
Date Movie: Good for snuggling with your honey, or for some quality family time.
Gratuitous Sex: It’s Disney/Pixar – come on.
Gratuitous Violence: Cartoon-style.
Action: Some chasing and a little scariness.
Laughs: The triplets are very mischievous.
Memorable Scene: I liked when we found out what happened to the triplets when they at the magic cake.
Memorable Quote: Nothing stands out.
Directed By: Mark Andres, Brenda Chapman, Steve Purcell
Cool things about the Blu-ray: The Ultimate Collector’s Edition has tons of extras, some techinical, some related to story-telling, and some related to the look of the movie. There is also the 3-D version of the Blu-ray, an extra disc of Blu-ray extras, a DVD version, and a Digital Copy for you to take on the go.

I know Pixar movies are generally good for the entire family, and sure, many a times they are more boy friendly than girl, but girls, you have now received your Pixar treatment, and it is great. Here’s the thing, though. Whereas many of the “boy friendly” movies end up with “objects” relating the stories of life, for example, “Cars,” “Toy Story,” and “Monsters Inc.,” for the girls we get “Brave,” a wonderful tale that the boys might enjoy but a mother and daughter should love together, and instead of something girly, say a flower patch or cute horses in the lead roles of the characters, for this one we go back to human characters, (Okay, there is a divergence into the lore of a bear, and a Momma Bear as it would be, but let’s move on,) yet maintaining that Pixar cartoony goodness.

Let’s get to the story.

We are in the Highland of Scotland, back at a time when bows and arrows, swords, and clubs were the weapons of choice and castles were the line of defense. Enter Merida, the daughter of King Fergus and Queen Elinor, and her three little, mischievous brothers. Merida is a free spirit, wanting to determine her own fate, but her Mom has her own beliefs on how Merida should live her life. So, while Merida is teaching herself to shoot arrows and ride horses, Elinor is trying her best to instill being the Princess Merida is supposed to be, and eventually take a husband from the other clans as is the custom and tradition. As the suitors line up and Merida begins to enter full rebellion mode, Mom is none too pleased, Merida and Elinor have a big fight, Merida thinks she has found a path to get her way thanks to a witch, and, of course, Merida learns a huge lesson that she should never trust a witch, especially when Merida herself is in the throws of anger.

As it goes, thanks to Merida’s desire to find her own destiny, we get to learn the full story of Mor’du the Bear who is responsible for Fergus having a peg leg, both Merida and Elinor get to learn about the bonds of mother and daughter, and as this is a Pixar/Disney movie, everyone lives happily ever after.

As a story goes, “Brave” is a nice little tale about the challenges a mother and daughter face, and how sometimes it takes both sides to bend a bit to see the love of the other. It’s also a Pixar film, and that means fun, which it has tons of. The animation is awesome, especially the detail that they are now able to do in terms of scenery, shading, color, and just making the movie look fantasticker than when we were blown away by “Toy Story,” so combine the great story and the great animation and we easily remember why, whenever there is a Pixar movie coming out, we are excited. Like I said before, however, this is a story really geared for the girls. I’m not saying the boys won’t like it as it does have lots of action and a fun brawl between the clans, but whereas the boys and dads could relate to the togetherness of “Cars,” there’s much more of a motherly love bond between Elinor and Merida and the mischievous boys are just that – mischievous. It’s a solid 4 stars out of 5 for “Brave.”

Now, as far as the Blu-ray offering the Ultimate Collector’s Edition gives you tons of extras to keep you learning new things for hours. Me, being the tech dork that I am, I wanted more of extras like “Wonder Moss” and “Brawl in the Hall,” two of the more technical extras, but if you want to know how the Pixar team researched all things Scotland, there are lots of featurettes like “Brave Old World” and “Merida & Elinor.” You also get looks into the various animals involved in the movie, explanations of some of the more mystical aspects to the film, a look at scenes that were shortened, changed, or eliminated, and your commentary-type stuff. And as this is a Pixar movie, there is a cute little short called “La Luna” about how the moon changes shape, and a longer look at “The Legend of Mor’du,” the bear that eventually brings the movie full-circle.

Tons of extras, a 3-D Blu-ray if you’ve got the TV for it, a Digital Copy so the kids can take it on-the-go, and the “Ultimate Collector’s Edition” shows how a nicely packaged Blu-ray can be well worth the extras instead of just throwing useless things in the set just for the sake of being there.

All in all a lot of fun with a lot of the extras you would expect and the “Brave” set is another feather in the cap of the Pixar legacy.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Ghosts of the Abyss

MPAA Rated – G
It’s 1:00 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

Ghosts of the Abyss
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: James Cameron, Bill Paxton, and documentary crew.
MPAA Rated: G
Released By: Walt Disney Studio Home Entertainment
Release Date: September 11, 2012
Kiddie Movie: They might like Jake and Elwood.
Date Movie: It’s not a snuggle movie, but if she likes a good documentary, watch it with her on the couch.
Gratuitous Sex: Umm, no.
Gratuitous Violence: Umm, no.
Action: Some suspense.
Laughs: It’s got some cute moments, especially the prank on James Cameron.
Memorable Scene: Saving Elwood!
Memorable Quote: Nothing stands out.
Directed By: James Cameron
Cool Things about the DVDs: The 3 Disc Blu-ray gives you the 3-D version, the standard Blu-ray, and a normal DVD. The extra featurettes are fun because they are kept short and sweet and to the point.

I wasn’t exactly sure what to expect with “Ghosts of the Abyss.” I vaguely remember when it hit the theaters and being a fan of the movie “Titanic,” I thought it might be an interesting watch, but I never made it to the theater to catch it. With the chance to catch the documentary at home now that it’s been digitally remastered, I was bummed I didn’t have a 3-D TV to watch the Blu-ray 3-D version, but the standard Blu-ray was good enough to see some awesomeness of the Titanic, and combined with James Cameron’s telling stories and using his filmmaking genius to superimpose the real world on the decaying wreckage, he crafts a documentary that tells the last hours of the Titanic and of the world that was taking place on the ship before the disaster struck.

Gone is the fictitious story of Jack and Rose, and in its place are two new stars, Jake and Elwood, the little robot cameras used for much of the filming of the documentary, at least undersea, and even though one might think “Oh wow, I saw it all during “Titanic,” it is very interesting seeing the footage put together and at times, truly think about the actions of the passengers and crew on that fateful night.  The documentary follows Jim and the crew, along with Bill Paxton who is along for the ride, on going deep into the Titanic with their little robot “stars,” and does a good job at showing many of the dangers involved in missions to the bottom of the sea. Sure, you won’t see tag lines of “Strap yourself in for wild ride!” for “Ghosts of the Titanic,” but there is some suspense and some action as well, as even I was nervous for the boys trying to secure the submersibles when the arrived back up top to find thrashing seas, and who won’t get a kick when Jim won’t leave Elwood behind as the little guy gets stuck inside Titanic.

Just as exciting as the documentary itself with its visual splendor, I was equally fascinated with the extras on the Blu-ray version, with the “Reflections from the Deep” featurette containing six, well-constructed stories of the “making” of the movie, none of which are too long to bore you but give enough to entertain, and who doesn’t like a good prank, and we find that even James Cameron isn’t exempt from some silly shenanigans.

“Ghosts of the Abyss” is a nice little documentary package about the Titanic. No, not about the movie, but about the ship, and for some beautiful visuals and interesting storytelling as James Cameron is able to do, it’s a solid 4 stars out of 5 for this little documentary, and the extra featurettes aren’t too shabby either.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Dr. Dolittle 2

MPAA Rated – PG
It’s 1:28 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

Dr. Dolittle 2
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Eddie Murphy, Krisen Wilson, Kevin Pollak, Lisa Kudrow, Norm Macdonald, Steve Zahn
MPAA Rated: PG
Released By: 20th Century Fox
Release Date: 2001
Kiddie Movie: Some of the humor is toilet humor so figure on that.
Date Movie: It’s harmless – bring her along.
Gratuitous Sex: Nah.
Gratuitous Violence: Nah.
Action: Nah.
Laughs: Some good laughs here and there.
Memorable Scene: Archie taking a dump in the bathroom and the scene with the crocodile and “The Crocodile Hunter.”
Memorable Quote: Nah.
Directed By: Steve Carr

You know how sometimes you can get too much of a good thing? Well, I enjoy toilet style humor as much as the next person, think farts are funny, and can find burps humorous, but lately it seems every movie has added those elements and sadly I’m not finding flatulence as funny any more. The latest movie to think it needs toilet humor is “Dr. Dolittle 2.”

“Dr. Dolittle 2” brings Eddie Murphy back as the good doctor. Now that his secret of talking to the animals is out, well, his practice is thriving, although the family unit could be doing better. But there’s a problem – namely the mean, nasty logging company is crouching in on the mob boss’ territory, and by mob boss I’m talking about a beaver who controls the animals in the woods. In a sit-down with our doctor, well, Mr. Beaver convinces Dr. Dolittle that he has to save their land, and with the help of his wife, Lisa (Kristen Wilson), well, it seems the only hope is to get the endangered female bear, Eva (voiced by Lisa Kudrow) to make baby bears. Unfortunately the only male bear left, Archie (voiced by Steve Zahn) has been trained as a circus bear and Eva wants nothing to do with the wimp. So it’s up to Doctor D to turn Archie back into a manly bear while the nasty logging company has a plan of their own to get Archie back into captivity. And, oh yea, Doctor D has to deal with his growing daughter, Charisse (Raven-Symone) who brings along her boyfriend, Eric (Lil’ Zane), for their vacation/Archie training trip to the woods.

Well I’m not going to give away the ending although I’m sure you can figure it out, but I’ll just add a few things. First, like the first Dr. Dolittle, well, the jokes are what you might expect from talking animals. You get Norm Macdonald back voicing the family dog, you get bathroom humor from Archie, you get a chameleon who can’t change colors, you get the drunken monkey, and you get the animals as, hmm, I guess they’d be called “made” animals in their little mafia world. You also get a scary vision of the world if animals could talk to each other when they all go on strike. But, in the end, you get a cute movie that gets a little preachy about the whole logging thing, but you’ll chuckle here and there and the kids will probably find Archie lovable.

You know what you are asking for by going to see “Dr. Dolittle 2” and you get just that, but I just wish movies could get a little more inventive instead of just relying on farts and doody to make me laugh. It’s gonna be 3 stars out of 5 for “Dr. Dolittle 2.”

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Dogma

MPAA Rated – R
It’s 2:08 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

Dogma
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Ben Affleck, Matt Damon, Linda Fiorentino, Salma Hayek, Jason Mewes, Kevin Smith, Chris Rock
MPAA Rated: R
Released By: Columbia/Tristar Home Video
Release Date: 1999
Kiddie Movie: Nope, lots of swearing.
Date Movie: She might find it funny or maybe just find it disturbing.
Gratuitous Sex: Nah.
Gratuitous Violence: They don’t show it, but it’s hinted at.
Action: Not really.
Laughs: Lots.
Memorable Scene: Rufus falling out of the sky and Silent Bob’s facial expressions.
Memorable Quote: Two quotes by Jay: “Snootch to the motherfuckin’ nootch!” & “Beautiful, naked, big-tittied women just don’t fall out of the sky you know.”
Directed By: Kevin Smith

I don’t know why but “Dogma” is quickly becoming one of my favorite videos to watch or movies to watch for on cable. Maybe it’s the way they question religious beliefs, maybe it’s the subtle jokes, or maybe it’s because they bust on the platypus. In any case, as long as you can keep an open mind about religion, well, “Dogma” might just be a movie for you.

Opening with a disclaimer that the movie is fictitious and should be taken as a comedy, Silent Bob (Kevin Smith) and Jay (Jason Mewes), joined by the 13th apostle, Rufus (Chris Rock) help Bethany (Linda Fiorentino) make her way to New Jersey to stop two banished angels, Loki and Bartleby (Matt Damen and Ben Affleck) from entering a church and negating all of existence. How can entering a church end existence? Well, it seems the Pope has decreed, in conjunction with the New Jersey church’s anniversary, that all who pass through the church doors get their sins forgiven. Loki and Bartleby, who have been banished by God from Heaven for eternity, could find their way back into heaven if they walk through the church doors. This would make God fallible and thus end existence as we know it. Alright, my explanation isn’t the greatest, but Bartleby does a better job explaining it to Loki, and they begin their journey to the Garden State.

So it’s a race against time to stop Bartleby and Loki, and Bethany and her entourage aren’t without their difficulties getting to Jersey. There’s a run-in with a shit demon, Jay constantly trying to get in Bethany’s pants, Bethany questioning why she is chosen to stop the angels, and Azrael and his goons trying to stop Bethany because he wants existence to end.

Like I said before, “Dogma” is at its best on many levels, from Loki’s conversation with a nun resulting in her wondering what she is doing with her life, to the Rufus’ dilemma of not being in the bible because, well, he is a black man, to Alanis Morrissette playing God, and portraying God as kinda, well, a ditz. This movie isn’t to be taken seriously, but it may make you wonder if Mary did have sex with Joseph after Jesus was born because, as Rufus explains, “Do you really think he would have stayed married to her for all those years if he wasn’t getting laid?”

I didn’t see “Dogma” in the theater so I can’t say which place might be a better venue to see it, but it is nice to be able to pause and rewind to go back and catch a joke or two you might have missed in the theater. That and the fact that the DVD subtitles helped me figure out one of my favorite lines, only because it still doesn’t make sense to me, “Snootch to the motherfuckin’ nootch!” I give Dogma 4½ stars out of 5.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Deep Impact

MPAA Rated – PG-13
It’s 1:55 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

Deep Impact
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Tea Leoni, Robert Duvall, Elijah Wood, Morgan Freeman
MPAA Rated: PG-13
Released By: Paramount Pictures & DreamWorks Pictures
Release Date: 1998
Kiddie Movie: Some drama stuff might bore them, and millions of people get killed, although not graphically.
Date Movie: She might get weepy and hold your hand.
Gratuitous Sex: Nope.
Gratuitous Violence: Not really.
Action: Some, when the astronauts are on the asteroid.
Laughs: For me, at the stupid people still living on the east coast.
Memorable Scene: It was pretty cool seeing New York City getting wiped out.
Memorable Quote: Jenny (Tea) is having a drink with her dad and new step-mom, after figuring out Earth is on its way out, and the step-mom says “Life goes on.” Jenny replies, “Life goes on… We’ll see.”
Directed By: Mimi Leder

How’s this for a fancy reviewer line for “Deep Impact”: “Deep Impact” is one of the most predictable, emotional, roller-coaster rides I have seen on the big screen since “Titanic.” Alright, maybe it isn’t the greatest line, but “Deep Impact” was predictable, hell, it was about Earth being hit by an asteroid (and we know that happens from the trailers), and it was emotional (I did find myself anxious for the astronauts trying to blow the big space rock up, and welling up a little as people were saying goodbye). But I guess comparing it too “Titanic” is a little much – as predictable and somewhat emotional, it wasn’t that good, mostly maybe, for me, because of the stupidity of everyone one Earth who died (except the, well, people who had to).

Well, you know what the movie is about – a big asteroid is heading for Earth – what are we to do? In the case of this group of Earthlings, we don’t seem to do much. In any case, let’s start at the beginning. Tea Leoni stars as Jenny Lerner, an up-and-coming newsperson who is trying to make her way up the newsperson ladder. She stumbles on a seeming sex-scandal story in Washington D.C. (oh, like this is topical anymore?). In any case, she’s ready to blow the story open, but in a secret meeting with President Beck (Morgan Freeman), he convinces her to hold off for a couple of days. Get this – she does. Well, the story comes out that it isn’t a sex scandal, but an asteroid is heading for Earth.

Alright, I can buy it so far, and at this point there’s about a year left before the asteroid hits, and the government has a plan – send a spaceship with some astronauts to land on the asteroid and blow it up before it hits. Sounds good to me, and it’s ten months till our astronauts make it there, but our newsgirl Jenny asks something like “What if that doesn’t work.” “Don’t worry,” says the Prez, “It will.” Guess what, it doesn’t.

Alright, plan number two, lets shove a bunch of people in a cave for a couple of years. So, with that, we have the impending end of life as we know it, and our story has turned from an adventure film of blowing up an asteroid, to people planning their end. You get your typical “I’m not leaving you, I’d rather die with you than live without you” scenes, you’ve got some scenes of looting and stuff, and you’ve got people being airlifted to the big cave. Then we get some heroes, a big tidal wave, cities being wiped out, and people surviving. In the end, a nice film, but what was wrong?

I’ll pose what was wrong by asking a few questions. One, you’ve got about a year until a big asteroid is going to wipe out most of life on Earth for about two years – what do you do? We sort of used to ask this question back in college, but instead of a year, you had about 20 minutes because Russia was launching some nukes. Our solutions back then – drink heavily, head for the roof, and catch one mean old suntan, or head to the girls residence hall and say “Hey baby, the world is going to end in 20 minutes. How about you and I end it with a bang!” Some guys actually tried the latter, without the imminent threat of nuclear war, and usually ended up being slapped. But, what if you had a year? Would you trust your survival on the hopes the government could get something right on the first try? I doubt it. Me, I’d be digging a cave of my own, and stocking up on the essentials, things like beer, “Twinkies,” matches, and toilet paper.

Alright, I’ve got a head start on everyone else on my asteroid shelter, but problem number two – why was anyone still living on a coast, other than some ambitious surfer dudes and dudettes, when there were two months from the time of knowing the astronauts screwed up, and the time the asteroid would hit the earth. Hmm, Earth is a whole bunch more water than land, and if the asteroid hits that water it will create one gnarly wave most likely to reach into, like Ohio on the east coast, and maybe like Utah on the west – I’m staying in New York City and hoping the asteroid hits the Pacific. Come on, move your butt to someplace nice and cozy, someplace like the midwest. As sad as it sort of was, all those people being washed away to sea on the east coast, I say too bad – you should have moved.

“Alright, Dude, that can’t be everything bad with the movie, you said it wasn’t that good.” True, there were a bunch more flaws in human nature in “Deep Impact,” but I guess the end problem in the movie, short of a few good performances, and a couple of cool scenes, was that the movie lacked the consistency in both from beginning to end. Don’t get me wrong, the movie is pretty entertaining, but in these days of standards being pushed to another level, pretty entertaining becomes just another movie, even if millions of people died (I will say it again – they were stupid).

So, I did like “Deep Impact,” even with the stupid people, but in the end there were too many scenes of not great acting, too many scenes of total predictability, and too many scenes, well, maybe too many intertwined story lines – you had the astronauts, the newsgirl, the kid who found the comet and his chick, families in turmoil, and oh yea, a big ol’ asteroid. It was just too much.

I’ll give “Deep Impact” 3 out of 5 stars. It was good, not great, and it might even bring a tear to your eye.

That’s it for this one, I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!

Driven

MPAA Rated – PG-13
It’s 1:56 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

Driven
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Sylvester Stallone, Burt Reynolds, Kip Pardue, Til Schweiger, Gina Gershon
MPAA Rated: PG-13
Released By: Warner Bros.
Release Date: 2001
Directed By: Renny Harlin

No, you’re not seeing things. That is Sylvester Stallone in that racing helmet. I know, I didn’t believe it either, and when I heard he was going to be doing a race car movie I figured there wouldn’t be much that would make me want to see the film, and then I read two words – Gina Gershon. No matter what the movie it can’t be that bad as long as she’s in it, and hopefully it will be rated R and she gets naked.

Anyway, the story looks like your typical race car story: New guy comes on the scene and learns from the old guy how to be truly great. Toss in a love story or a dude stealing another dude’s girl and you’ve got “explosive action mixed with compelling drama.” Blah, blah, blah.

The racing scenes in the trailer do look pretty kick-ass as I’m sure things have progressed a lot camera-wise since “Days of Thunder,” and even though it’s written by Stallone, I keep reminding myself that he did write “Rocky.”

Sometimes Stallone is fabulous (“Rocky,” “Cop Land”), sometimes not so fabulous (too many to list), so it’s a toss-up on the excitement to see this film. But, there is the Gina Gershon factor so you can rest assured I’ll see it anyway.