Category: Movie Reviews

Dead Silence

MPAA Rated – Unrated
It’s 1:30 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

Dead Silence
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Donnie Wahlberg, Amber Valletta, Ryan Kwanten, Laura Regan, Judith Roberts
MPAA Rated: Unrated
Released By: Universal Pictures
Release Date: 2007
Kiddie Movie: Only if you want them to have nightmares about dummies.
Date Movie: Good for the both of you to snuggle to.
Gratuitous Sex: Would have added a star, especially in an unrated version.
Gratuitous Violence: Tongues get torn out, there’s blood, and people die.
Action: Some running and chasing.
Laughs: Nothing really.
Memorable Scene: I did like Jamie’s dad, all the way through the end.
Memorable Quote: None
Directed By: James Wan

I hate to start a review with a rant sometimes, but for “Dead Silence” a rant, I believe, is necessary, and this rant has to do with the folks who marketed the film when it first was hitting theaters, and even those marketing the film now coming out on DVD. The trailer for “Dead Silence” simply started with “From the writers and directors of ‘Saw’” and that, for me, says expect a lot of gore, blood, twisted-ness, and over-the-top horror fun. The DVD states “New Unrated Version. More Gruesome and Horrifying Than Anything Seen in Theaters.” The problem is that the movie isn’t more gruesome and horrifying than anything seen in theaters, and it doesn’t come close to the level of over-the-top, yet fun, gore as seen in “Saw.” Nope, “Dead Silence” is actually a decent thriller, with some nice twists and some horror gore (but no nudity, bummer), and I probably would have seen it in theaters when it first came out if they just marketed it as a horror/thriller and ignored the then “reputation” of “Saw.” I also would have liked my first viewing of the DVD if I weren’t waiting, for an hour and a half of watching, for more gruesomeness, horrifying-ness, and “Saw”-ness, instead of just wrapping myself into the story and thriller-ness of it.

Enough ranting, here’s the story.

It seems that in the town of Ravens Fair there is an old story about a ventriloquist lady, Mary Shaw (Judith Roberts), who haunts the locals. She never had any kids, only dolls, and if you saw her in your dreams you shouldn’t scream because she would tear out your tongue. Jamie (Ryan Kwanten) comes from Ravens Fair but has moved out of town with his wife Lisa (Laura Regan). One day a ventriloquist dummy gets delivered to his doorstep, Lisa ends up dead – sans tongue, Detective Lipton (Donnie Wahlberg) thinks Jamie killed her, and Jamie is heading back to the old homestead to bury his wife, investigate her murder, and confront his dad, Edward (Bob Gunton). He finds that pop has a new wife, Ella (Amber Valleta), is being trailed by the good Detective, and things are getting more twisted in his hometown. Dummies have been exhumed, the funeral director’s wife seems crazy, there are flashbacks to the downfall of Mary Shaw, her death, and the actual story of why Mary Shaw’s spirit is taking revenge on the town comes to light. In the end Jamie finds some secrets he might have done better without learning.

I’d go more into the story, but there isn’t a reason to. Most people find ventriloquist dummies kind of creepy to begin with, so them going on a killing rampage in a horror flick isn’t a surprise. Hell, most of us find ventriloquists a little creepy so them going on a rampage in a horror flick wouldn’t be a surprise, either, and “Dead Silence” builds on our general creepiness of ventriloquists and their dummies. The problem I had was because the way the film was marketed I really expected an over-the-top horror flick, with ghastly, brutal killings, rather than just the thriller it was. Sure, there were some twists and turns at the end, one which was totally obvious from the get-go, another I was surprised I missed, but for most of us who have grown up with the horror genre, “Dead Silence” is actually a better thriller than a horror/gore fest.

If you find ventriloquists and their dummies creepy, and you’re looking for a movie to snuggle with your honey on an evening, “Dead Silence” really wouldn’t be that bad a choice. There are some slow points, but most thrillers have them, and some of the killings won’t really be a surprise, but some killings aren’t always a surprise in most thrillers anyway. I give “Dead Silence” 3 stars out of 5. It’s not the most original of flicks but has its moments. Ignore the marketing because if you are anywhere between 17 and 50 years old, growing up between “Friday the 13th” through the “Scream” series and beyond, it’s not more gruesome nor horrifying than anything seen in theaters. Just enjoy the thriller for what it is, a thriller about creepy dummies with some moments of tearing out tongues.

As far as the extras on the DVD go, I found it funny because I actually thought the alternate opening would have been a better one then giving me the historical origins of the word “ventriloquist,” the deleted scenes were fine being deleted, it was interesting seeing how the film folks found a great choice for Mary Shaw, but maybe the marketing folks should have watched “The Making of ‘Dead Silence’” part that shows “Dead Silence” is really a tip of the hat to old-time horror flicks and not just a gore-fest, nor meant to be that gruesome nor horrifying, just thrilling.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Déjà Vu

MPAA Rated – PG-13
It’s 2:08 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

Déjà vu
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Denzel Washington, Val Kilmer
MPAA Rated: PG-13
Released By: Toucstone Picures
Release Date: 2006
Directed By: Tony Scott

Denzel Washington is Doug. He’s an ATF agent investigating a case, only all of a sudden it is cases of déjà vu that start to lead our hero, Doug, through his crack investigating and hoping to solve a case before more bad stuff happens.

Sure, the premise sounds kind of goofy, but Tony Scott is directing, from “Man on Fire” and “Enemy of the State” fame, and Jerry Bruckheimer is producing so that usually means some good action, and Denzel is the lead, and he usually seems to have a good eye for exciting, thrilling scripts. I am looking for the next trailer before I see where this ends up on my viewing calendar, but right now the right people are involved.

(DOTR Update: I just saw the next trailer for this movie and now I’m not so excited. Why? Because the déjà vu that Doug is supposedly able to experience is due to some crazy government project that can see, transport you, feed you memories in the past of events that have already happened. I would have preferred if they just kept the original idea of déjà vu a reality, and not some wacky science project.)

That’s it for this preview! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Definitely, Maybe

MPAA Rated – PG-13
It’s 1:42 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

Definitely, Maybe
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Isla Fisher, Elizabeth Banks, Rachel Weisz, Ryan Reynolds, Abigail Breslin, Kevin Kline
MPAA Rated: PG-13
Released By: Universal Pictures
Release Date: 2008
Kiddie Movie: Nope, most of the story is about love and romance, so unless you want them saying “penis” a lot, get a sitter.
Date Movie: Umm, duh?
Gratuitous Sex: Some kissing and rolling around.
Gratuitous Violence: Nah.
Action: Nah.
Laughs: Quite a few.
Memorable Scene: I won’t ruin it, but it made me weepy.
Memorable Quote: Maya: “I can’t believe she rehearsed with Charlie!”
Directed By: Adam Brooks

I am such a puss. I’m sitting there watching “Definitely, Maybe,” and the touching scene is telegraphed and totally obvious, yet there I was, getting a little weepy. Part of the problem I have seeing movies is, for me, foreshadowing is usually second nature, and I try not to let it influence my review, but damn, it almost sucks worse when you know what’s coming, you’ve already prepared for it in your head with “Oh yea, he’s gonna” do this, the moment comes, and you get weepy anyway. Like I said, I’m such a puss. Ugh! I hereby turn in my guy-card.

Anywho, “Definitely, Maybe” shows us that kids can be both inquisitive and wise, and no one is more inquisitive and wise than ten-year-old Maya (Abigail Breslin), especially after she was just given her first sex education class. When Dad, Will (Ryan Reynolds), in the midst of a divorce, picks her up from school after said class, little does he know the questioning and scrutiny he is about to come under, and it all relates to Maya wanting to know which of Dad’s previous girlfriends is her mom (she did, remember, just find out how babies are made) so for an evening bedroom tale, Dad gets to explain to Maya his past loves, and maybe help Maya understand why things didn’t work out between him and her mom.

Starting back in 1992, fresh out of college, with his college sweetheart, Emily (Elizabeth Banks), Dad explains how back then he had aspirations, as a young Democrat, to become President of the United States, and what better way then to work on the campaign of a Governor from Arkansas named Bill Clinton. To do so, though, Will must go to New York City, eventually breaking up the two of them up (don’t worry, that’s not really a spoiler), but this allowed him to find two other women, namely Summer (Rachel Weisz) and April (Isla Fisher). As the years go on we learn of Dad’s escapades and friendships with all three, with Summer being a journalist who always had a thing for her elder thesis advisor, Hampton (a fantastic Kevin Kline), while April becomes Will’s perpetual friend, although there is always that tension of love when they are together.

So, as we flashback from Will’s stories about love to Maya’s interpretation of the women, Emily thinks she has figured out whether Summer, April, or Emily are her mother, and we get to find out, too, only the movie doesn’t end there because Maya, wanting Dad to be happy, knows she has a little more work to do.

What makes “Definitely, Maybe” work are multitudes of things. One was I thought Ryan Reynolds did a nice job at playing Dad, as well seeing his aspirations for the world rise and fall with the world of politics (it’s a great scene when he throws his noodles at the TV as Bill Clinton is awash in Monica-Gate) intertwined with his relationships. You can also see his trouble in finding true love, and how, being a dude, he fails to see love right in front of his eyes. Now, as much as Ryan was good, it is really the women who steal the show in this movie. Elizabeth Banks does a great job as Will’s college girlfriend, I don’t think anyone really wanted Summer to be Maya’s mom, especially towards the end, with Rachel Weisz playing that part well, and Isla Fisher is just adorable as April, the friend and never the girlfriend. But, of course, the scene-stealer was constantly Abigail Breslin who was both adorable and hilarious, and used just enough to not overdo her adorableness and hilariousness

Okay, dudes, if you don’t have a sensitive side and you get pulled kicking and screaming to this movie, you do have three good-looking ladies to ogle at while your honey is touched by the romance of it all, but if sometimes you have a soft side, I think this is a great movie for couples of any age. Part of me, though, is sad, because it looks like Ryan Reynolds is growing up which sadly means no “Van Wilder: He’s a Professor Now.”

It’s 4 ½ stars out of 5 for “Definitely, Maybe.” Fine, you can attribute some of that rating to my being a puss, but there are a lot of cute laughs in the movie brought out by everyone, and the addition of one of my favorite A3 songs (and it’s not even “Woke Up This Morning”) didn’t hurt, either.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

The Da Vinci Code

MPAA Rated – PG-13
It’s 2:28 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

The Da Vinci Code
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Tom Hanks, Audrey Tautou, Ian McKellen, Alfred Molina, Jean Reno
MPAA Rated: PG-13
Released By: Columbia Pictures
Release Date: 2006
Kiddie Movie: Nope, it’s a little brutal and too confusing for them.
Date Movie: It’s good for the both of you.
Gratuitous Sex: A couple of butts and something in the shadows.
Gratuitous Violence: Nothing gratuitous, but it’s got some.
Action: Lots of chases.
Laughs: A couple of cute chuckles.
Memorable Scene: Sophie can’t walk on water.
Memorable Quote: Not really a quote, but I did like the answer to open the wacky map cylinder thing.
Directed By: Ron Howard

From reading everything out there, it almost seems that you could probably count the critics who liked “The Da Vinci Code” with the fingers on both hands. Well, I’m starting the toes because I liked the movie. Let’s get to it…
“The Da Vinci Code” is the screen adaptation of the book of the same name that you would think, from the number of books sold, everyone in the world has read. Well, I didn’t, so I didn’t know exactly what the secret of the book was about, but thanks to every critic assuming everyone has read the book, by the time I went to see the movie I already knew the story. I suppose I might as well ruin the movie as well, at least sort of.

It seems there is a death at The Louvre (that’s a famous art museum in Paris, for those of you who really live under a rock). But it’s not a normal death, nope; this dude was shot and then somehow was able to leave all kinds of clues all over the museum giving some hint as to the secret of his killer. Enter Robert Langdon (Tom Hanks). He’s a dude who studies symbols and their various meanings, and it seems our dead dude had all kinds of symbols associated with him. So he’s at The Louvre checking out the dead body, with Captain Fache (Jean Reno), and enters Sophie (Audrey Tautou). She warns Robert he is in danger, grave danger in fact (and in the famous words of Col. Jessep, “Is there any other kind?”), that he can’t trust the good Captain, and now the race is on to figure out the clues, only it seems the clues don’t really lead to the killer, but to a secret the Catholic Church has been hiding since the beginning of the Catholic Church. It seems that since the 300’s there has been a war going on within the church. On the one side are the normal church people we know and love, only they have been trying to eliminate the secret that has been covered up, thereby not having it ever be exposed and thereby not having to worry about the church as we know it being destroyed. On the other side are those that know the truth: That Jesus wasn’t really all that special, just a man with good ideas, and that he married Mary Magdalene and she had a kid after Jesus’ crucifixion. So, for the last 1700+ years church folks have been trying to eradicate both those who might be descendents of Jesus, as well as any clue that might suggest this, while the other folks have been working to protect the secret so that when the time was right, the secret would be revealed. Only Sir Leigh Teabing (Ian McKellen) has his own plan – he’s tired of waiting for the truth to come out so he hatches a plan to speed up the process, and it involves some killings, some running, some chasing, and using his good buddy Robert to figure out the secret to finding the map to Mary’s tomb.

Alright, that might sound confusing, but who the hell cares? It’s a story from a fictional novel that way too many people are raising a huff about, although they didn’t seem to raise as much of a huff when the book was on the best seller list. Anyway, religion aside, this is a story about trying to find a treasure map, and that’s where the fun comes in. We start with some cryptic clues, and those lead to more cryptic clues, and we hope the good guys are able to find the treasure and save the day before the bad guys, and we can usually assume one of the seeming good guys is really a bad guy, win. All along our heroes learn things about themselves, and there might even be some lessons for us in the theater audience to ponder. In the end, that’s what “The Da Vinci Code” gives us, and yes, the good guys win.

I will admit that the movie is about ½ hour too long, but my butt didn’t get sore so I wasn’t thinking about it too much, it was just that some of the extended scenes lasted too long. Tom Hanks was great as Robert, and I really didn’t give a crap about his hair. Audrey Tautou is very beautiful, and it wasn’t really a surprise the ending they left her with, and Ian McKellen was great as the nutty history dude. Hell, for that matter, Paul Bettany was great as the misguided “Silas.”

Look, if you want a movie that will entertain you a bit and can realize it’s a movie based on a fictional book, you will probably be okay seeing the movie. Also, if you sometimes question some things about your religion, you will still probably be okay with this movie. If you take every word of the Bible as fact, and can’t enjoy a story that contradicts any of that, you will probably hate “The Da Vinci Code.” Me, I think most religions are full of secrets that the higher-ups think shouldn’t be exposed for whatever reason, I think this is also the case with most governments, and fictional stories like “The Da Vinci Code” are great when they exploit this. Me, I’m still hoping that someone will go and take over for that poor knight who has been protecting the cup Jesus drank out of (a different version of The Holy Grail than in “The Da Vinci Code”), and also wonder in what warehouse The Arc of the Covenant is stored. Now I’ve also got to worry that a certain lady finds a man so that the blood lineage of Jesus will continue on. Such are movies.

It’s 4 stars out of 5 for “The Da Vinci Code.”

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Down With Love

MPAA Rated – PG-13
It’s 1:41 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

Down With Love
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Renée Zellweger, Ewan McGregor, David Hyde Pierce, Sarah Paulson, Tony Randall, Peter Spruyt
MPAA Rated: PG-13
Released By: 20th Century Fox
Release Date: 2003
Kiddie Movie: Little girls might like it, but there’s still some sex things that might be better for teens.
Date Movie: She’ll drag you along and still not like it.
Gratuitous Sex: There’s a remake of a famous talking on the phone scene from the “Pillow Talk” days, but this one is pretty dirty.
Gratuitous Violence: Nah.
Action: Nah.
Laughs: Nah.
Memorable Scene: Nah.
Memorable Quote: Nah.
Directed By: Peyton Reed

Alright, I’m not one to know exactly what people think when they chose a film to be in, but you have to wonder if Ewan McGregor longed for his “Moulin Rouge” days and Renee Zellweger longed for her “Chicago” days, looking at “Down With Love” and saying “I get to sing again. Great! Oh, by the way, what’s the story about?” It’s not that “Down With Love” is a horrible film, and I can like a romantic comedy with the best of them, but after revealing the giant plot twist, and giving an ending that would have really showed the empowering of women, the movie went back to being a cookie-cutter romance and finished exactly how you would think it would.

Pretty much here’s how the story goes. Zellweger plays Barbara Novak. She’s just written a book telling women how to control their man. McGregor plays Catcher Block, a womanizing writer able to woo women at a single look. Novak is set to have an interview with Block, but Block keeps blowing her off opting for romantic rendezvous with a variety of women. As such, Novak finds out why Catcher keeps missing their appointments and vows not to speak with him. Catcher’s problem, and that of most of the male population, is that Barbara’s book, titled ‘Down With Love’, is becoming a big hit and women are now starting to withhold sex from their men.

Catcher now knows that the only way to recharge his sex life is to prove the book a fraud, that women can’t live without love, and the only way to do this is to get Barbara to fall in love. Since Barbara has never actually met Catcher, he decides to give himself the name “Zip Martin,” pose as an astronaut, and woo Barbara, and woo he does. Wining and dining, theatre and ballgames, Catcher is doing his best to get Barbara to fall in love with Zip. Yea, yea, yea, in the meantime Catcher is really falling in love with Barbara. Will Barbara find out Catcher’s plan before he can expose her? Will Catcher give up his plan to write the expose because he loves Barbara? Will there be some convoluted plot twist that could have led to a great ending? Will the filmmakers not end the movie at that great ending point and instead keep the movie going with Catcher groveling for Barbara to forgive him? It is for the last question that I just gave up on the movie and dropped it a star.

They say “Down With Love” is supposed to bring back the sex comedies that were present in the 60’s, specifically the movie “Pillow Talk.” The people making the movie seemed to have forgotten to do the math. Let’s see, “Pillow Talk” came out around 1960. Let’s say that most of the people who saw the movie were older than 20. Well, that makes most of the people who could relate to the movie over 60. I’m just guessing that for the most part your typical romantic comedy audience is a female (dragging her boyfriend kicking and screaming), between the ages of 20 to 45. How many of them have seen the movie “Pillow Talk”, let alone know it exists? So, I’m thinking a marketing plan of “Bringing back the sex comedies of the 60’s” really doesn’t relate. What does relate is a good romantic comedy, specifically the comedy part. That’s what gets one dudette to go see it, have her tell two friends, and they tell two friends, and they tell two friends, and all of a sudden you’ve got a hit. There just doesn’t seem to be a reason for anyone to tell two friends to see this movie.

The story fell short, sure McGregor and Zellweger looked the role of the 60’s movie star, but other than some people who haven’t remodeled their kitchens in forty years, who wants to see a romantic comedy set in the 60’s? The bright spot in this movie was the neurotic Peter (David Hyde Pierce), who seemed to be the only comic relief in a movie that really didn’t have potential for any else. Oh well.

Had the movie ended where I thought it should have, I would have stretched and given “Down With Love” 2 ½ stars, but with the cookie-cutter ending I’m knocking this one down to 1 ½ stars out of 5. It just falls short on too many levels.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Machine Gun Preacher

MPAA Rated – R
It’s 2:09 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

Machine Gun Preacher
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Gerard Butler, Michelle Monaghan
MPAA Rated: R
Released By: 20th Century Fox Home Entertainmnet
Release Date: June 5, 2012
Kiddie Movie: Lots of brutal violence – send them to bed!
Date Movie: She might get frightened and hold you.
Gratuitous Sex: There’s some getting it on but this one is R for the violence.
Gratuitous Violence: Did I mention the brutal violence yet?
Action: Not really any action in this one, just gunfights.
Laughs: Nope.
Memorable Scene: When the little boy shows Sam he might be going down the wrong life road at his orphanage.
Memorable Quote: Lynn to Sam: “Now get off your butt, stop your crying, and build it again.”
Directed By: Marc Forster
Cool things about the Blu-ray: Nothing, really. There is a weirdly added “Making the Music” feature, and a short segement with MarcForster explaining how he made the movie.

When “Machine Gun Preacher” was hitting theaters I heard a couple of interviews, heard the synopsis, and heard a couple of people on the radio that liked the movie, especially Gerard Butler’s portrayal of Sam Childers, and sort of wanted to see the movie for myself even if most of the normal reviewers weren’t so kind. It came and went out of the theater, and I missed the chance on the big screen so when the Blu-ray showed up for me to review, I was excited to see it – My wife, not so much. Violent movies aren’t really her cup of tea, so I watched “Machine Gun Preacher” on my own, and most critics be damned, me, I really liked it.

Let’s get to the story…

The movie is based on the life of Sam Childers, a man whose life was heading down the wrong path, filled with drugs, alcohol, and biker gangs, and a wife, Lynn (Michelle Monaghan in the movie), who started as a stripper but then found God. Sam’s (in the movie played by Gerard Butler) life is about to explode in total badness until he, too, finds God while attending church with his wife. He also hears the story of life in the Africa, how they need help with even the most basic of necessities, and finds himself first in Uganda with the missionaries, building homes for the refugees, but Sudan is calling him, and against the advice of many he travels to the land run by Joseph Kony and the LRA, finding a world of unspeakable horror, and feels he is called to build an orphanage in direct competition with the atrocities of Kony and his men, and with the help of his wife, founding and running the Angels of East Africa organization.

There isn’t a lot very pretty about this movie, only that no matter where they are, no matter the atrocities around them, sometimes the joy of children can bring light to the darkest days. It gives a brutal look, and I mean brutal, at the atrocities occurring in the Sudan, as well as intertwines a movie about a man, Sam, who is torn between his life in the safety of the United States with his wife and daughter or trying to help the innocents of a nation, and as we see the movie progress, he doesn’t do that well on the home front for awhile, but thankfully Lynn is a strong woman and Sam figures it out.

We hear the horror stories of things going on in the Sudan, but you won’t see most of it on TV, although you might see a viral video about it, and sure, “Machine Gun Preacher” is a movie adaptation of Sam Childers’ life and the brutalities happening in the Sudan, and maybe I’m totally wrong, but most of it seems scarily true to form, from villages being burned to the ground (including the people inside), and the journey of one man on his own quest for redemption.

I found Gerard Butler awesome in his role, delicately working the transformation from biker gang dude to, well, still a dude with a mean streak but now using it for good. A nurse warns him that Joseph Kony started recruiting his followers in much the same way Sam was starting to do, but thankfully the children help keep Sam on the path of being a better man.

I really liked the movie, so much so I give it 4 stars out of 5. There is a lot of brutal violence, but then again, a movie telling of the atrocities in the Sudan couldn’t really portray the story without it.

Blu-ray and DVD-wise there is an extra about “Making the Music” for “Machine Gun Preacher”, which I found an odd addition, especially since I’m thinking there aren’t too many people getting this movie for the music, and even on the Blu-ray there isn’t much else, just an added extra with Marc Forster, the Producer/Director of the movie, who pretty much tells you everything you would think of about the making of the movie.  Get this Blu-ray for how awesome it looks, even the violence, on your big screen, and to appreciate the acting of Gerard Butler a little more.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Doom

MPAA Rated – R
It’s 1:40 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

Doom
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Dwayne Johnson, but you might know him better as The Rock, and now that he has secured the name from the wrestling folks, I suppose I’ll just start calling him The Rock now, and for this one, and with all due respect to the rest of the actors, it’s really all about The Rock, and if I had made the movie, he would have been, pretty much, the only actor.
MPAA Rated: R
Released By: Universal Pictures
Release Date: 2005
Kiddie Movie: For goodness sake, leave them at home.
Date Movie: For goodness sake, leave her at home.
Gratuitous Sex: It might have added a star if Rosamund got naked.
Gratuitous Violence: I will say the violence was pretty gratuitous.
Action: It was supposed to be scary, but it wasn’t.
Laughs: Only when there weren’t supposed to be any.
Memorable Scene: Rosamund did look good as it didn’t look like she was wearing a bra and it was a little cold on the set at times.
Memorable Quote: Absolutely none.
Directed By: Andrzej Bartkowiak

I couldn’t believe I was laughing, but there I was, watching “Doom,” and rather than being held spellbound, rather than sitting on the edge of my seat afraid of what was around the corner, I was just laughing. It wasn’t that the movie was a comedy, but it all just kind of piled on every cliché about an action movie that the movie just became funny for me. And that is not what I wanted.

Pretty much the movie starts trying to follow the video game story of “Doom,” namely there has been some kind of incident at a science lab on Mars. Enter who are supposed to be our heroes, namely Sarge (The Rock), Reaper (Karl Urban), Destroyer (DeObia Oparei), Goat (Ben Daniels), Duke (Raz Adoti), Portman (Richard Brake), and The Kid (Al Weaver). There is also a good scientist-doctor, who’s good-looking, too, along for the ride, namely Samantha Grimm (Rosamund Pike). Their mission: To save the trapped scientists, retrieve any scientific data, and rid the facility of the menace that is terrorizing it. But what is terrorizing the facility? Like the game, it seems there has been some weird sciencing going on over on Mars, and now there are these mutants hell bent on infecting or killing anything that isn’t a mutant. So, our bunch of warriors quickly find out that it’s not a disgruntled employee wreaking havoc, and eventually the good doctor fills who is left in what might be going on after Sarge loses most of his crew. Now it’s up to Sarge and the few men left, along with the doctor, to save the day. And then, just when you thought the movie was pretty stupid to begin with up to this point, it takes a horrible turn, which, I won’t really ruin for you if you see the film, but all I could think at the climactic battle was how dumb The Rock looked as a giant scorpion in “The Mummy Returns,” and how dorky he seemed in this ending, which is too bad because other than his role in “The Mummy Returns,” I’ve been enjoying his career.

Anyway, there was a pretty cool scene, kind of an homage to the video game, as for a couple of minute the action is in the first person shooter mode, but unlike when I was playing the game, this didn’t scare me at all.

Look, I loved the video game. It was creepy, there were times when it actually scared me, but it took the player to levels that were really supernatural, and sadly, the movie didn’t do any of this for me, and in all honesty, I don’t think it could. For the movie, I suppose, they had to have some sort of storyline, when, for the most part, although “Doom” the game does have a story, it really is just about shooting things and finding things and ways to continue to the next level.

They did do a nice job recreating the look of the video game, but that’s not enough, and really, for the game, snappy dialogue really wasn’t necessary. For the movie, the dialogue is pretty much useless also, mostly because it is so bad.

I wanted this movie to be good, but as I sat through it, I realized it had no chance. Some video games have a chance to be made into movies, games more like the Tomb Raider series, but the only way “Doom” would have worked, at least for me, is if they pretty much just followed a walk-thru of the game, let it be one dude like the game, in this case Sarge, having to kill lots of mutants and find clues along the way, sometimes finding a doctor who might give him some help, but this movie lost it in trying to be, well, a movie, instead of a video game.

For “Doom,” it’s 1 star out of 5. I’m so disappointed.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Disturbia

MPAA Rated – PG-13
It’s 1:44 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

Disturbia
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Shia LaBeouf, David Morse, Sarah Roemer, Carrie-Anne Moss
MPAA Rated: PG-13
Released By: Dreamworks
Release Date: 2007
Kiddie Movie: It’s meant for the teens. Keep the little ones at home.
Date Movie: Only if she likes teen thrillers.
Gratuitous Sex: Just bathing suits.
Gratuitous Violence: Sadly not gratuitous.
Action: Just running and screaming.
Laughs: There are some chuckles.
Memorable Scene: When Kale gets back at his “ding-dong-ditch” hooligans.
Memorable Quote: Nothing really.
Directed By: D.J. Caruso

All I have to say is “Damn you filmmakers! Damn you for taking a movie that had potential if it were rated ‘R,’ and taking out all of the ‘what would have been great stuff’ out so that it ended up PG-13.” Such is my end take on “Disturbia.”

“Disturbia” gives us Shia LeBeouf as Kale. He seems to be a good kid and actually prefers to go fishing with his dad rather than hanging with his friends. Sadly dad ends up dead and Kale is screwed up. After punching his Spanish teacher (who so deserved to get punched), Kale finds himself under house arrest, with an ankle bracelet, and mom (Carrie-Anne Moss) further punishes him by canceling both his X-Box and iTunes subscriptions. Tired of gluing Twinkies together, Kale starts spying on the neighbors, especially the new neighbor-girl Ashley (Sarah Romer).

But strange things are afoot in Disturbia Lane, namely there might be a serial killer living in the neighborhood and after Kale’s buddy Ronnie (Aaron Yoo) and Ashley come on board, it’s time for our young sleuths to investigate. But the might-be killer, Mr. Turner (David Morse in super, creepy form) is on to our meddling kids, and subtly at times, but not-so-subtly at other times, lets the would-be detectives know that he knows that that are watching him, and that they should know that he is watching them.

So, yea, a couple of times Kale goes outside the confinements of his house arrest and the cops come, and they even almost go along with his story about his neighbor being a killer, but of course there is something else dead in the bloody tarp, and Mr. Turner is free for a little while longer.

Can Kale save Ashley and Ronnie and Mom? Of course he can. What kind of uplifting movie would this be if he didn’t? But it’s not really meant to be an uplifting movie, it’s supposed to be a thriller, and I suppose, in the end, it’s not bad, as long as you suspend a little disbelief of your own.

Look, the trailers pretty much give a lot of this movie away and that’s too bad. We know Kale goes outside of his “safe” zone. We know the new girl next door plays with his affections. We know the neighbor is creepy and a killer. And since “Disturbia” isn’t rated “R” it is easy to guess that things will end up happy, that Ashley won’t get naked (though she is hot in her bathing suit), and that the murdering and slashing will be boring.

Now that previous paragraph isn’t meant to say the movie sucks, because I actually liked “Disturbia” once things got rolling. The problem I really had with the movie was it took too long to get there. We get the extended set-up that Kale is a mixed-up kid: Got it. We get the extended set-up that the hot, new girl moves in and that Kale likes her: Got it. We get the extended set-up that Kale starts spying on the neighborhood: Got it. And it all takes a little too long until creepy neighbor dude is forced to play his hand, and Kale saves the day. Again, got it.

“Disturbia” probably won’t do much for you if you are an adult because this movie has been PG-13’d down for the, well, PG-13 crowd. With some easy tweaks this could have really been a movie that played for everyone, but since I haven’t grown up, well, I guess I still liked it. It’s 3 stars out of 5, but “Disturbia” could have been a 5 star thriller if they didn’t make it for the teen folks.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Die Another Day

MPAA Rated – PG-13
It’s 2:13 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

Die Another Day
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Pierce Brosnan, Halle Berry, Judi Dench, John Cleese, Madonna
MPAA Rated: PG-13
Released By: MGM Pictures
Release Date: 2002
Directed By: Lee Tamahori

Honestly, does it really even matter what I put here for a preview. All I’ve really been able to find out is that James Bond is fighting bad people in Korea and Iceland. It’s got Halle Berry, I hope it’s rated R so that Halle might get naked and the violence will be better, but this looks to be your typical Bond flick where he gets the ladies, has cool cars and gadgets, and always looks dapper in his tuxedo.

I’ll catch this one no matter what I hear because I’m a fan of James Bond, and prefer my martinis shaken, not stirred.

That’s it for this preview! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

The Devil Wears Prada

MPAA Rated – PG-13
It’s 1:46 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

The Devil Wears Prada
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Anne Hathaway, Meryl Streep, Stanley Tucci, Emily Blunt
MPAA Rated: PG-13
Released By: 20th Century Fox
Release Date: 2006
Kiddie Movie: Younger girls, okay. Younger boys, only if they’ve hit puberty.
Date Movie: It’s a dudette flick, with some things dudes might like.
Gratuitous Sex: Anne Hathaway in a nice bra and models in skimpy outfits.
Gratuitous Violence: Nah.
Action: Nah.
Laughs: Quite a few chuckles.
Memorable Scene: Miranda’s diatribe to Andy about the trickle down of high fashion and how it ends up being the color of Andy’s boring sweater.
Memorable Quote: Miranda’s constantly dismissive “That’s all.”
Directed By: David Frankel

I really liked “The Devil Wears Prada.” There, I said it. It’s out of the way. I’m a guy and I really liked “The Devil Wears Prada.” But before I get to my reasons why, let me give you a quick rundown of the movie…

Anne Hathaway is Andrea, a.k.a. Andy. She’s fresh out of college and living in sin with her boyfriend, Nate (Adrian Grenier), in New York City. Andy wants to be a writer, but in the meantime she just needs a job and finds herself in an interview at Runway, a super-de-duper fashion magazine with Miranda Frost (Meryl Streep) at the helm. From the get-go we instantly find that Miranda is a tyrant of a boss, yet everyone still wants to work for her because working, and doing a decent job for Runway, and more important, a decent job for Miranda, can lead to more advancement opportunities than might be humanly possible. Miranda sees something in Andy that Andy doesn’t even realize she has, and suddenly Andy finds herself as the Second Assistant to one of the most important women in fashion. And Andy has a lot to learn, and in about an hour of a movie, she learns it all.

At first Andy is content with her, at least in the fashion world, bland clothing, but she quickly learns the importance of fashion, in even her bland life. Andy also learns that some people honestly think they should be able to be flown out of Florida when a hurricane is bearing down on the area, and it will be your fault because you couldn’t find a pilot with a plane willing to fly in deadly weather. And Andy’s lessons continue to come, like looking good on the outside can help you look good on the inside, especially when your bra is a little more naughty looking. Andy keeps learning things, eventually finding out she has become more similar to Miranda than she ever wanted to be. Life’s lessons are learned for Andy, she realizes the woman she wants to be, and Miranda, in the end, seems proud of Andy, even though Miranda seems to know that she is the bitch she will always be.

There is so much in this movie that I don’t want to give away, but as a dude, seeing what portrays itself as a dudette-flick, I have to give some things away, so let me get down to reasons why I really liked “The Devil Wears Prada.” Movie story aside, performances aside, this movie is about fashion, and the dudettes in this movie, from Andrea to Miranda, are smoking hot, especially in their fashion ways. Fine, Miranda is an older dudette, but she looks fine, and me being me, Andrea was still my type when she was dressing in lowly fashions, even more my type in high fashion, and all of the other dudettes were hot because they always dressed their part. Then there was the story. Andrea is looking for a job as a journalist – that is what she has always done, but the important thing to her is that she has always done her job well. At Runway she’s not a journalist, but the “pride in her job” thing hits her square in the head in one scene, and she realizes she needs to become immersed in the job to do it well because she knows she can, and she does. But Andrea, at first, doesn’t realize the sacrifices she is making in her personal life, and by the end of the movie, she loves the world she is in, but doesn’t love the world she has to be in to be there. Wow, that’s sort of deep. The other side of this coin is Miranda. As a boss she is a terror, but if you can adapt, you live with it because she is at the top of the ladder, and if you want to get there, she is one of them to learn from, at least in the business she is in. But in the end, hot dudettes and the story aside, this movie was about performances, and for me it was perfectly cast, and I will keep it to the main three folks, Miranda, Andy, and Nigel, mostly because otherwise this review will go on way too long.

Starting with Nigel, played by Stanley Tucci, he if sort of the comic element in the movie, but really he deals with Miranda because he knows how to, does a fantastic job at his job, and sees that his platform to independence will come by his working at Runway. But he has a soft spot for Andy and explains to her the inner workings of life at a fashion magazine, and Andy lets him help her to learn the ins and outs. In a sort of touching scene, you can see how proud Nigel is of his student when she has lost some weight and learned how to dress herself in the world she has found herself in. Next up is Anne Hathaway as Andrea/Andy. She comes into the world kind of homely, realizes what she needs to do in order to do her job well, and learns that she has two paths left in her world at one time: Become the next Miranda, or go back to being a journalist. Whatever path she chooses, she sure looked fantastic in the high-fashion clothes.

But the reason to see “The Devil Wears Prada,” and nothing against everyone else in the film, comes down to Meryl Streep as Miranda. Miranda is a bitch, and you get the sense that she really knows she is, yet she doesn’t care because in the world she is in, she can’t afford not to be, and Meryl Streep plays this to the top of the bitch level. She hires Andy yet cuts her down at any moment she can, she has her staff, yet cuts them down at any moment she can, and even when the movie gets her to a point where you think Miranda might have human emotions, she quickly gets rid of them and gets right back to business. This is what she does, and she knows it. But there were two scenes that typified Miranda’s character. The first is a fantastic explanation to Andy about the color of Andy’s sort of plain-jane sweater after Andy can’t tell the difference between two high-fashion belts, and the other scene is when Miranda reveals to Andy that as disgusted as Andy was with an action of Miranda’s, that Andy, in fact, had done the same thing. Meryl Streep accomplished these points with utter perfection, and I can’t see many other slightly older actresses being able to pull it off. I have a new-found appreciation for the actress that is Meryl Streep, especially between this movie and the recent “A Prairie Home Companion.”

I can’t give you a hint if you will like “The Devil Wears Prada” for this review because there are way too many elements that might like lead you to liking this movie. If you like a hard-ass boss, Meryl Streep is the hardest-ass I’ve seen in a while as Miranda. If you like a movie about finding what is important in your life, Anne Hathaway does a great job at the dudette who finds out she is changing into someone she doesn’t really want to be. If you like a movie with hot dudettes, and just want to stare for most of the movie, this one’s not bad either.

Look, this movie review has gotten way too long already, so I’m just going to say again that I really liked “The Devil Wears Prada.” With that, it’s 4 stars out of 5. Whether it is an inspirational story, a story about a pain in the ass boss, or a movie with hot dudettes, see it for what it’s worth and enjoy it.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!