Tag: Andy Wonders

Do you hope to live to at least 100 years old?

It’s my 100th Daily Plight post! Sure, they haven’t all been daily, but 100 is still some kind of milestone! And speaking of milestones, for a person, making it to 100 years old seems like the ultimate milestone, or at least a good one.

I don’t know anyone directly who has made it to 100, nor anyone who has been congratulated by Willard Scott on the Today Show, but my family generally makes it pretty long, with my dad getting to 79 and my mom to 82, although I think my mom could have easily made 90 had she not been a smoker. My Aunt Ang right now probably has the best shot at 100 of most people I know alive right now, having eclipsed 90 a while back, and although her eyesight isn’t the greatest any longer, she still boasts of mowing her own lawn and taking care of her daughter’s dogs. My wife’s family also seems to be a long-living bunch of octogenarians, so it looks like her and I will have many more wonderful years of wedded bliss!

Technology as it gets better and better is probably leading us to days when more and more people will be making it to 100 years, although sometimes I think people wonder if those last few years will be worth it, but I think, for the most part, that even if you are 99% sure you will be making it to Heaven, or your version of the “good life afterlife,” it’s that 1% of doubt of what lies beyond that keeps you not really wanting to leave the living, but as Steve Jobs said, “… death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it.”

I’m pretty sure asking a plight if you know anyone over 100 would lead to limited responses in the affirmative, but as I’m at my 100th plight, I’m plighting: Do you hope to live to at least 100 years old?

That’s it for this plight! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Do you shoot off fireworks that are illegal where you live?

Happy 4th of July! The day we celebrate our independence, the day dogs hate the most thanks to fireworks, and the day before we will hear stories about people who blew off various body parts or maybe lost an eye, fires that started because of a wayward bottle rocket, and people not getting arrested for having illegal fireworks.

Me, I do like a good fireworks display, and I remember being a little kid and being able to buy cooler fireworks, you know, the bottle rockets, roman candles, and larger rockets, in Ohio, that was as long as you signed a piece of paper that said you were going to take them out of state to shoot off. “Yea, that’s right. We’re taking them out of state.”

Fireworks rules are pretty stupid, now, I suppose, what with various states having them legal, others having them banned, others with the “taking them out of state” law, and people rarely being arrested or charged with having them, especially if they shoot them off near the 4th. Here in Chicago you hear of tons of stories of people hopping across the border to Indiana to places like Phantom Fireworks, Krazy Kaplans, and Uncle Sam’s, and every now and then the occasional story of Illinois police watching for people crossing the border to buy fireworks, then bringing them back to Illinois, only to have their 4th of July celebration ruined by the police sting.

Sure, you can buy some cheesy fireworks at the local store most of the time. You know the kind, the black block that turns into a snake, the lame sparkler that is two inches long instead of the ones that are about two feet, and the things that spins around like a flying saucer, but there is something rebellious about shooting off fireworks you aren’t supposed to, and I suppose for this 4th of July I just suggest you all be safe out there, and don’t look down the tube of a firework that didn’t go off.

But for this plight, as we’re getting ready to put Milo’s Thundershirt for the day, I wonder: Do you shoot off fireworks that are illegal where you live?

That’s it for this plight! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Would you describe an address of 20500 as “twenty five hundred” or “two zero five zero zero?”

The number is pretty simple: 20500

Sure, you would think there should be a comma there, as in 20,500, but it’s a street address and not a counting number.

Still pretty simple, right?

The complexity comes in, however, in how you want to describe that number to other people, namely people who might be trying to find the address, and the person I’m thinking of seems to have a hard time understanding why people can’t locate her address sometimes. I found it odd, also, until I heard her describe the address as “twenty five hundred.” Sure, there’s a twenty at the beginning of the address, and it ends in five hundred, but in my head, and in what it seems the heads of most of the people she directs to her office, they all consider her “twenty five hundred” as 2500 on the address range thereby falling short of finding the address by lots and lots of block. The thing is that it’s not the first time I’ve heard someone reference this particular address as “twenty five hundred,” and have a misdirection because of it, but I’m wondering where that comes from, as in my head the address is orated “two zero five zero zero,” or in lazier form, “two oh five oh oh.”

It makes me wonder what the rest of you might call it, so my plight is this: Would you describe an address of 20500 as “twenty five hundred” or “two zero five zero zero?”

That’s it for this plight! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Have You Ever Been in a Parade?

It’s that time of year again as we approach the 4th of July, and I’m not talking about the time to blow off fireworks. Nope, I’m talking about parade time. The Memorial Day parades have come and gone, Chicago just had its Gay Pride Parade, and with the 4th of July there will be a plethora of parades for all to see should they want to be a part of them. Me, for the longest time, I have always been the parade observer, at least back when I was a little tyke and went to parades, and for around 30 years wouldn’t really go near a parade, not even those celebrating my winning teams in Cleveland (Oh, wait. There aren’t any.), nor the celebrations in Chicago for their countless, or at least a few, championship seasons.

I guess after a time I really didn’t care about parades, until, well, I found myself a paradee instead of the parader. As part of my duty as a mascot, suddenly I found myself seated on top of a convertible, cruising through a local downtown, and loving it. The thing about being in a mascot outfit, especially at a parade, is that you feel like a rock star. The kids love you because, as opposed to sometimes when you are up close to them and scaring the bejesus out of them, it’s all about the love. They’re waving, calling to you, and just thinking you are the best, and me, soaking it all in, I’m up there on the convertible, bouncing to the music blaring from the stereo, trying to wave and “connect” to each and every one of my new fans, and thinking parades are the best. There is no better feeling than uber-adoration from throngs of fans at a parade, as long as you don’t remember that in about 10 seconds whomever is behind you in the parade has now become your “fans” best friends.

And so, as we approach the 4th of July, I’m wondering and I plight: Have you ever been in a parade?

Do you wave at mascots on the side of the road?

As a proud member of the fraternity of mascots, I have much respect for everyone who dons the giant costume in support of their team/business/cause, and maybe not as much respect for those who just put on the costume to be freaky, but I do understand the physical challenges of trying to accomplish normal tasks with a giant, costumed head on. I bring this up because although tax season has been over for a few weeks, driving past the Liberty Tax shop the other day I thought about how they hire the people to stand on the side of the road in the Statue of Liberty outfit. Granted the outfit is fairly simple, basically just a robe and a cheesy crown, but they get the kids out there, on the side of the road, trying to lure people in to get their taxes done their and not at the H&R Block down the street.

Having worn a mascot costume before, I have also become a person of mascot envy at times. This stemmed from a stint at a trade show where I found myself in this weird world of the mascot “holding” area, a back suite of offices where all of the various people donning the mascot suits could get set up so as not to freak out any kids that might be around, thus perpetrating that the mascots are actually real characters. The envy stemmed from when, as my costume was made of a giant, plaster head and a body suit that is more like the material from a quilt, thus creating a sauna effect which although good for a Bikram yoga workout, turned me into a sweaty mess, I came across other mascot outfits made of lightweight plastic for the head, complete with a fan, and a body suit made of lightweight fabric that could actually breath. I quickly had dreams of modifying my costume trying to figure out how to put a fan in the head and come up with a cooling suit for underneath the body of the costume. In the end, though, the costume remains the same, and is a good way to drop some water weight when need be.

Back to the Statue of Liberty people.

Driving past, not that tax season is over, I did feel a little bummed because the kids aren’t on the side of the road, because I’m one of those people who always wave at the mascot on the side of the road. I don’t go crazy and honk my horn, well, not always anyway, but driving by I’ll give a quick wave, and feel their pain. I also wondered how many other people wave at the mascots, and so I plight: Do you wave at mascots on the side of the road?

That’s it for this plight! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Do you floss your teeth?

I think I can officially say I now floss my teeth. Okay, I suppose I should clarify that a little. I think I can officially say I usually floss my teeth. Okay, I suppose I should define my version of “usually” for this, namely that I floss my teeth, on average, four days a week. Not the greatest, but a start.

It started after my latest dentist visit when, as a non-flosser, the technician girl mentioned that I should floss (as does the dentist every time I get my teeth checked), talked to me about heart disease and some other useless nonsense (at least in my head), but then, the next morning, as I looked in the medicine cabinet, I thought of my mom, an avid user of the dental floss, and how she managed to get through her 70+ years and was buried with her natural set of teeth. No dentures for mom, nope, one of the things she was always proud of was her teeth, and she attributed some of this to flossing. So I grabbed the dental floss, that “Glide” stuff now preferred by dentists instead of the minty-flavored string that my wife had left in the medicine cabinet, and flossed my teeth.

The scary part? The next day I did the same thing, but then came the weekend. I realized I’m kind of like Vivian from “Pretty Woman” in that I don’t like to floss in front of my wife. It reminded me of the scene where Vivian is in the bathroom after eating strawberries, flossing her teeth, and Richard thinks she is doing drugs. Vivian says “You shouldn’t neglect your gums”…”Are you gonna watch?” and for whatever bizarre reason in my head I just won’t floss in front of my wife.

Admittedly I don’t floss every day (weekends are pretty much out as we get ready in the bathroom together), but for the most part I’m averaging about four days a week, usually during the weekday, which is better than zero days a week I suppose. It was the other morning, however, while flossing, that I wondered about most people, and decided I would plight: “Do you floss your teeth?”

That’s it for this plight! I”m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Did you eat too much Easter candy?

It appears that the Easter Bunny really loves me as there was an Easter basket left for me, filled with tons of goodies, most of which aren’t part of my losing weight plan, but that’s okay because upon seeing the basket I figured I would have enough goodies for weeks. Then yesterday came, I got back from the road, and staring at me were the Reese’s peanut butter cup eggs along with the chocolate covered fruit things from Trader Joe’s. And they stared. And they stared. And they stared. They finally stared enough saying, “Dude, you know you want to eat us. You know you do!”

I couldn’t let the candy down so I decided they shouldn’t last for weeks, maybe just a few days, and then proceeded to eat enough to almost give me a tummy ache.

Tummy ache aside, and knowing I blew my allowed food for the day in one shot, they we so good, but I knew that the next day I’d be back on track because, well, it doesn’t hurt to throw caution, or a food eating plan, out the window every now and then.

As my tummy was happily filled yet turning somersaults, I wondered and I plight: Did you eat too much Easter candy?

That’s it for this plight! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Would you ever clip your fingernails in church?

Going to Easter mass led to its share of normal Easter observations. Of course that is that initial observation of “Where are all of these people going to church today the rest of the year?” As a person who used to be an Easter and Christmas kind of church-goer, I understand, but even when I was that kind of guy I always wondered what kept all of the people away during the rest of the year, or is it mostly just the laziness attitude like I had back in the day. Oh well.

The next observation is the general Easter outfits. Sure, there are some people who don’t dress up, sometimes wearing jeans, but at least usually not any t-shirts with sayings like “I’m with stupid!” on them, but I also don’t think God is that concerned with your getting all gussied up to pray to him. I think he would rather you be a good person rather than worry about what clothes you are wearing. There were also the share of a little more inappropriate outfits, usually worn by the high school girls, teetering on, or actually crossing the line, into skanky, and as these girls aren’t normally prostitutes, I’m not guessing these are there normal outfits and are actually out for a little bit of shock value.

However, nothing was as shocking as looking down on the floor after a I say in the pew. As you can probably guess from the question for this poll, I looked down and there it was, a nicely clipped fingernail. As I usually am when I see those dental floss thingies on the ground, seeing fingernail clippings just seems a little gross, let alone on the floor at church. Now sure, I know sometimes there are fingernail emergencies, but maybe about a foot or two away from what looked like it was a pinkie fingernail clipping, there it was, the thumbnail fingernail clipping, and all I could think about was the person sitting in church, maybe waiting for mass to start and finished reading their Sunday bulletin, and deciding “You know what? My fingernails need to be clipped. Now where did I leave my fingernail clippers.”

Sure, there is the theory that maybe they actually clipped them into a tissue, and then when fishing said tissue out of their pocket that the fingernail clippings inadvertently fell to the floor, but now I’m getting the queasies just thinking about the used tissue in their pocket.

And so, in the spirit of Easter mass, I plight: Would you ever clip your fingernails in church?

That’s it for this plight! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Did you waste any time at work following March Madness?

By now, by my unscientific method, 90% of you who filled our March Madness brackets are already out of the office pool, and in fact were probably out of the running before the Thursday evening games even started. Me, as I’m typing this before the tournament starts, still have hope right now, but will probably post a comment later announcing my super picks are still in the running.

Whether or not you are still in the running, and especially if not because you have some slim hope you will be able to make a comeback, I’m also using a totally unscientific guess thinking that part of your paying attention to March Madness happened in the workplace. There might have been a quick online search to see who won that afternoon game, maybe you had score alerts sent to your smartphone, or you are hardcore and had a window on the computer with the games running, easily hidden for if the boss walked by, or had an app tracking each shot. I will not lie, I will, undoubtedly have checked on things while I should have been working, but I plight: Did you waste any time at work following March Madness?

That’s it for this plight! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Will you be filling out March Madness brackets?

It’s March Madness, Baby! Yup, it’s that time of year when millions of men and a lot of women will look at this big bracket of college teams, some they have never heard of, and believe that they have a system for picking the team that will eventually become the National Champion, the best college basketball team in the nation, or at least the team that was somehow able to beat Gonzaga. Others, myself included, will search out the online contests where if you can somehow pick all of the winners of the tournament you will win $1,000,000, believe you have the brackets that will accomplish this task, and then, undoubtedly, but about two hours after the tournaments begin, be out of the running and have your bracket already busted.

Countless numbers of others will join office pools, that bastion of illegal gambling that rears its head for March Madness and the Super Bowl, and waste millions of hours of work staring at their computer screen, waiting for scores to upload, in the hopes of winning about a hundred bucks but more importantly, have office bragging rights because you picked the winning team based on the color of their uniforms and not because you have the ultimate faith in Coach K.

It will be fun, by sometimes Thursday I’m pretty sure I’ll be out of the running, but I plight: Will you be filling out March Madness brackets?

That’s it for this plight! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!