Tag: Cameron Diaz

Any Given Sunday

MPAA Rated – R
It’s 2:42 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

Any Given Sundy
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Al Pacino, Jamie Foxx, Cameron Diaz, Dennis Quaid
MPAA Rated: R
Released By: Warner Bros.
Kiddie Movie: Nope. Very adult story line.
Date Movie: You make her watch football every Sunday, do you think you should force her to watch any more?
Gratuitous Sex: Some.
Gratuitous Violence: It’s about football – there’s some violence.
Action: It’s about football – there’s some action.
Laughs: A chuckle here and there.
Memorable Scene: Nothing sticks out.
Memorable Quote: Nothing sticks out.
Directed By: Oliver Stone

This may sound petty, but the main problem I had with “Any Given Sunday” was the fact that the football action sequences sucked. The story was alright, Jamie Foxx did a great job as the coming-of-age quarterback, and when does Al Pacino ever give a bad performance? But even though Oliver Stone is Oliver Stone, and maybe it wasn’t his intention to have cool football sequences, going to a football movie I want to see some good football. “Any Given Sunday” didn’t have good football.

The story kinda goes like this: Al Pacino plays a weathered coach, Tony D’Amato, brought up when football was history, for players, owners, and fans. The owner died and left the team in the hands of his daughter, played by Cameron Diaz, who believes the coach’s thinking is old and is hurting the team.

When coach loses his star quarterback, Cap (Dennis Quaid) to an injury and the youngin, Willie Beaman (Foxx) takes charge, you can feel the changing of the guard from old-time football to new-time football, and it’s too bad. But there is hope because Willie quickly learns that as much as football is about him, there is no “I” in “team” and without his team his life is shit. And who helps him open his eyes, you guessed it, Tony.

The story is kind of simple and shows how dirty and profit-driven sports has become, how it isn’t about the players at times (the painkillers and bad medical advice) but at times is still about the players (the painkillers and bad medical advice – kind of along the “what else am I going to do with my life, coach?” mentality). And it’s a good story, although kind of long, and that helps carry the movie, because, like I said, the action sequences went for an artsy feel instead of making you feel the hard-hitting sport that is football.

So this review is short. “Any Given Sunday” had a lot of potential, and a lot of that potential rested in the hands of Pacino, Foxx, and Stone. As a story and as an acting lot the movie was good. But it is a football movie, and with that comes one expectation – great football scenes. I wanted to feel the action. I wanted to cringe when players got hit. I wanted it to be better than “Inside Football” on HBO. I didn’t want a long, drawn-out, artsy shot of a football spiral coming at me. I got the spiral. That disappointed me and with that disappointment comes a 3 ½ stars out of 5.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Being John Malkovich

MPAA Rated – R
It’s 1:52 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

Being John Malkovich
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: John Cusack, Cameron Diaz, Catherine Keener, John Malkovich, Charlie Sheen
MPAA Rated: R
Released By: USA Films
Kiddie Movie: Let’s see? Sex. Nudity. Bad language. A fucked up story line. I don’t think so.
Date Movie: She might chuckle or hate you.
Gratuitous Sex: Some, and some nipple shots of Catherine.
Gratuitous Violence: Craig locks Lotte in a monkey cage.
Action: Not really.
Laughs: Lots.
Memorable Scene: John Malkovich entering John Malkovich.
Memorable Quote: Too many to quote.
Directed By: Spike Jonze

I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall listening in at this pitch meeting. “Well, the basic story of the movie goes like this. There’s this loser puppeteer. He can’t find a job as a puppeteer, is slightly perverted, and his wife is a little goofy and loves animals, especially taking care of a monkey who has ulcers and is in therapy, the monkey that is. Well, one day this puppeteer finds a job on the 7 ½ floor of an office building. The room is about 5 feet high so everybody has to crouch over. While there he finds the woman of his dreams but she has no interest in him. Then, one day he finds this door, crawls through, finds himself in John Malkovich’s head, and then after about 15 minutes he gets spit out on a ramp near the Jersey turnpike.” “Did you say ‘John Malkovich?'” “Yea, well, his nutty wife goes through the portal, thinks she’d like to be a man, falls in love with the hot chick his husband wants, and guess what, the hot chick falls in love with her, but only if she’s in John. But then the puppeteer realizes he can stay in John Malkovich and the hot chick doesn’t seem to care, sort of.” “That’s it?” “Well, you’ve also got a horny old boss who has this mysterious connection to John Malkovich.” “And we have to have John Malkovich?” “Well, yea, otherwise the title ‘Being John Malkovich’ will be pretty silly now, wouldn’t it?”

So, did you catch that? I can see you reading the basic gist of the movie above and going “Wow, that sounds pretty fucked up. I don’t know if I want to see that.” Well, “Being John Malkovich” is pretty fucked up, but totally enjoyable in a fucked up sort of way.

The movie has lots of laughs, mostly for the unbelievability of it all. First of all there is the 7 ½ floor, which you enter by hitting the stop button in the elevator as the light goes between 7 and 8 and prying open the doors with a crowbar. You can’t help but laugh as totally normal people walk around, hunched over, and find this normal. John Cusack as the wacky puppeteer, Craig, is great. Cameron Diaz does probably the only role I’ve ever seen her where I didn’t find her totally hot (just partially hot) as Lotte, Craig’s wife. Maxine (Catherine Keener) plays the “able to use any man” role just about perfect. And John Malkovich plays himself, which sounds bizarre enough, especially when John Malkovich isn’t really John Malkovich but is John Malkovich possessed by Craig. I know, it sounds twisted, but somehow it all comes together.

I guess going into any more of this movie won’t help because it probably won’t make any more sense than what I wrote above. Let’s just say that the humor isn’t the gut-busting kind, but there are lots of laughs and chuckles, mostly at the expense of John Malkovich and one at the expense of what Charlie Sheen will look like when male pattern baldness sets in.

I think you will come out of “Being John Malkovich” in one of two ways, either really liking the movie and saying it was twisted or really hating the movie and saying it was twisted. I’m on the liking side and give it 4 stars out of 5.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle

MPAA Rated – PG-13
It’s 1:45 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Cameron Diaz, Drew Barrymore, Lucy Liu, Bernie Mac, Demi Moore
MPAA Rated: PG-13
Released By: Columbia Pictures
Release Date: 2003
Kiddie Movie: Lots of fighting.
Date Movie: Only if you hate your mate.
Gratuitous Sex: Lots of skimpy outfits.
Gratuitous Violence: Lots of shooting and fighting.
Action: Lots of chasing and jumping.
Laughs: A line or two.
Memorable Scene: The Angels do a great impression of M.C. Hammer.
Memorable Quote: Bosley: “It’s rainin’ white women!”
Directed By: McG

One of the good things about writing for this web site is that there really aren’t any guideline as to how long a review should be. Thank goodness, because for “Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle” there isn’t much to write about, pretty much because there really isn’t a story.

You get the three angels back, Natalie (Cameron Diaz), Dylan (Drew Barrymore), and Alex (Lucy Liu), and this time you get Bernie Mac playing Jimmy Bosley, the brother of John from the first movie. The story basically goes that there are these two rings that contain all of the information as to the whereabouts of those in the witness protection program. Oh, how much would they be worth to mob leaders who’ve been ratted out! It’s up to the Angels to get them back, especially since it turns out Dylan is on that list, and that her real name is Helen Zass (insert any available ass joke here). To do so our trio will do whatever possible in as little clothing as possible while wiggling their butts as much as possible. And, oh yea, Demi Moore plays Madison Lee. She used to be an Angel but now is on the wrong side of the law, and also seems to be the only person who can shoot a gun straight. Intertwined with this we are also introduced to Alex’s dad, Mr. Munday (John Cleese) who thought his daughter was a nurse, but now, thanks to Jason Gibbons (the triumphant return of Matt LeBlanc), he is under the impression that his daughter is a prostitute. And, oh yea, Thin Man (Crispin Glover) is back and creepy as ever.

That’s enough of the story because pretty much for an hour and three quarters you can ignore the plot and just wait for the next scene where either a) the Angels dance to an 80’s song, b) the Angels must have entered “The Matrix” because they seem to be able to dodge bullets, c) the Angels kick the asses of a bunch of dudes with guns, yet they have none, or d) you get a lot of bad jokes and one-liners. Demi Moore looks great, but a little scary at times, and Bernie Mac is pretty much wasted in this movie, which is too bad because he can usually add a breath of fresh air to a dull movie. The trio dances around in cute little outfits and perform death-defying stunts regularly, including but not limited to landing on and starting a helicopter in mid-air, jumping motorcross bikes better than the pros, using a luge thingy to tap the cell phone of a bad guy while he’s driving, and being tossed from a speeding car, through some windows and down some stairs, and still able to jump around at will.

If you thought the first movie was stupid, this kicks it up a notch on the stupid scale. It tries to generate a message of empowered women, the importance of friendship, and that guns are bad, but for me it was just an hour and forty five minutes of “Yea, I know it’s a movie, let it go.”

You know exactly what to expect for this movie if you saw the first one, just don’t expect to have a plot that at least made a little sense. This movie doesn’t pretend to say “I’m a film masterpiece,” so I guess the good thing is that there is no deceiving the public into seeing the film. You’ll see it if you want to, and for being a brainless movie it leads the pack with 4 out of 5 stars. But as a movie it shows you don’t need a story to make a movie, just some hot actresses and a big enough budget to do all kinds of special effects, and for that it’s 1 star out of 5. I’ll average them together for 2 ½ stars out of 5.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Charlie’s Angels

MPAA Rated – PG-13
It’s 1:38 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right sort of.

Charlie’s Angels
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Cameron Diaz, Drew Barrymore, Lucy Liu, Bill Murray
MPAA Rated: PG-13
Released By: Columbia Pictures
Release Date: 2000
Kiddie Movie: A waste of time.
Date Movie: A waste of time.
Gratuitous Sex: A waste of time.
Gratuitous Violence: A waste of time.
Action: A waste of time.
Laughs: A waste of time.
Memorable Scene: A waste of time.
Memorable Quote: A waste of time.
Directed By: McG

I won’t waste much of your time and I’m taking The Dude on the Left’s advice and not wasting much of my time, because, well, he found “Charlie’s Angels” a complete waste of time.

Here’s what he told me. The Angles don’t have guns, they can dodge bullets, the story is stupid, and poor Bill Murray, how the mighty have fallen. He said “Charlie’s Angels” was kinda like “The Matrix” but without the cool storyline and that, well, it was a cheesy as you’d expect but not really in a funny way. The thing he found most entertaining was a comment during the movie when a guy on the plane complained about the in-flight movie, a remake of “T.J. Hooker”, and how he wished they would stop making movies of bad ‘80s TV shows.

The Dude on the Left said he’d give the movie 1 star out of 5. I may still waste my time and go see it some day, and you might waste your time too, but don’t say you weren’t warned. And that’s enough wasting of your time and my time writing this review.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right reporting for The Dude on the Left!! L8R!!!