Tag: movie reviews

Dr. Dolittle 2

MPAA Rated – PG
It’s 1:28 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

Dr. Dolittle 2
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Eddie Murphy, Krisen Wilson, Kevin Pollak, Lisa Kudrow, Norm Macdonald, Steve Zahn
MPAA Rated: PG
Released By: 20th Century Fox
Release Date: 2001
Kiddie Movie: Some of the humor is toilet humor so figure on that.
Date Movie: It’s harmless – bring her along.
Gratuitous Sex: Nah.
Gratuitous Violence: Nah.
Action: Nah.
Laughs: Some good laughs here and there.
Memorable Scene: Archie taking a dump in the bathroom and the scene with the crocodile and “The Crocodile Hunter.”
Memorable Quote: Nah.
Directed By: Steve Carr

You know how sometimes you can get too much of a good thing? Well, I enjoy toilet style humor as much as the next person, think farts are funny, and can find burps humorous, but lately it seems every movie has added those elements and sadly I’m not finding flatulence as funny any more. The latest movie to think it needs toilet humor is “Dr. Dolittle 2.”

“Dr. Dolittle 2” brings Eddie Murphy back as the good doctor. Now that his secret of talking to the animals is out, well, his practice is thriving, although the family unit could be doing better. But there’s a problem – namely the mean, nasty logging company is crouching in on the mob boss’ territory, and by mob boss I’m talking about a beaver who controls the animals in the woods. In a sit-down with our doctor, well, Mr. Beaver convinces Dr. Dolittle that he has to save their land, and with the help of his wife, Lisa (Kristen Wilson), well, it seems the only hope is to get the endangered female bear, Eva (voiced by Lisa Kudrow) to make baby bears. Unfortunately the only male bear left, Archie (voiced by Steve Zahn) has been trained as a circus bear and Eva wants nothing to do with the wimp. So it’s up to Doctor D to turn Archie back into a manly bear while the nasty logging company has a plan of their own to get Archie back into captivity. And, oh yea, Doctor D has to deal with his growing daughter, Charisse (Raven-Symone) who brings along her boyfriend, Eric (Lil’ Zane), for their vacation/Archie training trip to the woods.

Well I’m not going to give away the ending although I’m sure you can figure it out, but I’ll just add a few things. First, like the first Dr. Dolittle, well, the jokes are what you might expect from talking animals. You get Norm Macdonald back voicing the family dog, you get bathroom humor from Archie, you get a chameleon who can’t change colors, you get the drunken monkey, and you get the animals as, hmm, I guess they’d be called “made” animals in their little mafia world. You also get a scary vision of the world if animals could talk to each other when they all go on strike. But, in the end, you get a cute movie that gets a little preachy about the whole logging thing, but you’ll chuckle here and there and the kids will probably find Archie lovable.

You know what you are asking for by going to see “Dr. Dolittle 2” and you get just that, but I just wish movies could get a little more inventive instead of just relying on farts and doody to make me laugh. It’s gonna be 3 stars out of 5 for “Dr. Dolittle 2.”

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Dogma

MPAA Rated – R
It’s 2:08 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

Dogma
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Ben Affleck, Matt Damon, Linda Fiorentino, Salma Hayek, Jason Mewes, Kevin Smith, Chris Rock
MPAA Rated: R
Released By: Columbia/Tristar Home Video
Release Date: 1999
Kiddie Movie: Nope, lots of swearing.
Date Movie: She might find it funny or maybe just find it disturbing.
Gratuitous Sex: Nah.
Gratuitous Violence: They don’t show it, but it’s hinted at.
Action: Not really.
Laughs: Lots.
Memorable Scene: Rufus falling out of the sky and Silent Bob’s facial expressions.
Memorable Quote: Two quotes by Jay: “Snootch to the motherfuckin’ nootch!” & “Beautiful, naked, big-tittied women just don’t fall out of the sky you know.”
Directed By: Kevin Smith

I don’t know why but “Dogma” is quickly becoming one of my favorite videos to watch or movies to watch for on cable. Maybe it’s the way they question religious beliefs, maybe it’s the subtle jokes, or maybe it’s because they bust on the platypus. In any case, as long as you can keep an open mind about religion, well, “Dogma” might just be a movie for you.

Opening with a disclaimer that the movie is fictitious and should be taken as a comedy, Silent Bob (Kevin Smith) and Jay (Jason Mewes), joined by the 13th apostle, Rufus (Chris Rock) help Bethany (Linda Fiorentino) make her way to New Jersey to stop two banished angels, Loki and Bartleby (Matt Damen and Ben Affleck) from entering a church and negating all of existence. How can entering a church end existence? Well, it seems the Pope has decreed, in conjunction with the New Jersey church’s anniversary, that all who pass through the church doors get their sins forgiven. Loki and Bartleby, who have been banished by God from Heaven for eternity, could find their way back into heaven if they walk through the church doors. This would make God fallible and thus end existence as we know it. Alright, my explanation isn’t the greatest, but Bartleby does a better job explaining it to Loki, and they begin their journey to the Garden State.

So it’s a race against time to stop Bartleby and Loki, and Bethany and her entourage aren’t without their difficulties getting to Jersey. There’s a run-in with a shit demon, Jay constantly trying to get in Bethany’s pants, Bethany questioning why she is chosen to stop the angels, and Azrael and his goons trying to stop Bethany because he wants existence to end.

Like I said before, “Dogma” is at its best on many levels, from Loki’s conversation with a nun resulting in her wondering what she is doing with her life, to the Rufus’ dilemma of not being in the bible because, well, he is a black man, to Alanis Morrissette playing God, and portraying God as kinda, well, a ditz. This movie isn’t to be taken seriously, but it may make you wonder if Mary did have sex with Joseph after Jesus was born because, as Rufus explains, “Do you really think he would have stayed married to her for all those years if he wasn’t getting laid?”

I didn’t see “Dogma” in the theater so I can’t say which place might be a better venue to see it, but it is nice to be able to pause and rewind to go back and catch a joke or two you might have missed in the theater. That and the fact that the DVD subtitles helped me figure out one of my favorite lines, only because it still doesn’t make sense to me, “Snootch to the motherfuckin’ nootch!” I give Dogma 4½ stars out of 5.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Deep Impact

MPAA Rated – PG-13
It’s 1:55 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

Deep Impact
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Tea Leoni, Robert Duvall, Elijah Wood, Morgan Freeman
MPAA Rated: PG-13
Released By: Paramount Pictures & DreamWorks Pictures
Release Date: 1998
Kiddie Movie: Some drama stuff might bore them, and millions of people get killed, although not graphically.
Date Movie: She might get weepy and hold your hand.
Gratuitous Sex: Nope.
Gratuitous Violence: Not really.
Action: Some, when the astronauts are on the asteroid.
Laughs: For me, at the stupid people still living on the east coast.
Memorable Scene: It was pretty cool seeing New York City getting wiped out.
Memorable Quote: Jenny (Tea) is having a drink with her dad and new step-mom, after figuring out Earth is on its way out, and the step-mom says “Life goes on.” Jenny replies, “Life goes on… We’ll see.”
Directed By: Mimi Leder

How’s this for a fancy reviewer line for “Deep Impact”: “Deep Impact” is one of the most predictable, emotional, roller-coaster rides I have seen on the big screen since “Titanic.” Alright, maybe it isn’t the greatest line, but “Deep Impact” was predictable, hell, it was about Earth being hit by an asteroid (and we know that happens from the trailers), and it was emotional (I did find myself anxious for the astronauts trying to blow the big space rock up, and welling up a little as people were saying goodbye). But I guess comparing it too “Titanic” is a little much – as predictable and somewhat emotional, it wasn’t that good, mostly maybe, for me, because of the stupidity of everyone one Earth who died (except the, well, people who had to).

Well, you know what the movie is about – a big asteroid is heading for Earth – what are we to do? In the case of this group of Earthlings, we don’t seem to do much. In any case, let’s start at the beginning. Tea Leoni stars as Jenny Lerner, an up-and-coming newsperson who is trying to make her way up the newsperson ladder. She stumbles on a seeming sex-scandal story in Washington D.C. (oh, like this is topical anymore?). In any case, she’s ready to blow the story open, but in a secret meeting with President Beck (Morgan Freeman), he convinces her to hold off for a couple of days. Get this – she does. Well, the story comes out that it isn’t a sex scandal, but an asteroid is heading for Earth.

Alright, I can buy it so far, and at this point there’s about a year left before the asteroid hits, and the government has a plan – send a spaceship with some astronauts to land on the asteroid and blow it up before it hits. Sounds good to me, and it’s ten months till our astronauts make it there, but our newsgirl Jenny asks something like “What if that doesn’t work.” “Don’t worry,” says the Prez, “It will.” Guess what, it doesn’t.

Alright, plan number two, lets shove a bunch of people in a cave for a couple of years. So, with that, we have the impending end of life as we know it, and our story has turned from an adventure film of blowing up an asteroid, to people planning their end. You get your typical “I’m not leaving you, I’d rather die with you than live without you” scenes, you’ve got some scenes of looting and stuff, and you’ve got people being airlifted to the big cave. Then we get some heroes, a big tidal wave, cities being wiped out, and people surviving. In the end, a nice film, but what was wrong?

I’ll pose what was wrong by asking a few questions. One, you’ve got about a year until a big asteroid is going to wipe out most of life on Earth for about two years – what do you do? We sort of used to ask this question back in college, but instead of a year, you had about 20 minutes because Russia was launching some nukes. Our solutions back then – drink heavily, head for the roof, and catch one mean old suntan, or head to the girls residence hall and say “Hey baby, the world is going to end in 20 minutes. How about you and I end it with a bang!” Some guys actually tried the latter, without the imminent threat of nuclear war, and usually ended up being slapped. But, what if you had a year? Would you trust your survival on the hopes the government could get something right on the first try? I doubt it. Me, I’d be digging a cave of my own, and stocking up on the essentials, things like beer, “Twinkies,” matches, and toilet paper.

Alright, I’ve got a head start on everyone else on my asteroid shelter, but problem number two – why was anyone still living on a coast, other than some ambitious surfer dudes and dudettes, when there were two months from the time of knowing the astronauts screwed up, and the time the asteroid would hit the earth. Hmm, Earth is a whole bunch more water than land, and if the asteroid hits that water it will create one gnarly wave most likely to reach into, like Ohio on the east coast, and maybe like Utah on the west – I’m staying in New York City and hoping the asteroid hits the Pacific. Come on, move your butt to someplace nice and cozy, someplace like the midwest. As sad as it sort of was, all those people being washed away to sea on the east coast, I say too bad – you should have moved.

“Alright, Dude, that can’t be everything bad with the movie, you said it wasn’t that good.” True, there were a bunch more flaws in human nature in “Deep Impact,” but I guess the end problem in the movie, short of a few good performances, and a couple of cool scenes, was that the movie lacked the consistency in both from beginning to end. Don’t get me wrong, the movie is pretty entertaining, but in these days of standards being pushed to another level, pretty entertaining becomes just another movie, even if millions of people died (I will say it again – they were stupid).

So, I did like “Deep Impact,” even with the stupid people, but in the end there were too many scenes of not great acting, too many scenes of total predictability, and too many scenes, well, maybe too many intertwined story lines – you had the astronauts, the newsgirl, the kid who found the comet and his chick, families in turmoil, and oh yea, a big ol’ asteroid. It was just too much.

I’ll give “Deep Impact” 3 out of 5 stars. It was good, not great, and it might even bring a tear to your eye.

That’s it for this one, I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!

The Day the Earth Stood Still

MPAA Rated – PG-13
It’s 1:43 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

The Day the Earth Stood Still
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Keanu Reeves, Jennifer Connelly, Jaden Smith, John Cleese, Kathy Bates
MPAA Rated: PG-13
Released By: 20th Century Fox
Release Date: 2008
Kiddie Movie: Only if you want them to be afraid of aliens. You know what, maybe they should go?
Date Movie: She will probably be bored and wonder why you took her to see this non-Christmas movie at Christmas-time.
Gratuitous Sex: Jennifer Connelly getting naked would have definitely helped.
Gratuitous Violence: The alien(s) are here to destroy us, so, yes, but not really in a “blaster” kind of way.
Action: There is some running away from the government forces who can’t seem to locate a hybrid car in the middle of nowhere.
Laughs: All of the product placement.
Memorable Scene: I liked Gort.
Memorable Quote: I really hoped for some nudity/sex with “Change his mind, not with reason, but with yourself.” Ba-chicky-ba-baaa! Sadly, none.
Directed By: Scott Derrickson

What did I learn from the movie “The Day the Earth Stood Still?” Was it that we should learn to love each other? No. Was it that we should respect the planet we’ve got? No. Was it that I really miss Keanu Reeves as Ted Theodore Logan? Well, okay, I do miss Keanu as Ted. But, simply put, I learned that if aliens show up, well, we’re screwed. Actually, it doesn’t even need to be a lot of aliens, just one alien named Klaatu with his giant metallic friend, Gort, and guess what, the human race is toast. We will be no match for the alien to heal himself after being haphazardly shot; Our Air Force, Marines, Navy, and Boy Scouts will be no match for the giant “Cylon” bad-ass (for those of you who aren’t into “Battlestar Galactica,” the Cylon reference is simply that Gort is metallic, with one red “eye”), who is able to zap and disable every weapon we’ve got; and all we can hope is that Klaatu is a sucker for a mom being a step-mom and a kid being a step-kid and the two of them finally realizing they need each other. And, oh yea, a Professor acting like John Cleese.

In other words, pretty much we’re screwed. And, oh yea, there’s nothing like blatant product placement to screw up a movie.

Now as far as the movie “The Day the Earth Stood Still,” I will go on record saying that I have not seen the 1951 original where it was the cold war bringing the aliens to destroy us, but for this 2008 remake, oh, to be topical, let’s make it about how we humans are destroying Earth with all of our anti-environmental ways (only one of a few planets capable of sustaining life in the universe, and therefore a valuable treasure in the alien world). It seems that in the 1920’s the aliens sent a spy to Earth to see how we were doing, but when Klaatu (Keanu Reeves) comes to visit in 2008, complete with his destructive friend, Gort, Klaatu meets his spy, Mr. Wu (James Hong), and Mr. Wu pretty much says we suck and deserve to die. Meanwhile, Klaatu has been befriended by Helen (Jennifer Connelly), who somehow is able to keep him safe from the government people hell-bent on destroying him, and Helen is having her own problems, trying to get her step-son, Jacob (Jaden Smith), to treat her like a mom.

You know, I could go into the entire “Giant orb crashes to Earth, we shoot the alien who seems to just want to save us at first, we try to torture the alien, nice girl helps alien get away, government hunts down alien, Gort monster shoots down a lot of things, Gort gets captured, Gort has a thing for diamond drill bits, Earth’s destruction has begun, alien realizes thanks to Helen, Jacob, and Professor Barnhardt (John Cleese), that maybe we can change, and yay, the Earth stands still for a bit, we are saved, but there is a huge mess of metallic bugs to now be cleaned up” synopsis, but really, why go into it a lot more because as much as there sort of seemed to be potential for this to be a decent movie with a feel-good message, I didn’t really like Keanu Reeves’ “I know your language but can only speak in brief sentences and will let three people decide the fate of the human race” performance, Jacob was good in his role as the step-kid who doesn’t respect his step-mom until a sentimental scene pulls them together, which would really fit in a different movie, and the only role I did like, complete with a great explanation of why the aliens should let us live, was delivered by John Cleese, explaining to Klaatu how we, as a society, change.

That, and oh yea, I should have kept track, but in terms of blatant product placement, “The Day the Earth Stood Still” was utterly disgraceful, from the “We use Windows to make cool documents fly around this touch-screen computer monitor/table,” to the visiting of McDonalds for the alien sit-down with their new McCafe servings, to even the wearing of a Citizen watch, well, this movie didn’t need any of it, and it really made me cringe every time I saw it.

There might be some who see the movie as a little bit of an escape, or maybe might like how the destruction of Earth is carried out, or the “Noah’s Ark” aspect of the aliens (they aren’t all bad), or dig the message of how we need to save the environment, but for me I was bored, sick of people telling me what kind of hybrid car to drive, and if Gort was such a bad-ass, how in the hell was the government able to capture him, let alone transport him to an underground bunker that isn’t really that secure? It’s 1 ½ stars out of 5 for “The Day the Earth Stood Still” from me. I might have to throw the original on my Netflix queue just to compare them, but I’m guessing it will be way-better, even in black and white, and I generally hate black and white movies.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

The Darwin Awards

MPAA Rated – R
It’s 1:34 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

The Darwin Awards
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: David Arquette, Joseph Fiennes, Winona Ryder, Juliette Lewis
MPAA Rated: R
Released By: Fox Home Entertainment
Release Date: 2006
Kiddie Movie: Nah, being young they might get the wrong idea of The Darwin Awards and think they should win one.
Date Movie: It’s a nice movie to cuddle on the couch and screen-talk about how stupid people can be.
Gratuitous Sex: There’s some sex and some nudity. Nice.
Gratuitous Violence: Just seeing how people are stupid.
Action: Nope.
Laughs: There’s some laughs and chuckles.
Memorable Scene: The “being safe in the shower” scene.
Memorable Quote: Nah.
Directed By: Finn Taylor

DVD REVIEW – Add Cool Things
Someone mentioned to me that they saw the DVD “The Darwin Awards” in the rental store and wondered if I saw it. I told them I hadn’t, but then saw it on my own and decided, “What the hell, let’s see if this movie sucks.” It didn’t suck, but I can also see why it never made it to the big screen, but maybe the film folks should have at least given it a chance. Here’s the story…

Most of you know the story of The Darwin Awards. These are awards given every year to people who die in ways that are pretty stupid when you think about it, or find themselves unable to reproduce. It’s also a reference to “survival of the fittest” signifying that maybe humanity will thrive just a little bit more by losing these morons early. Anyway, in the movie “The Darwin Awards” we get Joseph Fiennes as Michael Burrows. He’s a police investigator in San Francisco being taped for a documentary. He’s also hemophobic (he faints at the site of blood). And he’s also obsessed with those who die or get injured in a “Darwin Award” manner. He’s hot on the trail of a serial killer but sadly the sight of blood causes him to faint and the bad guy gets away. Disgraced and booted from the force, Michael thinks he might find his next calling, working for an insurance company in determining high risk cases for them, or claims to deny based on the fact that the facts aren’t always what they seem, and now he is paired with Siri (Winona Ryder), traveling the highways and byways of the country debunking some insurance claims that on the surface seem open and shut.

So Michael and Siri find a dude crushed by a vending machine, a dude claiming someone stole his car, a missing dude (and car) who just wanted to go fast and be on TV, and all the while Michael is still obsessed with finding the serial killer he let get away. And, oh yea, he falls for Siri (but who wouldn’t?).

I really wanted to like this movie, and as a DVD rental it’s good enough for a rental, but the problem is that since we know what The Darwin Awards are, every time Michael and Siri get to a new town to investigate an insurance loss, well, the ending of the loss is really no surprise. It’s pretty obvious why the dude reported his truck stolen, most people will be able to figure out the demise of the stoner dude at the Metallica concert before it happens, the vending machine death is a “Duh!”, but the one adventure involving Harvey (David Arquette), who couldn’t seem to go fast enough for his wife Joleen (Juliette Lewis), where you might actually be sitting there watching the movie wondering what this bonehead did to kill himself, is ruined because the filmmakers gave it away at the opening of the movie. So much for any mystery during this movie.

In the midst of the deaths is the budding relationship between Michael and Siri, and the interruptions and non-interruptions of the documentary filmmaker constantly stating he can’t get involved. The love story is cute enough, but it is the quirkiness of Michael trying to not be a Darwin story that makes things funny during this movie.

I love Wynona Ryder, and would stalk her if she wanted me to, and she is just absolutely adorable in this movie. Joseph Fiennes was great as the quirky detective now obsessed with Darwin Award scenarios. But the underlying problem with the movie was that there weren’t any surprises.

In the end it’s 3 stars out of 5 for “The Darwin Awards.” There are a couple of funny moments in the movie intertwined with the deaths and shootings, but just please, remember, if you are going to use your gun to pull your buddy from the icy pond, make sure you unload the gun first.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Daredevil

MPAA Rated – PG-13
It’s 1:43 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

Daredevil
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Ben Affleck, Jennifer Garner, Colin Farrell, Michael Clarke Duncan, Joe Pantoliano
MPAA Rated: PG-13
Released By: 20th Century Fox
Release Date: 2003
Kiddie Movie: Not too young.
Date Movie: Only if she has the hots for Ben.
Gratuitous Sex: There is a scene, but we still don’t get to see Jennifer Garner’s boobies.
Gratuitous Violence: People die in bad ways.
Action: People get chased in bad ways.
Laughs: Mostly lines from Bullseye.
Memorable Scene: Nothings stands out.
Memorable Quote: Bullseye: “I never miss.”
Directed By: Mark Steven Johnson

Growing up I was a fan of comic book heroes, but only if they were TV stars. I wasn’t a reader, I was a watcher, and although he might have had a cartoon on TV, I don’t remember Daredevil. Pretty much if you weren’t a part of the Justice League of America, I don’t remember you. And so it is for me with the Daredevil character. I really didn’t know anything about him other than listening to Howard Stern talk about him, so going into the movie all I really knew was that Daredevil was a blind dude whose other senses became enhanced to make him capable of being a superhero. The baseline for the story sounded fine, kinda like a Batman only blind, but when it was announced that Ben Affleck was picked to play Daredevil I began to get skeptical. I saw Ben Affleck as able to play the blind lawyer part well, but there is just something about him that didn’t seem to fit the part of the dark-sided superhero, and for me, I was pretty much right, that and the fact that the movie as a whole was pretty much crap.

Here’s the basic run-down of the movie. We get introduced to Daredevil, collapsing in a church, seemingly injured to the point of no return, or at least a long recovery back. It’s now flashback time and we get introduced into the psychological making of Daredevil, and as usual it has to do with a childhood tragedy – in this case young Matt Murdock finds his father murdered after just winning his boxing match, a victim of the bad guys who wanted Dad Murdock to take a dive. And so young Matt vows to fight crime and has a problem loving women.

Let’s come to the present day, and as Matt goes about representing the less fortunate victims in court by day, by night he plays justice seeker for those who, well, pretty much can hire lawyers better than he is. Meanwhile he is finding a deep underworld, controlled by Kingpin (Michael Clarke Duncan), and sets it upon himself to take out the bad guys. As the story goes he finds a girl, in this case Elektra (Jennifer Garner), who kicks as much ass as he can, and Matt is now in love. As his luck would have it, Elektra’s dad gets set up, a hit put on him by Kingpin, a hit to be carried out by Bullseye (Colin Faffell), and when Daredevil tries to save the day, Bullseye carries out the dirty deed in such a way that Elektra thinks Daredevil killed her dad. Alright, enough of the crap about the story, it’s pretty much cookie-cutter, you can figure out most everything that is going to happen, and mostly every episode of the story gets dragged out so you just wait for the next scene to come. It is this, and the fact that I didn’t really buy Affleck in the superhero mode, that made me anxiously await the ending I figured was going to take place. And, oh yea, for most of the movie Daredevil had this entire ritual to heal himself, in a human sort of way, but at the end, without any explanation, he miraculously overcomes a through-the-shoulder, life-threatening puncture wound as if it never occurred.

There was a reason the first two installments of “Batman” worked, and that was pretty much Michael Keaton. Christopher Reeve was a great Superman, and lately it was Toby McGuire playing a near-perfect Spider-Man. Why did these movies work? Because the lead character was someone who fit both roles. You could believe Keaton as an eccentric millionaire and a slightly devilish Batman; Reeve was great as the clumsy Clark Kent, but not so over-the-top Superman; and McGuire had the perfect boy-ish charm for Spider-Man. Sadly Affleck failed on the superhero side, the side that is probably more important if we want to believe the everyday person can be a superhero. As far as the rest of the crew, Michael Clarke Duncan could have been a better bad guy if they only would have let him; Garner is hot, kicks some major ass, but gets trapped in a predictable role looking to avenge her father’s death; and the only saving graces are Joe Pantoliano as the inquisitive reporter, Ben Urich, looking to figure our the Daredevil story, and saving every scene he was in, Farrell was great as Bullseye, making him a totally over-the-top bad guy, much the way a comic book bad guy should be.

I’m not sure who would have been a better fit for Daredevil, and even if there were someone, I don’t know if they could have saved the movie anyway. Like Batman, Daredevil seems to be more of a dark character and that’s fine, but Daredevil seems to be too confused with whether what he is doing is right or wrong (hence the scenes of him seeking advice from a priest) rather than just realizing that there are bad guys in this world and he has been given a gift to save the people from those bad guys.

In the world of superhero movies I thought Daredevil failed. It wasn’t that you look for something new because you know the underlying story, that the superhero can’t really love someone, that they will get the bad guy, and that there will always be an opening for a sequel, but you just want it to be action-filled, you want a great villain (Bullseye was great in this one but Duncan wasn’t given the chance), and you want to leave rooting for the good guys. In Daredevil I was almost sad when Bullseye fell out of the window, he was the only thing fun about the movie adventure. Sadly it’s 1 ½ stars out of 5 for “Daredevil.” Wait for the rental, wait for cable, or maybe a matinee. It didn’t come across as a movie that you really needed to see on the big screen.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Dante’s Peak

MPAA Rated – PG-13
It’s 1:52 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

Dante’s Peak
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Pierce Brosnan, Linda Hamilton, Charles Hallahan
MPAA Rated: PG-13
Released By: Universal Pictures
Release Date: 1997
Kiddie Movie: Tough call. There’s people dying so if your kid has a problem with that, or gets scared by flying rocks, leave them at home.
Date Movie: She might hold your hand during some of the suspenseful scenes.
Gratuitous Sex: Linda keeps her clothes on.
Gratuitous Violence: People dying and getting hit on the heads by rocks.
Action: Plenty once the volcano blows its top.
Laughs: Mostly at how stupid the people are.
Memorable Scene: The effects are cool when the volcano decides to vent its anger.
Memorable Quote: None.
Directed By: Roger Donaldson

It’s somewhere about an hour into “Dante’s Peak” and I found myself laughing. Should I have been laughing while watching a movie about a volcano that blows its top all over a gorgeous little town? I guess it wasn’t real laughter, but the kind of “I can’t believe these people are so stupid” laughter. You see, it was around this point that the second in command geologist dude, Harry, played by Pierce Brosnan, convinces his boss that the volcano is going to erupt because the tap water is brown. When is it going to blow? At any minute. What do you do when a volcano towering above you is going to blow at any minute? Well, if you’re this little town you hold an emergency town meeting in the high school gymnasium the next day at 6 PM to discuss the evacuation plan. Let’s see if you can guess what happens the next day when the “town” is in this gym? Did you say “earthquake and volcano eruptions during the meeting?” You get the prize, because that’s exactly what happened.

Now, let’s see. You live in this little town where everyone knows everyone else and this group of geologists invade the local motel with probably more computer gear than your local school to check the volcano and see if it is upset. Then you’re at home watching the local news and your mayor, Rachel (played by Linda Hamilton – sorry for digressing a little, but there is something to be said when your mayor is good looking, likes to wear short skirts, and makes a mean cappuccino) comes on TV and says something to the effect that “we’ll be having an emergency town meeting tomorrow to discuss our evacuation plan because the volcano is going to erupt at any minute.” Would you be waiting until tomorrow to evacuate? Sorry, but me personally would be like “Honey, grab the kids we’re going on a vacation.” And what kind of plan is this when there are like two or three roads leading into town? Well, needless to say when the earthquakes start and volcano guts are spewing all over you get an entire little town that seems to crash in the town square and have to be rescued by the national guard. Alright, that little intro was a little long, so let’s do a quick story line of the movie.

The movie opens with all kinds of action as Harry and his group of geologist dudes and dudettes are studying this volcano while it’s erupting. He gets out of the town but not without a little tragedy. Then, while on “vacation” he gets sent to check out this volcano next to “the second most desirable place to live in the United States with a population under 20,000.” He sees all of the warning signs, wants to get all of the people out of town, but his boss says “No.” Being dissed by his boss, Harry contemplates leaving town but instead starts to fall for the mayor, but then again, who wouldn’t? So he stays to study the volcano, or maybe just the mayor. Well, like I said before, the volcano erupts, surprise, surprise, the buildings start to fall, people crash into each other and mass mayhem erupts with it. Meanwhile, his boss apologizes to Harry, that Harry was right and he was wrong. Duh? Well, the national guard comes in to save the day, and most of the people, all except for Harry, Rachel, and her two kids who went to rescue grandma living high in the hills. I guess it would have been a lot shorter movie if grandma wasn’t so damn stupid and wanted to stay.

As the lava flow comes crashing through the house our adventurers make their escape to what is now an acid lake, cruising in a metal boat. They make it across the lake thanks to grandma, but in the end they wasted their trip up the mountain. Eventually they get back to town, but not before the bridge gets washed out, so now they are trapped and head for cover. They find it, and guess what, they all get rescued.

Now, don’t get me wrong, “Dante’s Peak” isn’t that bad of a movie, it’s just filled with stupid people. For you special effects buffs, the volcano blowing up and all the things that go with it are great. The only problem is you have to sit through a lot of things that make you glad you have a little common sense because this town sure doesn’t. I’d say wait for the video but the effects will probably be lost in shrinking to the small screen. I don’t think it’s worth a full price ticket, so I guess if you’re going to see it opt for the bargain show or wait till it hits the bargain theaters. All in all it’s 2 stars for “Dante’s Peak.”

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Ted

MPAA Rated – R
It’s 1:46 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

Ted
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Mark Wahlberg, Mila Kunis, voice of Seth MacFarlane, Joel McHale
MPAA Rated: R
Released By: Universal Pictures
Release Date: June 29, 2012
Kiddie Movie: Only if you want them asking for a vulgar teddy bear for Christmas.
Date Movie: It’s good for the adult boys and girls.
Gratuitous Sex: Somehow Ted gets it on with the ladies, and there is a boob shot.
Gratuitous Violence: Ted runs into some problems with a crazed fan.
Action: Nah.
Laughs: From start to finish!
Memorable Scene: The fight scene with Ted and John.
Memorable Quote: Too many to list.
Directed By: Seth MacFarlane

I know, just the other day you were asking yourself, “Self, whatever happened to Sam Jones?” Actually, you were probably doing some work around the house and heard something about Sam Jones in the background and asked yourself, “Self, who in the hell is Sam Jones?” Well, for the uninformed, Sam Jones is Flash Gordon. Yes, that Flash Gordon from the 1980’s classic, well, “Flash Gordon,” and low and behold he has been resurrected in the funny-as-hell movie about a teddy bear, “Ted.”

Let’s get to the story…

John Bennett (Mark Wahlberg) was the kid growing up who didn’t have any friends. There wasn’t really anything wrong with him, he just wasn’t friends with anyone. For Christmas he is given a giant teddy bear, names him Ted, and wishes one night that Ted will be his best friend forever. Yup, John goes to sleep, wakes up, and there he is, a living, breathing, talking Ted (voiced by Seth MacFarlane). One would normally think you would hide a talking teddy bear from the outside world, but for this movie Ted becomes famous, even appearing on Johnny Carson, but like most young celebrities, after a while no one cares about Ted except for John.

The years go by, John gets a girlfriend, Lori (Mila Kunis), and Ted is his best friend all along, even still living with John as John and Lori’s relationship grows.  The thing is, Ted really hasn’t had the best of role models growing up, preferring to get stoned and sleep with hookers, and John is kind of on the same path, except for the “sleeping with hookers” part, much to the dismay of Lori.

As Lori and John have been together for a few years, Lori is getting fidgety, getting that itch to get married, while fending off the advances of her boss, Rex (Joel McHale), and also wants John to grow up. She knows that for any of this to happen, Ted needs to move out, and, oh hell, why am I giving away the entire movie?  Okay, one more things to give away first before summing it all up, pay attention to the creepy Donny (Giovanni Ribisi) and his son.

Here’s the thing… “Ted” the movie is very funny, in a truly adult humor kind of way. Ted is a vulgar teddy bear who likes getting laid and somehow gets promoted at the grocery store by saying horrible things about the boss’ wife, while John is stuck in a world where Sam Jones is his idol (see, I bring it all back to Sam Jones), and we find out that Flash Gordon is now a partier who likes cocaine, liquor, and floozies, and yet both John and Ted must grow up, just a little, to get to the next stages of their respective lives.  The humor is what you might expect from a vulgar teddy bear, and it’s not just for the boys, the girls in the theater seemed to have a good time, too, but I will say this, many of the jokes might go over your head just a bit if you weren’t a child of the 80’s and 90’s, or don’t know who Tom Skerritt is.

I loved “Ted,” both the movie and the teddy bear.  You would think the joke of a talking teddy bear would get old after a while, but the truth is, there is a personality to Ted that keeps things moving, and the bizarre side story with Donny and his son wraps things up nicely.  Mark Wahlberg does his best as the likeable slacker, Mila Kunis is her adorable self, and Joel McHale is great as the creepy boss.  It’s good for the men and women, but leave the kids at home with the sitter, unless you want your son or daughter to wish for a slightly different kind of teddy bear.

4 ½ stars out of 5! I laughed my ass off and always appreciate a movie that doesn’t totally dumb things down for some great doses of the funny!

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!!  L8R!!!

The Devil’s Advocate

MPAA Rated – R
It’s 2:18 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

The Devil’s Advocate
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Al Pacino, Keanu Reeves, Charlize Theron, Jeffry Jones, Craig T. Nelson
MPAA Rated: R
Released By: Warner Bros.
Release Date: 1997
Kiddie Movie: Not unless your kid is the son of the Devil.
Date Movie: Sure.
Gratuitous Sex: A couple of scenes.
Gratuitous Violence: Yup.
Action: Not really, mostly suspense.
Laughs: Some chuckles during the Devil’s ranting scene.
Memorable Scene: The Devil’s ranting scene, explaining most of mankind.
Memorable Quote: Too many to mention.
Directed By: Taylor Hackford

“The Devil’s Advocate.” This movie almost had it all. You had sex, nudity, quality kills, scary demon monsters, good looking women, good looking men, an original story, and one of the best ranting scenes in movie history. All that is was missing was a quality car chase, and they left in about 5 minutes of film that should have wound up on the cutting room floor. Dammit! For once I want to see an ending, a good ending, and not drag a movie out just a little bit further to ruin it for me. Now, I know these things might be my opinions, but I thought the movie was about 5 minutes too long. But we’ll start at the beginning.

Kevin Lomax (Keanu Reeves) is a lawyer, and a pretty damn good one. His problem – he’s stuck in this small Florida town and there aren’t too many cases that come up requiring the talents he possesses. He’s got an adorable wife, a loving mother, but in his heart he wants more. John Milton (Al Pacino) heads a Manhattan law firm, and is the Devil. His problem, well, it’s always been the Devil’s problem, having evil win over good. Now, I won’t spoil one slight surprise, but eventually Kevin finds himself recruited by John to work in the city of evil – New York City. Kevin has this great ability to pick any jury to acquit any bad guy, and seems to be getting over his moral problem of letting the bad guys get acquitted even though he knows they are guilty.

Now, working for the Devil does have some privileges, but not without its price. First off, there is poor Mary Ann Lomax, Kevin’s wife, played by Charlize Theron. She is definitely not ready for the life of the rich and famous, or the demonic and scary. Nope, she wants hubby to always be by her side, and the material possessions that go along with her husband working for the Mighty Bad One just aren’t cutting it. So, what is the Devil to do but drive her insane. It works – she ends up in the psych-ward at the hospital. Poor Mary Ann – she should have never left the small town. Well, most of her problem is caused by her ever hungry for more husband. He sees there is trouble in his marriage, but rather than jump off the court wagon, he opts to finish his high-profile murder case he is on. His mother comes to town to try and help, but by now it’s too late. Kevin has risen through the ranks quickly, is easily manipulated by Milton, but eventually comes to realize the evil that is Milton. Here comes the confrontation.

So, Kevin marches to El Diablo Milton’s penthouse, convinced old John is responsible for his wife’s going crazy. What to do? Let’s try and shoot him. Yep, Kevin pulls out a gun, unloads it into John, and well, let’s just say that bullets don’t do much against his Almighty Badness. Thus begins one of the best ranting scenes I have ever witnessed. Milton begins to tell Kevin his fate, how things came to be, and how things are supposed to become, but only with Kevin’s help. The Devil explains choices people make, the sense of humor of God, the real reasons lawyers exist, and how through the eons the battle between good and evil raged on. And for a minute, it looks as if Kevin is buying it, is ready to turn to the dark side, except I think it’s the Devil’s own fault Kevin gets a conscience – the Devil wouldn’t shut up.

The Devil needs Kevin to continue his work, and with Kevin’s help, God won’t stand a chance. Kevin is almost ready to take that step, and then he finally gets that conscience he has so willfully shed in the past. He has a choice – take his life and ruin the Devil’s plan, run away (although the Devil would probably be able to find him and make his life more miserable than it already is), or join the bad team. Well, in a happy for God but bad for Kevin ending, Kevin blows his brains out and the Devil spirals to the pit of damnation. I hear all of you groaning now, how I just ruined the ending. Well, I didn’t, because that’s not the end. Nope, I’ll let you shell out your seven bucks and see the last five minutes of what I thought ruined this mighty fine film.

Al Pacino is utterly terrific in his role as the Almighty Bad One. He has the fiendish grin, the anger, the cunning, and the manipulative attitude to pull off the role as the Devil playing a lawyer perfectly. Keanu Reeves isn’t bad either, in probably one of his better acting style roles. He is easily manipulated into wanting more and not seeing the catastrophes that are building around him. This was definitely almost one of the best movies I’ve seen.

So, the rating. After Keanu blew his brains out and the Devil spiraled back to the pits of hell, I was ready to give this film five stars, especially after Pacino’s performance. I was happy for mankind, sad for Keanu, and ready to get out of my seat pleased that Hollywood didn’t ruin a really good movie. But then, it didn’t end. “Noooooooo!” I screamed in the theater (well, maybe not screamed, but I groaned loudly). I won’t ruin it, but I didn’t like it, and five minutes of film cost this movie a star. That gives “The Devil’s Advocate” 4 out of 5 stars. I can’t wait for the video so I can stop this movie where I think it should have ended – Keanu in a pool of blood on the floor.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Dead Silence

MPAA Rated – Unrated
It’s 1:30 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

Dead Silence
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Donnie Wahlberg, Amber Valletta, Ryan Kwanten, Laura Regan, Judith Roberts
MPAA Rated: Unrated
Released By: Universal Pictures
Release Date: 2007
Kiddie Movie: Only if you want them to have nightmares about dummies.
Date Movie: Good for the both of you to snuggle to.
Gratuitous Sex: Would have added a star, especially in an unrated version.
Gratuitous Violence: Tongues get torn out, there’s blood, and people die.
Action: Some running and chasing.
Laughs: Nothing really.
Memorable Scene: I did like Jamie’s dad, all the way through the end.
Memorable Quote: None
Directed By: James Wan

I hate to start a review with a rant sometimes, but for “Dead Silence” a rant, I believe, is necessary, and this rant has to do with the folks who marketed the film when it first was hitting theaters, and even those marketing the film now coming out on DVD. The trailer for “Dead Silence” simply started with “From the writers and directors of ‘Saw’” and that, for me, says expect a lot of gore, blood, twisted-ness, and over-the-top horror fun. The DVD states “New Unrated Version. More Gruesome and Horrifying Than Anything Seen in Theaters.” The problem is that the movie isn’t more gruesome and horrifying than anything seen in theaters, and it doesn’t come close to the level of over-the-top, yet fun, gore as seen in “Saw.” Nope, “Dead Silence” is actually a decent thriller, with some nice twists and some horror gore (but no nudity, bummer), and I probably would have seen it in theaters when it first came out if they just marketed it as a horror/thriller and ignored the then “reputation” of “Saw.” I also would have liked my first viewing of the DVD if I weren’t waiting, for an hour and a half of watching, for more gruesomeness, horrifying-ness, and “Saw”-ness, instead of just wrapping myself into the story and thriller-ness of it.

Enough ranting, here’s the story.

It seems that in the town of Ravens Fair there is an old story about a ventriloquist lady, Mary Shaw (Judith Roberts), who haunts the locals. She never had any kids, only dolls, and if you saw her in your dreams you shouldn’t scream because she would tear out your tongue. Jamie (Ryan Kwanten) comes from Ravens Fair but has moved out of town with his wife Lisa (Laura Regan). One day a ventriloquist dummy gets delivered to his doorstep, Lisa ends up dead – sans tongue, Detective Lipton (Donnie Wahlberg) thinks Jamie killed her, and Jamie is heading back to the old homestead to bury his wife, investigate her murder, and confront his dad, Edward (Bob Gunton). He finds that pop has a new wife, Ella (Amber Valleta), is being trailed by the good Detective, and things are getting more twisted in his hometown. Dummies have been exhumed, the funeral director’s wife seems crazy, there are flashbacks to the downfall of Mary Shaw, her death, and the actual story of why Mary Shaw’s spirit is taking revenge on the town comes to light. In the end Jamie finds some secrets he might have done better without learning.

I’d go more into the story, but there isn’t a reason to. Most people find ventriloquist dummies kind of creepy to begin with, so them going on a killing rampage in a horror flick isn’t a surprise. Hell, most of us find ventriloquists a little creepy so them going on a rampage in a horror flick wouldn’t be a surprise, either, and “Dead Silence” builds on our general creepiness of ventriloquists and their dummies. The problem I had was because the way the film was marketed I really expected an over-the-top horror flick, with ghastly, brutal killings, rather than just the thriller it was. Sure, there were some twists and turns at the end, one which was totally obvious from the get-go, another I was surprised I missed, but for most of us who have grown up with the horror genre, “Dead Silence” is actually a better thriller than a horror/gore fest.

If you find ventriloquists and their dummies creepy, and you’re looking for a movie to snuggle with your honey on an evening, “Dead Silence” really wouldn’t be that bad a choice. There are some slow points, but most thrillers have them, and some of the killings won’t really be a surprise, but some killings aren’t always a surprise in most thrillers anyway. I give “Dead Silence” 3 stars out of 5. It’s not the most original of flicks but has its moments. Ignore the marketing because if you are anywhere between 17 and 50 years old, growing up between “Friday the 13th” through the “Scream” series and beyond, it’s not more gruesome nor horrifying than anything seen in theaters. Just enjoy the thriller for what it is, a thriller about creepy dummies with some moments of tearing out tongues.

As far as the extras on the DVD go, I found it funny because I actually thought the alternate opening would have been a better one then giving me the historical origins of the word “ventriloquist,” the deleted scenes were fine being deleted, it was interesting seeing how the film folks found a great choice for Mary Shaw, but maybe the marketing folks should have watched “The Making of ‘Dead Silence’” part that shows “Dead Silence” is really a tip of the hat to old-time horror flicks and not just a gore-fest, nor meant to be that gruesome nor horrifying, just thrilling.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!