Tag: movie reviews

The Avengers

MPAA Rated – PG-13
It’s It’s too long. Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

The Avengers
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Ralph Fiennes, Uma Thurman, Sean Connery
MPAA Rated: PG-13
Released By: Warner Bros.
Kiddie Movie: They’d probably laugh at the giant teddy bears, but I’d leave them at home anyway.
Date Movie: Only if you hate her.
Gratuitous Sex: None, damn.
Gratuitous Violence: A stabbing, some killer mechanical bees, but nothing horrible.
Action: Ehh.
Laughs: Stupid ones.
Memorable Scene: Every outfit Uma had on.
Memorable Quote: None.
Directed By: Jermiah Chichik

I’ve watched a few episodes of the original “Avengers” TV show, but that seems like so long ago that I don’t really remember it much. With that, I have no comparison of the movie out in theaters to the TV show, so I can’t spend half of my review doing so. In that case I’ll just get right to it and say that unless you lust over Uma Thurman, want to see guys in giant teddy bear suits, or want to sit in your seat for an hour and a half wondering why there are no cars on the road, don’t go see “the Avengers.”

Alright, the movie isn’t that bad, it’s just that there is nothing to really have me try to tell you that you should spend your hard-earned dollar on seeing it. Want the story – here we go: Sean Connery plays a disgruntled scientist who has found a way to control the weather. Ralph Fiennes plays John Steed, the secret agent, and Uma Thurman plays Emma Peel, the sexy doctor who can also kick some ass. Oh, yea, you also get a cloning topic thrown in there. So, yea, you guessed it, the disgruntled scientist threatens to ruin the world unless he gets a lot of cash, and somehow it’s up to Steed and Peel to save the world. I remember another story-line about a weather dominator, it was for the soap opera “General Hospital,” and, quite frankly, I liked the GH story-line better because at least with that you knew what to expect, “the Avengers” just left me wondering.

See, I sat there wondering why there seemed to be no cars on the road except Steed’s, the bad guys, the Ministry’s secret bus, and, well, that’s about it, and when the bridge got blown out by a tornado or wave (I can’t remember) my thought was “Well, it’s not like they needed it anyway.” Then I found it more amusing than anything with the scientists all decked out in these giant teddy bear outfits so neither would know who the other was. Then I wondered what year it was supposed to be because they had pretty cool computer technology yet drove cars that seemed older than me. I also wondered why only a few people carried guns. I guess I just sat there wondering a lot, and really happy that I just went to a matinee.

The quick things I read on the internet before going to see this movie talked about how the movie was choppy, how there was no chemistry between Uma and Ralph, but that the shooting of the film looked good. Yea, so be it, say what you want, but I was disappointed in two things really. One, if you’re having a movie made in the 90’s (not set in the 90’s, but made in the 90’s) about a weather dominator, and the destruction it can cause, how about some better effects shots of Mom Nature reeking havoc, rather than just a lame snow-storm. Two, as much as I couldn’t believe it, Sean Connery couldn’t pull off the disgruntled scientist/bad guy role. I guess I can’t blame Connery’s acting, I think it was just the character in general was so lame.

Was it supposed to be an attempt at British style humor trying to appeal to the American crowd? Was it supposed to be kinda goofy, sort of like I vaguely remember the old series? Was it supposed to be entertaining? To all of these questions, well, I just don’t know.

So, what does “the Avengers” get? It’s 1 ½ stars out of 5. For a movie with so much potential it just really let me down.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

American Pie

MPAA Rated – R
It’s 1:50 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

American Pie
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Jason Biggs, Shannon Elizabeth, Chris Klein, Thomas Ian Nicholas, Eddie Kaye Thomas, Natasha Lyonne
MPAA Rated: R
Released By: Universal Pictures
Kiddie Movie: No way.
Date Movie: She should laugh.
Gratuitous Sex: Nudity, too.
Gratuitous Violence: Nah.
Action: Nah.
Laughs: Tons.
Memorable Scene: The internet broadcast, among many others.
Memorable Quote: I won’t say where they occur, but some of the lines I loved the most are: “Again?”, “Aged 18 years… Just the way I like it.”, “What’s my name, bitch!”
Directed By: Paul Weitz

There were a few movies I was totally looking forward to seeing this summer, but with that build up of anticipation always comes the chance of the movie being a flop in my eyes. “American Pie” was one of those movies I wanted to see ever since I nearly fell out of my chair laughing after seeing the trailer, but I was worried that the trailer contained all of the funny scenes which would leave a lot of boredom for the rest of the movie. I will simply say that I was not disappointed, and “American Pie” goes on my list of funny movies that I will never take my mom to see.

In a nutshell, “American Pie” tells the story of four friends in high school who vow to get laid by the end of the school year. Each kid has his work cut out for him because neither of them are the suave and deboner types to get all of the chicks. Nope, Jim (Jason Biggs) is the normal dude, not really knowing how to talk to girls, especially the way-hot foreign exchange dudette Nadia (Shannon Elizabeth), and resorts mostly to masturbation to cool his jets. Then you’ve got Oz (Chris Klein), the jock dude who isn’t jock enough to get the chicks, and then scares away the rest of the girls by hanging with the foul-thinking teammates. Kevin’s (Thomas Ian Nickolas) got a girlfriend but can’t get past the oral homage area mostly because of his inability to say the right thing when his girlfriend says “I love you.” And then there’s Finch (Eddie Kay Thomas) who is just too smooth for the young girls and better fitted for the older ladies (yea right!). At least that’s what he seems to think. Each of them has their challenge, and Prom night’s coming so time is running out, and “American Pie” takes us through each dudes right of passage into adulthood. And a funny right of passage it is.

I won’t tell you much more than that because detailing any of the boys plans for scoring will probably ruin the anticipation of most of the jokes, so I will just say that, well, I laughed my ass off.

Yes, “American Pie” is a rude and crude as you think it might be from the commercials, and the teenagers will want to see it by sneaking into the movies, but really this movie is kind of a funny way for adults to look back and remember their first experiences with sex. I won’t say it’s a funny way for adults to look back at their first use of alcohol because I don’t think any of us drank as nonchalantly as these teens do, but hey, you can’t have everything in a movie.

If jokes about sex disgust you, if seeing teenagers drinking bothers you, and if you think tasteless movies are the downfall of society, for God’s sake don’t do see “American Pie.” You will become more disgusted, more bothered, and expect the second coming as you’re walking out of the theater. But if you can laugh about masturbation jokes, aren’t offended by things that happen at band camp, and think that internet porn isn’t such a bad thing, well, I think you’ll like “American Pie.”

Keep the youngins at home and relive your first time. Go see “American Pie.”

To wrap it up, this dude gives “American Pie” 4 ½ stars out of 5. It wasn’t the most cinematic of films, the acting wasn’t the greatest, but I laughed my ass off and that’s just what I wanted to do.

That’s it for this one, I’m The Dude on the Right!!! L8R!!

American Beauty

MPAA Rated – R
It’s 1:58 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

American Beauty
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Annette Bening, Kevin Spacey, Thora Birch, Wes Bentley
MPAA Rated: R
Released By: Dreamworks
Kiddie Movie: Definitely not.
Date Movie: She might hold your hand, or get suspicious of the way you look at a teenager.
Gratuitous Sex: Some boob shots, some butt shots, but no gratuitous sex.
Gratuitous Violence: One scene for sure.
Action: Nope.
Laughs: Chuckles.
Memorable Scene: Lester, Carolyn, and Jane at the dinner table, and the, well, almost last scene.
Memorable Quote: “Cunt.” – Not heard nearly enough in movies today. And in a different scene, Buddy says “You like getting nailed by the king!” to which Carolyn replies “Oh yea! Fuck me your majesty!”
Directed By: Sam Mendes

Lots of critics have proclaimed “American Beauty” a remarkable film, worthy of all of the statue awards, the best film of the 90’s, and all of the rest of the things that go along with that. I will just say that “American Beauty” is a pretty damn good film which, for a change, didn’t go for the happy Hollywood ending. That really doesn’t spoil the movie, but it was the final thing that made me really like this movie, and actually made me reflect a little on my life.
Picture if you will a totally dysfunctional family. Mom is in real estate and losing it, dad is in advertising and losing it, and the daughter has already lost it, hanging around with the high school babe and just trying to accept being abnormal. That’s bad enough, now introduce a new family next door. Dad used to be in the military and is always suspicious of his son. Mom is, well, basically comatose. And the son gets his kicks by seeing beauty in the strangest things, usually videotaping them, and also sells pot. Alright, you probably guessed this, but the son likes the daughter, the daughter ends up liking the son, and “American Beauty” turns into one of those movies that has a lot of slow spots but still has you leaving the theater just saying something like “Whoa.”
Well, in “American Beauty”, real estate mom is Carolyn (Annette Bening, who I have always liked, and I guess that sounds weird, but I have), advertising dad is Lester (Kevin Spacey, in another great roll), and their daughter is Jane (Thora Birch – she plays the displaced teenager perfectly). Then you’ve got the main player from family #2, Ricky Fitts (Wes Bentley – playing the psychotic but still with maybe the most grip on reality teenager). Well, Lester gets most of his pleasure by beating off. Yea, that’s right, masturbating, and it’s usually with Angela (Mena Suvari), Jane’s high school friend, in mind. He hates his job, he’s in his midlife crises, and Ricky shows him the way to tap into being young again. Now, Carolyn, on the other hand, would get her pleasure by selling a house, but sadly seems to have lost it. So she sees her way to happiness in the likes of Buddy Kane (Peter Gallagher), the local real estate mogul who she lets teach her a thing or two about positive thinking and royalty. In the meantime Jane and Ricky fall in love with each other but Ricky’s military dad is still suspicious.
I can’t really give you much more without giving away a lot of the subtleties that make “American Beauty” a great film. It’s a dark movie. Families are falling apart and it unfolds right before your eyes. It kind of might make you wonder about your own family. It also has some funny moments, maybe because you might see them in your own life. But mostly, at least for me, “American Beauty” just had all of the right players in all of the right parts, and that got me past the slow moments, probably high on an artistic standpoint, but I was just stuck waiting a little longer to see if dad would score with Angela.
If things like sex, a dad lusting over a teenager, a family falling apart, or just life not being happy aren’t your idea of a good movie you might want to stay away from “American Beauty,” and that’s a little too bad. It’s sometimes blunt, sometimes not really to the point, but it takes you on a trip and the acting is great. That, and maybe this doesn’t really fit with the review of the film, but a clip achieved what Paul tried to do in a “Mad About You” episode – film the wind. It’s an artistic message for this movie, but just stood out for me as well, filming the wind.
Well, let’s leave this review at that. I’m giving “American Beauty” 4 ½ stars out of 5. It’s a great film, although it does drag a little, but I guess that’s sometimes the price you pay for mixing the artsy side a little with the serious side..
That’s if for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!

Bubble Boy

MPAA Rated – PG-13
It’s 1:24 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

Bubble Boy
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Jake Gyllenhaal, Marley Shelton, Swoosie Kurtz, Beetlejuice
MPAA Rated: PG-13
Released By: Touchstone Pictures
Release Date: 2001
Kiddie Movie: Only if you want to try and explain the “Memorable Quotes” listed below.
Date Movie: Don’t waste your money on bringing them.
Gratuitous Sex: Talk and the bubble boy in his underwear.
Gratuitous Violence: The Bubble Boy gets bounced around a little.
Action: There are some chase scenes.
Laughs: There could have been a lot more.
Memorable Scene: The mud wrestling scene.
Memorable Quote: To give you a feel of the movie: “It’s the Jews, they’re gonna want more money.” and “Pinocchio came out of his bubble, touched the little whore next door, and died.”
Directed By: Blair Hayes

You know, I’m not really sure what the support group for kids with immune deficiency are bitching about, but “Bubble Boy” offends so many more ethnic and racial groups while leaving Jimmy, this movie’s bubble boy, played by Jake Gyllenhaal, looking like a hero.

I won’t waste too much of your time with this review so here’s a quick story run-down. Jimmy was born with an immunity deficiency which meant if was exposed to any germs he would probably die. His mom keeps him sheltered in his bubble, telling him there is only one TV show, “Land of the Lost” I believe it was. But Jimmy can look out his bedroom window and when the hot babe, Chloe (Marley Shelton) moves in next door, and, well, Jimmy starts to hit puberty, well, Jimmy is in love. But she’s a love he can’t have and when she goes off to marry a loser, well, Jimmy handily crafts a portable bubble so he can go stop the wedding.

So Jimmy’s off to Niagara Falls from like, California, and there are funny stories to tell as Jimmy makes his way across the country, well, at least there should be funny stories to tell. Instead you get jokes about Hindu’s and their sacred cows, Hispanics, hick-towns, cults, side-show freaks, and Jews.

Well, and trust me, this isn’t ruining the movie, but Jimmy makes it in time to stop the wedding and finds out that his mother is a liar.

The movie actually had some potential to be funny, poignant, and cute, but instead went to just make fun of everyone and anything and in doing so it just stopped being funny. Sure there were some cute moments, who wouldn’t think Bubble-Boy body-surfing is sort of funny, but in the end this movie almost seemed to try to take itself too seriously, not about the disease, but about Jimmy’s quest to get his girl, and went for the easy racial/ethnic jokes instead of being creatively funny.

“Bubble Boy” wasn’t horrible, but don’t waste your money on it in the theater or even renting the video. Wait for cable on this one. 1 ½ stars out of 5.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

The Brothers Grimm

MPAA Rated – PG-13
It’s 1:58 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

The Brothers Grimm
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Matt Damon, Heath Ledger, Lena Keadey
MPAA Rated: PG-13
Released By: Dimension Films
Release Date: 2005
Kiddie Movie: There’s some killing and a confusing story, so leave the younger ones at home.
Date Movie: Only if she likes Monty Python type humor.
Gratuitous Sex: Just some push-up outfits.
Gratuitous Violence: There is some killing going on.
Action: There is some chasing going on.
Laughs: A couple of chuckles here and there.
Memorable Scene: The mirror breaking was pretty cool.
Memorable Quote: “Trust the toad!”
Directed By: Terry Gilliam

I wasn’t in my “Monty Python” mode going in to see “The Brothers Grimm,” and it probably took me about half of the movie to switch to that mode, but after I did, I really began to appreciate “The Brothers Grimm” a little more. Not enough to really recommend it, but the weird humor that is Terry Gilliam began to surface and I could finally see where he was going. That’s too hard when going to a movie sometimes, and it’s too hard for this one.

In “The Brothers Grimm,” we get Matt Damon and Heath Ledger as Wilhelm and Jacob Grimm. They’ve been making a living with a couple of other cohorts by exploiting old legends. For our introduction to them, they are convincing some townsfolk that they can get rid of the Mill Witch who has been terrorizing the town as of late. And so, with elaborate pulleys and costumes, they stage the destroying of the Mill Witch and collect the cash. But the French have invaded Germany, which is where our boys have set up shop, and aren’t to pleased with them. Facing death or helping the French, Wilhelm and Jacob decide to help the French calm down a town whose girls keep disappearing in the woods. With Angelika (Lena Headey) as their guide, and Cavaldi (Peter Stormare) making sure the brothers don’t try to run away, our heroes find themselves in some sort of enchanted forest, based upon the legend of an old witch. And so, with honest to goodness strange things happening around them, things like trees coming to life, a horse swallowing a girl, and roaches moving the covers off of crypts, well, our heroes find themselves in real-life weirdness that they have to solve, all along with fairy tale references being tossed around like candy (a gingerbread cookie, a Little Red Riding Hood, a “who’s the fairest of the all”, and a frog to kiss, just to name a few).

But this isn’t an easy comedy to get into, unless I guess you are a huge Monty Python-type fan, so it was kind of interesting sitting in the theater, hearing some groups of people laughing at nearly everything, with the other groups probably just wondering what they aren’t getting. Like I said, it took me too long to back into that comedy-style mode, and even then, it doesn’t seem to live up to that kind of humor I remember from other Terry Gilliam projects, I think, mostly, because it gets too bogged down in itself to just let the humor and fun be let out.

There were some good moments, and Matt Damon and Heath Ledger were actually very good in their roles, but unless you love “Monty Python” type humor, I really can’t recommend this one. It’s 2 stars out of 5. This one seems more like a good rental than spending your hard-earned cash at the box office.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Borat

MPAA Rated – R
It’s 1:24 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

Borat
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Sacha Baron Cohen, Ken Davitian
MPAA Rated: R
Released By: 20th Century Fox
Release Date: 2006
Kiddie Movie: Only if you want them twisted for life.
Date Movie: Only if the both of you laughed at the trailer.
Gratuitous Sex: Almost, and it was really gross, not that anything was wrong with it.
Gratuitous Violence: Nah.
Action: A chase scene, in the nude.
Laughs: Nearly an hour and a half worth.
Memorable Scene: As gross as it was, the naked scene.
Memorable Quote: Way too many to list.
Directed By: Larry Charles

The wonderment is already out there: What scenes in “Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan” were genuine, and which were staged? Some parts are pretty easy to figure out that Borat (Sacha Baron Cohen) and Azamat (Ken Davitian) are acting to keep the story moving along to keep up with the end plot of the movie (that being Borat wanting to take the virginity away from Pamela Anderson), but for the most part “Borat” ends up being a bizarre look at bigotry, racism objectification of women, political correctness, political incorrectness, and, oh hell, society in general. Pretty much like Sacha Baron Cohen has been doing with his HBO series for a few years now. Here’s the basic run-down…

Borat is supposed to be a television commentator in Kazakhstan. We are introduced to his village where everyone hates his neighbor, his sister (whom he makes out with) is proud of being a great prostitute, and his wife threatens that if Borat cheats on her she will chop off his cock. In any case he has been charged with filming a documentary in the United States to see how life here can help the people of Kazakhstan. At first Borat is just supposed to hang around New York City and interview people, but he also keeps living like he did in the old country, I guess, as he washes his clothes in Central Park, takes a dump in an inappropriate location, and jerks off in front of store windows, in full view of the public. Then, in his hotel room, he is watching a rerun of “Baywatch” and falls in love with C.J. (and who wouldn’t). He learns C.J. is actually Pamela Anderson, and Borat decides to take his documentary cross-country on the quest for his true love.

Along the way Borat continues his documentary, finding himself at a Gay-Pride Parade, a religious revival, a rodeo, a high-society dinner, in a camper with fraternity dudes, and a host of other locations where Borat can show people at their best, and at their worst. And you would think it wouldn’t be easy for Borat to show people at their worst, but for this film it’s almost like shooting fish in a barrel as people tend to show their attitudes about race, women, foreigners, and the right for a man to buy a gun to shoot a Jew if he wants to. And, oh yea, there’s also some nude wrestling, but not the kind I was looking for.

I really don’t want to give too much away about this movie only saying that it has the potential to offend the shit out of you, especially the beat-down Jewish people get, but I suppose everyone gets their share of bashing in this movie, and it’s especially seen in the prejudice of many of the people Borat interviews along the way. But somehow Borat is able to help you see the prejudices, how ludicrous they are, and it made me laugh.

I would like to think the entire film only had two people acting in it, those being Sacha Baron Cohen as Borat and Ken Davitian as Azamat. IMDB also lists comedian Luenell, and has Pamela Anderson as uncredited, which does make sense in the grand scheme of the movie. What is sort of scary is the rest of the grand scheme of the movie and the fact that the rest of the folks on screen either A: Signed away a release of their actions without reading exactly where it was being used, or worse B: Signed away a release of their actions knowing exactly where it was being used (although I could see the college fraternity kids signing away their rights in either case). For me, though, the movie is funny as hell, as well as a little sad, but I’ll tell you what, if some stranger approached me on the street trying to kiss me on the cheeks, I would probably run away from him as well, no matter if his intention was just to say “Hello.”

If the thought of a movie having a scene called “The Running of the Jew” appalls you so much that seeing it during a film would have you walk out, well, you might want to save your money and not see “Borat” because, well, you’ll only see about 5 minutes of the movie. But if anything in the trailer for the film made you laugh my guess is you already understand the humor in the movie, and let me assure you, the trailer doesn’t even show the best parts. It’s 4 ½ stars out of 5 for “Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan.” It would have been 5 stars except as funny as the nude scene was, it didn’t involve Pamela Anderson.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2

MPAA Rated – R
It’s 1:30 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

Book of Shadows:
Blair Witch 2
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Kim Director, Jeffrey Donovan, Erica Leerhsen, Tristen Skyler, Stephen Barker Turner
MPAA Rated: R
Released By: Artisan Entertainment
Release Date: 2000
Kiddie Movie: Nope.
Date Movie: Nope.
Gratuitous Sex: Almost.
Gratuitous Violence: Some gore.
Action: More suspense than action.
Laughs: Well, the movie.
Memorable Scene: None.
Memorable Quote: None.
Directed By: Joe Berlinger

After seeing “The Blair Witch Project” my feelings were simply that those three numbskulls deserved their fate. A circular river, losing your map, no compass, running through the forest in the dark, jeeze, it’s no wonder they ended up dead. After seeing “Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2”, the Blair Witch sequel, my feeling is this – don’t do drugs. Why? Because all is well until it seems our new cast of characters get their hands on some bad weed and a few too many beers and end up doing kooky things and seeing wacky images.

“Book of Shadows” tells the fake re-enactment story of events that happened in Burkittsville after “The Blair Witch Project” was released. You know the stuff, how the crazy people went to the town looking for the fake Blair Witch, how some of the locals sold Blair Witch relics, and even some tour groups that started up. This story centers around one such tour group, their trip into the woods where they smoke some pot and drink some beers (even the pregnant lady), and then weird things start happening that are supposed to be scary and spooky. Like I said before, to me it just seems like they got their hands on some bad dope.

I won’t take up much more of your time because you probably won’t see this movie because you hated the first one that you went to see because you got suckered in by the hype. Not this time, there’s no hype to be found except that it’s the second movie. But my end take is that this could have been a much better movie had the first Blair Witch never been made. I couldn’t help thinking how stupid our first cast of characters were and how our second cast of characters are becoming just as stupid. There are some neat twists and turns in “Book of Shadows,” there’s some nudity this time and some quality gore, but it still gets lost in how stupid people are.

With that I’ll be giving “Book of Shadows” 2 stars out of 5. It could have been better without being a sequel, but I just wondered why people never learn. And, oh yea, don’t do drugs or you too might end up having a miscarriage, or seeing little kids that aren’t really there, or hanging your wife. And, oh yea, part two, if you really want to protect yourself from getting caught, leave the video cameras at home.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

The Bone Collector

MPAA Rated – R
It’s 1:58 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

The Bone Collector
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Denzel Washington, Angelina Jolie, Ed O’Neil
MPAA Rated: R
Released By: Universal Pictures
Release Date: 1999
Kiddie Movie: I think not, although some dad did bring his 10 year old daughter.
Date Movie: She might get scared and snuggle.
Gratuitous Sex: Nothing gratuitous.
Gratuitous Violence: Some gross out scenes.
Action: Some suspense.
Laughs: A line here and there.
Memorable Scene: One of the victims is tied up and the rats start heading towards him.
Memorable Quote: None come to mind.
Directed By: Phillip Noyce

I still can’t quite decide if I liked “The Bone Collector” or not. Sure it had some interesting ways to kill someone. Sure it had some suspense. Sure I jumped a little when the SWAT team’s door flung open. Sure it had one of my newest, favoritist actresses in the likes of Angelina Jolie. But I just didn’t come away with the “Damn that was a good movie” attitude.

Here’s the story. Denzel Washington plays Lincoln Rhyme. He’s stuck in a bed due to a freak accident while investigating a crime scene. He used to be one of the best crime scene detectives out there, but now he just wants to die. Low and behold Angelina as Amelia Donaghy stumbles across a crime scene, uses her wits to preserve the scene before the rain, and gets yelled at for stopping a train. So, the great Ed O’Neil (I miss Married With Children) as Detective Paulie takes the evidence to Lincoln for some insight into the killer, and Lincoln sees a bright spot in Amelia as capable to be a good crime scene investigator. She doesn’t want to, but Lincoln and Paulie pressure her enough so she’s now on her way to a new career.

It turns out the killer is leaving clues for the cops to catch him, or for the cops to blame themselves for not figuring out the clue quick enough, and Lincoln and Amelia are the ones to try to figure out the clues. “Hey, how can Lincoln help if he’s stuck in bed?” Well, Lincoln basically walks Amelia through a crime scene using radio headsets and she brings the clues back to him. But the asshole lead cop, Captain Howard (Michael Rooker), doesn’t like this arrangement and kicks the two off the case. Hey, want some more movie cliches? Well, guess what, the asshole cop turns out to be wrong and Amelia and Lincoln keep investigating even though they are off the case, Amelia and Lincoln have some romantic sparks, and the list goes on.

Alright, the movie had just about every cop/suspense/killer movie cliche there is out there, but it wasn’t too bad except I didn’t buy the sexual tension between Angelina and Denzel at all. The story line wasn’t bad and it led to the obvious conclusion, but I’m thinking you might feel better about seeing “The Bone Collector” if you catch the matinee or wait for video. I will give the movie credit for having some pretty interesting ways for kill people, especially the movie maneuver of knowing exactly how the person was going to be killed yet you’re sitting in your seat going, squirming, because you know exactly what is going to happen.

So, enough rambling. It’s 2 ½ stars out of 5 for “The Bone Collector.” Denzel did a good acting job considering he didn’t have to move much and Angelina did fine as the “not wanting to really do this job” cop, all except the love angle versus the friend angle. Oh well.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Blow

MPAA Rated – R
It’s 2:04 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

Blow
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Johnny Depp, Penelope Cruz, Jordi Molla, Ray Liotta, Paul Reubens
MPAA Rated: R
Released By: New Line Cinema
Release Date: 2001
Kiddie Movie: Unless you want them to be drug dealers, or users. Actually, maybe you should bring them – it might scare them straight.
Date Movie: She might get frightened and hold your hand.
Gratuitous Sex: Some.
Gratuitous Violence: Some pretty gratuitous violence.
Action: Not really, it’s more of a drama.
Laughs: Not really.
Memorable Scene: Most of the movie is a scene.
Memorable Quote: None.
Directed By: Ted Demme

After seeing “Blow” I almost think I can be a drug dealer. Granted I wouldn’t have the guts to get started in the first place, but it was a nice lesson in things to and not to do if you plan on dealing drugs. But first, let’s give you a brief rundown of the story.

In “Blow” you’ve got Johnny Depp playing the real-life drug dealer George Jung. George is one of those guys who just happened to be in the right place at the right time, and in the end at the wrong place at the wrong time. Through the story we get to see George finding himself on a beach in California with his buddy Tuna (Ethan Suplee). Life is well, especially with their being able to hang out with a bunch of stewardesses, and getting high. Paid a visit by another buddy, George realizes that there is a market for good pot on the east coast, hooks up with Derek (Paul Reubens) who can get the pot, but the trick is getting it there. Good for him his girlfriend is a stewardess because their luggage doesn’t get checked at the airport so they are the perfect carriers.

As his east coast business grows, well, George eventually gets caught and winds up doing some jail time. Lucky for him, though, that he ends up meeting Diego (Jordi Molla) who tells George to get to the big time he has to meet Pablo Escabar (Cliff Curtis) and that the real money is in cocaine. George works it big-time, and life is good. But, of course, it’s not. He marries a dudette named Mirtha (Penelope Cruz), gets stabbed in the back by his supposed friends, and loses everything. If only he could make one more run he could get back on his feet and take his daughter away. Oh, if only.

“Blow” is a really good movie, complete with quality violence, a lovely story, it keeps things at a good clip so you don’t really get bored at seeing all of the fun George is having with his life, and Ray Liotta continues to show that he is a top-notch actor. Too much money, too many drugs, and George falls into the same pitfalls as you would think – all roads lead to jail. Too bad George didn’t head some of the following rules (at least we know them now): Don’t get high on your own supply; Women are evil, especially those that, when you comment to them that they should quit doing cocaine because they are pregnant, well, they say that at least they quit smoking; Spend the extra money and launder your money through the United States, or at least a less volatile country, and maybe set up a Swiss bank account rather than store it is said volatile country; Even if you get shot, don’t give up the name of your middleman because your partner will stab you in the back and undercut you; If you clean up your act, don’t attend a party thrown by your wife which is attended by all of your old drug buddies; and, if after a whole bunch of years you run into an old buddy saying he can get you that one last run, one last big score, well, odds are he’s now working for the Feds. Just some rules to live by as a drug dealer.

Anyway, if you’re looking for a good drama with a pretty depressing story, “Blow” just might be the movie for you. Johnny Depp kicks ass as George, showing a weird innocence at mostly just being amazed at what he has been able to do. I give “Blow” 4 stars out of 5.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Bring It On

MPAA Rated – PG-13
It’s 1:38 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

Bring It On
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Kirsten Dunst, Eliza Dushku, Jesse Bradford
MPAA Rated: PG-13
Released By: Universal Pictures
Release Date: 2000
Kiddie Movie: Lots of sexual innuendo – see quotes below.
Date Movie: She’ll probably just think you’re a pervert if you suggest it.
Gratuitous Sex: Lots of talk but nothing on screen.
Gratuitous Violence: A broken leg and bloody nose, but it just goes along with the job.
Action: Nah.
Laughs: Quite a few if you’re older and understand them.
Memorable Scene: When the girls are holding cheerleader tryouts and one girl acts like a stripper, when the girls hire the choreographer, and the final competition.
Memorable Quote: So many, so little space, but here’s a few:
“You’re having cheer sex with him!”
“Guys want to touch my chest!”
“Is that your band or something” as Torrance checks out Cliff’s t-shirt with “The Clash” on it (boy I felt old).
“You speak fag.”
“If you stop eating, maybe your body will eat your ass.”
Directed By: Peyton Reed

Well I’m thinking the ratings board made a mistake in creating the PG-13 rating. Why? Because it has opened up an entirely new group of movies that would probably be rated R except the filmmakers got rid of the blatant nudity and eliminated the sex. The latest movie in this group is “Bring It On.”

Now don’t get me wrong, it’s a fun, spirited movie, totally targeted at the teen group, but I’m thinking the younger teens are going to be excited to see this movie rather than the older teens, and for the youngins I just think it’s too adult. Maybe I’m just beginning to become an old fart, but if you’re giving me a movie with cheerleaders running around in their underwear and spouting tons of sexual innuendos, please make it about college cheerleaders, let them be naked, and go all out.

The story kinda plays out like this: Kristen Dunst plays Torrance who has just been elected as Captain of the cheerleading squad. Their squad is the best, has been for years, but the problem is that they have been stealing the cheers of a different school, an inner-city school. Well, for once, the other school is headed to the competition, Torrence finds out about the stolen cheers before the competition, hires a choreographer to draft a new cheer, only to be humiliated at regional’s when another school does their cheer routine first. All is not lost, however, because they still have three weeks until nationals (they get invited back no matter how much they suck because they are the previous champions), and Torrance finds it in her soul to rally the cheerleaders to come up with something brand new. And, oh yea, you also get a “he went off to college and I still love him but there’s this new kid at school who I’m digging” story line, the affluent versus the inner-city school story line, the “is it better to win or not be cheaters” story line, and the “are guy cheerleaders gay?” story line.

So many story lines, so little time, and all the while they might have had the high-schoolers having sex because they sure insinuated it enough.

It was a cheesy movie about competition and motivation (hell, I almost felt like cheering during the final competitions), but still enjoyable. The movie, though, could have had such a more wholesome appeal without all of the sexual innuendos. I’m not saying that I didn’t laugh at them, hell, I found them rather funny, but I’m just wondering if the 12 year olds were hopping in the car as mom would drive them home and ask “What’s cheer sex?” in response to Torrance’s friends egging her “You’re having cheer sex with him!” Maybe they have to learn sometime.

So I see “Bring It On” as this: They should have cleaned it up and made it about competition and motivation rather than sex; or – gone balls out, made them college cheerleaders, and made the movie into a quality skin-flick to be shown on late night cable. It’s too bad sometimes that PG-13 let’s Hollywood tread that line. Maybe they need a PG-16 rating?

The competition scenes were great, the love story was nice, the bickering of high-schoolers was right on, and the poking at cheerleaders was cute at times. It’s too bad I felt a little dirty after seeing it. It’s 2 ½ stars out of 5, but I’d rate it at least PG-16.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!