Tag: movie reviews

The Bourne Ultimatum

MPAA Rated – PG-13
It’s 1:55 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

The Bourne Ultimatum
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Matt Damon, Julia Stiles, David Stratham, Joan Allen
MPAA Rated: PG-13
Released By: Universal Pictures
Release Date: 2007
Kiddie Movie: Leave them at home, this is for teens and above.
Date Movie: If she liked “The Bourne Supremacy” she’ll love this one.
Gratuitous Sex: Nah.
Gratuitous Violence: Lots of fighting but we usually don’t see people die.
Action: From start to finish.
Laughs: Some good chuckles.
Memorable Scene: I loved Jason Bourne leading Simon Ross through the train station.
Memorable Quote: Agent: “He drove off the roof!”
Noah: “What?”
Directed By: Paul Greengrass

Here’s some helpful advice if you are a nosey newspaper dude, have people trying to kill/kidnap you, and the only person helping to keep you alive is a rogue government agent who just beat the crap out of two of the goons – Do exactly what the agent says, do not deviate, do not think you know more than the agent, and do not open a door unless you are told to do so. Jason Bourne (Matt Damon) tried to help the dude, but sadly the newspaper dude thought he could run for safety. What a bonehead!

Anyway, Jason Bourne is back, still trying to find who made him like he is, and you’d be hard-pressed to find a movie as action-packed as “The Bourne Ultimatum” is, ever. The CIA, meanwhile, is still trying to find him, and as in “The Bourne Supremacy,” there are those in the government who need him dead, especially to hide some dirty, little secrets.

It seems in this installment there is a CIA dude, Neil Daniels (Colin Stinton), who doesn’t like the government program “Blackbriar,” which was born out of the “Treadstone” era, and has been leaking some information to a British reporter, Simon Ross (Paddy Considine). Now, because the government is monitoring all of our phone calls, all around the world, for key words, when Simon utters “Blackbriar” on his cell phone little does he realize the degree of spy-dom that he is about to unleash. Within moments phones are tapped, he is being trailed, and now that Jason Bourne has read Simon’s latest installment about himself, Jason enters Simon’s life, trying to save the dude so he can find out about “Blackbriar” and thus, where he came from.

And so “The Bourne Ultimatum” begins traversing the European countryside as Jason looks for Neil, he finds Nicky Parsons (Julia Stiles, whom I still have a crush on) in Madrid, the both of them head to Tangier where Neil supposedly is hiding out (and he’s an idiot), an “asset,” a.k.a. assassin, is dispatched to kill Neil, Nicky, and Jason, but Jason will have none of that, well at least not all of that, and in the meantime, back in the states, Noah (David Strathairn), leading the CIA folks in New York City, is pissing the hell out of Pamela Landy (Joan Allen back for more fun) as he crosses a line in the aspects of killing people.

Jason, of course, because we know from the movie trailer, makes his way back to NYC, finds a “friend” in Pam, leads Noah and his people on a couple of wild goose chases, and finally finds out how he became the killing machine he has become.

In following in the tradition of “The Bourne” movie franchise this third installment will give you just about everything you are looking for, and expect, following “The Bourne Supremacy.” You have the sneaky government, with even more internal sneakiness by those thinking they have ultimate power; you have scary technology that can track you anywhere in the world; you have “assets” who lack the skills of the ultimate “asset”; you have car chases that are utterly fantastic and over-the-top; you have action and suspense from start to finish; you get a chuckle or two from some fantastically placed dialogue; and you have Jason Bourne, in ultimate Bourne-ness.

I loved this movie even more so than the “Supremacy” flick. Sure, things were a little over-the-top at times, but the inventiveness (like how Bourne gets into Noah’s safe) eclipsed the previous two, and I liked that Julia Stiles had a larger role in this installment, especially since I’m a stalker of hers.

You will get exactly what you expect in this movie, and then some, because there really isn’t a dull spot from start to finish. The movie starts with Bourne on the run; the movie ends with another movie able to be made if the film folks so choose. Just keep Paul Greengrass directing, keep the writing as we have come to love it, and this franchise can probably continue for a long while.

A great thriller. I’m giving “The Bourne Ultimatum” 5 stars out of 5.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

The Blair Witch Project

MPAA Rated – R
It’s 1:20 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

Blair Witch Project
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Heather Donahue, Michael C. Williams, Joshua Leonard
MPAA Rated: R
Released By: Artisan Entertainment
Release Date: 1999
Kiddie Movie: No way.
Date Movie: She might get scared, or just wonder what the fuss is about.
Gratuitous Sex: I might have liked the movie more had Heather gotten naked.
Gratuitous Violence: Implied.
Action: Lots of running through the woods.
Laughs: Mostly at just how stupid our three characters are.
Memorable Scene: None.
Memorable Quote: None.
Directed By: Daniel Myrich, Eduardo Sanchez

As I came out of “The Blair Witch Project” the first thought that came to my head was that these three kids deserved to die. I’m going to give some spoilers, but you know what, I don’t care. Things bugged me a lot about this movie. Things like where is this magical river that goes in a circle, at least that must be the case because our weary travelers, once lost, decided to follow a river and ended up where they started. Also, who taught these people how to read a compass? Let’s see, it points north, and if we keep walking east, well, we end up going, well, seemingly not east. There are countless other things that bugged me, but in the end what bugged me the most was that this movie isn’t as scary as everyone says, at least not to me. Just different.

“The Blair Witch Project” tells the fictional documentary of two dudes and a chick who got lost in the woods and only their film footage was found. It takes us through their interviewing people about the mythical Blair Witch and then through their scary adventures in the woods where none of these city folk should ever go. They get lost, throw away the map, can’t read a compass, follow the circular river, run through the woods at night without running into a tree, and the end of the footage shows a dude facing the corner in the basement (just like the legend says – a lot of people leaving the theater seemed to miss this part of the movie, confused why the dude was standing in the corner), screams ensue, and the camera falls to the ground. And as one dude sitting next to me said “That’s it?” That was it.

I can see why so many critics love this movie. It is different and had the pre-publicity as being totally scary and inventive, especially for the $60,000, no wait, $40,000, no wait, $10,000, no wait, $80,000, no wait, who the hell really knows how much it cost to make this film. But the scariest movie ever? I don’t think so. For me it was just different.

I’ll give the publicity machine credit for this movie because once some words got out, well, everyone had to see it. I don’t know who was giving this movie the buzz it got, but it sure didn’t seem to be the likes of the people leaving the theater I was at.

Different. Yeah. Scary. No. And Trash thinks it was the chick who killed the boys. Here comes the sequel.

With that I give “The Blair Witch Project” 1 ½ stars out of 5. I just didn’t find it that good.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Brassed Off

MPAA Rated – R
It’s 1:47 Long
A Review by:
– Stu Gotz

Brassed Off
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Pete Postlethwaite, Tara Fitzgerald, Ewan McGregor, Stephen Tompkinson
MPAA Rated: R
Released By: Miramax
Release Date: 1996
Kiddie Movie: See “Date movie.”
Date Movie: Why waste more good money by bringing someone else along.
Gratuitous Sex: Would have made this movie more bearable.
Gratuitous Violence: No.
Action: No.
Laughs: No.
Memorable Scene: A financially troubled miner, whose wife has left him, is forced to make extra money by being a clown (with really big shoes). His depression grows too great so he hangs himself. In the hospital you see him being rolled in on a gurney with his big clown shoes sticking up. I almost pissed myself with laughter.
Memorable Quote: “Would you like to come up for some coffee?” Reply “I don’t drink coffee.” Response “I didn’t have any coffee anyway.”
Directed By: Mark Herman

“Easily the first great film of 1997!” Huh?!? What??? What movie did the critic from NBC-TV go see? It certainly could not have been the snooze fest of a movie that I saw. All I can think is that the “Brassed Off” promotions people put “Two Thumbs Up!” the bum holes of some critics to get such high praise.

I’m told that the movie’s title, “Brassed Off”, is British slang for “Pissed Off.” Well, quite honestly, I’m pissed off that I had to sit awake through this whole movie. Let me tell you, it was a tough battle to fight off the “head nods,” but I managed to make it through the whole “slow, not making a clear point, cliché” of a movie. This movie did have a lot of potential because it did touch upon so many emotional subjects, and there- in lies the problem I had with “Brassed Off.” – It just “touches” upon the character issues. Just as you, the audience, gets interested in a story line, the movie takes off in another direction, and that really brassed me off. This could have been a movie that made a dramatic point about how the closing of a coal mine can emotionally and financially affect the community surrounding it, and furthermore it could have showed how politics, both nationally and locally, enter into such situations. And you know, “Brassed Off” could have even followed one of two love lines: That of love growing or that of love dying. It does show all of that, but not with as great of detail or success that I would have liked. Instead the movie focuses far too much time on how a simple town band loosely holds together the community during it’s time of strife. Let’s be realistic, who is really gonna go off and toot a horn when their marriage and job are on the line, yet the movie chooses this fruitless story line and again does it with poor detail.

“Brassed Off” was an ambitious movie that tried to drive too may points home in too short of a time and therefore failed on all fronts. I really can’t recommend you spending your money to see this movie and seriously doubt that you would be able to even if you wanted to. “Brassed Off” was scheduled for a very limited release in LA and New York on May 23rd, and from there I fear it won’t get too far because I’m sure most people and “blue-collar” critics like myself would agree that this was a movie that tried and failed. I can only give “Brassed Off” 1 1/2 out of 5 stars.

I kinda feel real bad that I had to basically trash this movie, but I really thought it sucked! – Maybe I’m just an unsophisticated dolt. I’m sure that a lot of people may like this movie, but if you’re not sure if you want to go see it, ask yourself the following question:

Question: If I were to walk into a lounge (not a bar, pub, or crack house) would I order:

(a) A pint of Bass Ale
(b) A glass of ’77 Merlot
(c) A MGD Light in a bottle
(d) I wouldn’t be caught dead in a lounge!

If you choose the Bass Ale, this might be a movie you’d understand, but not necessarily like. If you’d go for the vintage wine, then this is definitely a movie you would see and probably tell your friends you loved, but deep down you really couldn’t understand it (you pretentious asshole). If you’re like me you would have gone for the Macro Brewed Beer, then I’d hazard a guess and say you’re not really gonna like this movie. Lastly, if you wouldn’t be caught dead in a place as classy as a lounge, then by all means save your money and don’t be caught dead in a theater showing Miramax’s newest release “Brassed Off.” ’nuff said.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

MPAA Rated – PG-13
It’s 2:47 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

The Curious Case
of Benjamin Button
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Cate Blanchett, Brad Pitt, Tilda Swinton
MPAA Rated: PG-13
Released By: Paramount Pictures & Warner Bros.
Release Date: 2008
Kiddie Movie: They’d probably get tired and bored.
Date Movie: If she’s okay with a long movie.
Gratuitous Sex: There are suggestions. Hey, Benjamin does grow up, I mean young.
Gratuitous Violence: Benjamin does go through World War II, but nothing horrible.
Action: Not really.
Laughs: Quite a few one-liners keep things light-hearted.
Memorable Scene: Brad Pitt as an old, I mean young man.
Memorable Quote: “That’s the saddest story I ever heard.”
Directed By: David Fincher

For as long as I can remember after seeing the first trailer for “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button,” I couldn’t figure out how they were going to have Brad Pitt “reverse” age. I mean, how do you start out as an old, full-sized man, and then end up as a little baby? The TV show “Mork & Mindy” pulled it off because, well, they were aliens, but the trailers showed an old man in the mirror looking sort of like Brad Pitt, and then Brad Pitt looking like, well, Brad Pitt. I must say that as the movie began, it finally made sense how Benjamin would age backwards, but then the ending just seemed wrong. Anyway, let’s get to the story.

“The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” opens with Daisy (Cate Blanchett) as an old, dying woman, in a hospital in New Orleans, just as Hurricane Katrina is bearing down on the gulf. Her daughter Caroline (Julia Ormond) is with her, and then Daisy has Caroline read from a diary and the story of Benjamin Buttons begins.

We learn of Benjamin’s birth, as a grotesque, old-looking baby, whose father leaves him on a doorstep to be raised by others at a home for old people, where, even though he’s kinda gross, the old people can relate. The problem is, instead of dying, the baby begins to grow up, but as he grows up in size and learns to speak and walk, he also reverses in physical appearance, looking younger and younger every day. As the story goes, Benjamin grows older as children do, realizing he likes girls (especially Daisy, who is too young for him because he, well, right now looks too old), wants to see the world, seeks adventure (finding it on a tug-boat that turns into a navy vessel, thereby giving Benjamin a sense of purpose, love and sex, and friendship), but always has a place in his heart for the old homestead, and Caroline. There finally comes a time when Benjamin and Caroline are the appropriate age, do the dirty deed, I mean make love, have a child amongst themselves, and life happily ever after, sort of.

Sure, I could give away a lot of the plot elements, like Benjamin having an affair with a lady who swims, who his father is, and how he dies (please, don’t bitch at me about giving away that he dies – it’s a story about the life of Benjamin Button – of course he dies), but what fun would that be? Actually, I so want to give away how he dies because I really didn’t like it, but maybe I’ll wait for the DVD review to give that away, and how I thought it was carried out wrong.

The thing is, I really liked “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button,” except for, well, how he died, and I’m torn if I should let that influence my rating. You see, it’s really a nice story and a curious take on life and growing old, the acting in the movie is fantastic across the board, and the effects of making Brad Pitt start as an old man and reverse age are utterly fantastic (ladies, you will easily remember how you fell in love with him during his “Thelma & Louise” phase, and I’m thinking Angelina Jolie is probably saying “You know, he has great potential to be a hot looking older dude!”). Some people are complaining the movie is too long (it clocks in at almost the three hour mark) but come on, you can’t squeeze 80 years of a person’s life in an hour and half, and really, it doesn’t play out that long. I sort of wish, though that more time would have been spent with Benjamin as an old man, or rather, I mean as a young man, I mean, when he was an old man but looked like a young man, although I suppose his true formative years were when he was an old man, I mean a young man, I mean when he was young but looked like an old man.

Visually the movie does deserve a trip to the movie theater, and I suppose, Benjamin’s death aside, it’s a great movie, so I’ll just leave my rating at a very solid 4 stars out of 5. The story is entertaining, the effects are fantastic, the acting is entertaining, and Brad Pitt sure has come a long way from his “I’m just a hot piece of ass” days. If you don’t see the movie in the theater, which I do recommend, put it high in your Netflix queue when it makes it to video.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon

MPAA Rated – PG-13
It’s 1:59 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Chow Yun Fat, Michelle Yeoh, Zhang Ziyi, Chang Chen, Cheng Pei Pei
MPAA Rated: PG-13
Released By: Sony Pictures Classic
Release Date: 2000
Kiddie Movie: They might find the flying fun, but they’ll have to read the entire movie.
Date Movie: Most of the characters are dudettes so she might like it.
Gratuitous Sex: Almost shown, between Jen and Lo
Gratuitous Violence: People kicking ass and a dude gets a blade in his head.
Action: See “Violence.”
Laughs: I laughed at the people flying through the air.
Memorable Scene: Why didn’t Jen just cut the tree branch?
Memorable Quote: None.
Directed By: Ang Lee

The best movie ever! The best movie of the year! You’ve got to go see this movie! They said the same thing about “The Blair Witch Project.” This time the buzz revolves around “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon” and all I’ve got to say is it’s no “Dude, Where’s My Car?” (Yes, if you read my review of “Traffic” you will notice the similarity in opening paragraphs. My feelings are the same on both so why try a different opening line?)
I know I’m in the minority when it comes to reviewers, but I didn’t think “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon” was all that great. Sure it had a nice story, sure some of the fight scenes kicked ass, but people could fly and rather than have me cheering and in awe, I just laughed at them.

“Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon” is brought into the states as a subtitled martial arts film, yup, that means you have to read the movie instead of get engrossed in the visuals, and maybe that’s one of the problems I had with it. But I don’t think so. In any case you’ve got Li (Chow Yun Fat). He’s giving up his ways as a security dude, telling Yu (Michelle Yeoh) to take his sword as a gift to a political leader. No sooner does she present the sword then it’s gets stolen. Enter Jen (Zhang Ziyi), the governor’s daughter about to be wed to a man she doesn’t love. We quickly find out that she is being trained by another woman hell bent on destroying people. Li comes back to get his sword, is convinced that Jen can be a good person with the right training, but Jen is a bad seed, always causing problems, especially with her really being in love with a desert rogue, Lo (Chang Chen).

The story was nice and simple, which was good especially since you have to read it as you work to experience it, and as a love story, a story about good and evil people, well, you root for Li, wish Jen would see the errors of her evil ways, and want Jen and Lo to get together. But then came the fighting. Now don’t get me wrong, I love a good fight scene, like people “climbing” walls as they would jump back and forth between buildings, but when they started flying I started losing it. There they would be, running along a rooftop, and then “Weeeeeeeee!” Their legs would start running like Fred Flintstone starting his car and they would launch themselves to the next rooftop, or along the tops of trees. I just couldn’t buy it. Now I know it goes along with the whole mystical training storyline, but for me it just seemed funny, kinda like the touching moment when the one dude has a blade stuck in his head and is dying and I just laughed.

I did think “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon” was a good movie although I think I would have rather had it dubbed instead of subtitles (I was brought up on Godzilla movies so the fact that the mouths don’t match the words doesn’t bother me) so I could get absorbed into the characters more, and it would have been better to show the reason these people could fly, maybe with a look at the training taking place, at least then there would be a logical explanation. I know you might say something like, “Yea, but dude, they did the same thing in ‘The Matrix’ and you loved that.” To which I will respond “Sure, but they could fly because they were manipulating a computer program.” Show me why these people can fly and maybe I won’t find it funny, but that’s just me, and well maybe also The Dude on the Left who saw the movie with me and found the flying scenes just as funny as I did. Yea, I read that flying scenes are normal in Hong Kong movies, but for me, I need to see why you can fly and not just “it’s in the training.”

So I’m going to give “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon” 3 stars out of 5. Give me dubbed over subtitled, give me a flying lesson, and why is this movie rated PG-13 when a dude gets a big blade thrown into his head? Just me I guess.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

The Crocodile Hunter: Collision Course

MPAA Rated – PG
It’s 1:30 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

The Crocodile Hunter:
Collision Course
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Steve Irwin, Terri Irwin
MPAA Rated: PG
Released By: MGM
Release Date: 2002
Kiddie Movie: A little scary, but it’s really for them.
Date Movie: Only if she is a huge Crocodile Hunter fan.
Gratuitous Sex: Nope.
Gratuitous Violence: Animals chomping at things and Steve fighting off the bad guys.
Action: Chasing animals.
Laughs: There are some.
Memorable Scene: Nothing really stands out.
Memorable Quote: “I think the binoculars just picked up The Discovery Channel!”
Directed By: Johns Stainton

I enjoy getting my Crocodile Hunter fix every now and then – watching Steve and Terri Irwin travel the world in search of neat animals and always being “this” close to getting a lethal dose of venom from a snake or spider, or “this” close from getting a limb torn off by a ferocious crocodile, and I was a little curious as to how they would transform this phenomenon into a full-fledged movie. It turns out they didn’t. Sure, the movie is an hour and a half long, so that makes it a movie, but “The Crocodile Hunter: Collision Course” is a weird movie to watch, and this will be a little hard to explain.

First, there is a movie with a plot going on. It’s a bad movie with bad acting about a piece of a satellite that crashed in Australia. One government agency wants to show-up the other government agency by getting the piece back first. Oddly enough a crocodile eats this satellite piece, making it hard for the agents to find. All along, this crocodile keeps terrorizing a grumpy rancher lady who keeps trying to shoot it because the croc keeps eating her cattle. So you’ve got a movie going on. Enter the Crocodile Hunter. Now we get what might as well be clips of the television show because instead of Steve and Terri acting how they are saving a kangaroo, a snake, a spider, etc., nope, we get Steve narrating to the camera how dangerous the snake and spider are, and how they hope to save the kangaroo, just like the T.V. show. Now switch back to the movie plot, now switch back to the T.V. show, now switch back to the movie plot, etc.

Finally the Irwins are mixed into the movie plot when they are called in to move the crocodile to a location it won’t be attacking any cattle. Now the agents think the Crocodile Hunter is some crazy spy because the tracking beacon in the satellite piece shows Steve and Terri have the piece, when it’s actually still in the crocodile they are moving, and Steve and Terri think the agents are poachers trying to kill the crocodile. Ha, Ha!

The wrong thing with this movie is the movie plot, and how all they do is basically intermix the Crocodile Hunter T.V. show with the plot. It doesn’t work. They could have probably tried to just have an hour and a half movie version of the T.V. show, but would we pay for that when we can get it on cable? In the end, the kids in the audience did seem to enjoy the movie, maybe because they can just forget the dumb movie and enjoy Steve Irwin being the Crocodile Hunter. I couldn’t.

For the kid fans of the Crocodile Hunter, this is probably a 3 ½ star movie, but for adults, or at least me, it’s around 1 ½ stars. Let’s average those together and give it 2 ½ stars out of 5. You can probably wait for cable on this one, or wait, just go ahead and watch his show on cable.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

crazy/beautiful

MPAA Rated – PG-13
It’s 1:39 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

crazy/beautiful
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Kirsten Dunst, Jay Hernandez, Bruce Davison
MPAA Rated: PG-13
Released By: Touchstone Pictures
Release Date: 2001
Kiddie Movie: It’s a deep drama – bring the older ones.
Date Movie: She might get a tear in her eye.
Gratuitous Sex: Kirsten almost gets naked, lots of bra-less shirts.
Gratuitous Violence: Not really.
Action: Not really.
Laughs: Nah.
Memorable Scene: There were a few but I won’t give any of them away.
Memorable Quote: Maddy – “I forgot to wear anything!”
Another scene, Nicole – “I’ve got a condom, he’d be so proud.
Directed By: John Stockwell

Are you looking for a good drama, even if it is a teen drama? You are. Well go see “crazy/beautiful.”

I was tricked by the trailer, much like I was tricked by the “A.I. Artificial Intelligence” trailer. I thought “A.I.” would be a great family film but, after seeing it, well, I say leave the family at home. I thought “crazy/beautiful” was going to be your generic “boy on the wrong side of the tracks trying to sleep with the rich chick and the families just don’t understand” kind of movie, and, well, one of the families didn’t understand, not the family you might think, and “crazy/beautiful” somehow turned into a great film that, yea, I’m a puss, but brought a tear to my eye.

I hesitate to give too much away about this film except the following. Nicole (Kirsten Dunst) comes from a rich family but she’s a wild child. Carlos is from the other side of town just trying his best to get into the Naval Academy. But love is love and you can’t stop it, and neither can Nicole and Carlos. You would think Nicole’s dad, Tom (Bruce Davison) would want Carlos to have nothing to do with his daughter, that Carlos isn’t good enough for his daughter, but in this movie it’s the other way around. No, Dad wants Carlos to stay away from his daughter because he knows Nicole will ruin the boy’s life of becoming all that he could be. Dad is afraid of his daughter, the daughter just doesn’t understand, and my synopsis is short because, in the end, the trailer showing the wrong type of film was actually better because not knowing some of the plot points, well, that turned “crazy/beautiful” into a great film.

Kirsten Dunst is great in her role as Nicole. She’s screwed up, mixed up, a rich chick driving a crap car and just trying to get through being 17. Jay Hernandez is pretty alright too as Carlos, the dude whose family is relying on him to be the one that gets out of the hood and make something of himself. And, well, that’s about all I’m going to say about this film because it’s too good as long as you don’t know what it’s really about.

Kirsten almost got naked, yet, didn’t, which, actually, was even hotter. Jay, I wasn’t really looking at Jay although the dudettes probably would find him hot. And “crazy/beautiful” is one of those great drama type films that you will be too afraid to see thinking it will be your generic teen story, but it’s not. Seeing it might give you a little insight into your kids, seeing it might make you remember a little about your high school days, and seeing “crazy/beautiful” won’t waste you money if you’re looking for a decent drama about life and growing up. It’s 4 stars out of 5 for “crazy/beautiful.”

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Crash

MPAA Rated – R
It’s 2:02 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

Crash (2004)
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Sandra Bullock, Don Cheadle, Matt Dillon, Jennifer Esposito, Brendan Fraser, Ludacris, Ryan Phillippe, Tony Danza
MPAA Rated: R
Released By: Lions Gate Films
Release Date: 2004
Kiddie Movie: Put them to bed before watching. It’s R for a variety of reasons.
Date Movie: It’s good for everyone.
Gratuitous Sex: Some nudity!
Gratuitous Violence: Some shooting.
Action: Some car chases.
Laughs: There’s a chuckle or two.
Memorable Scene: The scene with the locksmith, his little girl, and the a gun.
Memorable Quote: The chop-shop guy: “Do I look like I wanna be on The Discovery Channel?”
Directed By: Paul Haggis

It’s got the normal commentary stuff and pretty much the “Behind the Scenes” featurette is mostly just those involved with the film saying they thought this movie was powerful from the first reading. Nothing spectacular or particularly cool.

I wanted to catch “Crash” in the theaters, but just never got around to it. Then I saw the DVD in the store, and for some reason I bought it. I’m really glad I did.

“Crash” gives us a movie where a variety of character’s lives all intertwine in a variety of ways, and a lot of times it’s totally politically incorrect as we see how some people can be blatantly racist while others have it in them, they just don’t seem to realize it. Opening with a car crash scene, we are introduced to Don Cheadle playing a police detective named Graham, but before we get too far, the movie takes us back to the day before, and the events occurring that set up all of our characters somehow being about one separation from each other. We get a family getting a gun to protect their store; we get a car-jacking; we get a man getting run over; we get a locksmith just trying to make a good life for his family yet being labeled a gang-banger; we get a racist cop feeling-up a man’s wife; we get his partner totally repulsed; we get a magic necklace; we get a naked Jennifer Esposito, and we even get Tony Danza as a T.V. dude telling Cameron (Terrence Howard) that one of his actors wasn’t sounding black enough. And yes, somehow all of these things intertwine the lives of the characters.

I hesitate to really say more about this movie because in doing so it will give away some of the best plot twists and turns I have seen in a movie in a long time, how one event between people can influence the events of other people and influence the events of even other people. That being written, the great thing about this film is that it doesn’t hold back in its politically incorrectness because, sadly, in the world we live in, there are a lot of people out there with the thoughts and attitudes of the entire cast of characters.

The strength of this movie is both the story, as well as the acting of all of the characters. We know Don Cheadle is a great actor, but my surprise was by the likes of Matt Dillon, Sandra Bullock, Terrence Howard, and Chris “Ludacris” Bridges, who is quietly building a pretty decent film resume, and this role really let him shine.

“Crash” is a serious drama, and a damn good drama, so if you are in the mood for one, pick it up. It doesn’t hold back, the actions of some of the characters should repulse you, and if they don’t, you might want to take a look at your own opinions relating to race. It’s 4 ½ stars out of 5 for “Crash.”

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Crash

MPAA Rated – NC-17
It’s 1:40 Long
A Review by:
– Stu Gotz

Crash (1996)
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: James Spader, Rosanna Arquette, Holly Hunter, Deborah Kara Unger, Elias Koteas
MPAA Rated: NC-17
Released By: Fine Line Features
Release Date: 1996
Kiddie Movie: Definitely not.
Date Movie: Only if she’s kinky. This is definitely not a first date movie.
Gratuitous Sex: Did you read the review yet?
Gratuitous Violence: Again, there are a lot of car crashes and a sex scene that leaves James’ wife severely bruised.
Action: Lots of car crashes but not in the typical action movie sense. This is not intended to be an action movie.
Laughs: Not in a comedy movie sense
Memorable Scene: Actually . . . There are two scenes that were needed for the movie to work but I could have gone without seeing them. The first is when Vaughan and James’ wife (Deborah Kara Unger) are getting friendly in the back seat of a convertible while going through a car wash. I guess she decided to make a sandwich because she wiped the excess mayonnaise off her finger onto the upholstery of the car (read between the lines here people). The next scene is when James and Vaughan are getting close in the same car. I guess they too were hungry and Vaughan is a sloppy eater because James licks some Mayo off Vaughan’s face. Then he sodomizes him. Those sleezy movie director types.
Memorable Quote: Vaughan takes the gum out of a hooker’s mouth and tells her “I don’t want you blowing it up my urethra.”
Directed By: David Cronenberg

Any movie that a high profile newsstand magazine calls appalling, or something like that, has got to be a movie for me. Such is the case for the latest flick with James Spader, “Crash.” Personally I think that magazine criticism was a little too harsh. I don’t doubt that half of middle America and all of Blue Collar America would agree with them, but there is definitely a niche market for this movie. I’m talking about all those “Latte- Drinking-Artsy-Fucks”, the other half of Middle America, and all you perverts (I know you heard about the perverted side of this movie and a net search engine sent you here). I like to think that I fall somewhere between the happy perverts and the Middle America people who will somewhat be able to understand and appreciate this movie.

So what’s it about? In its simplest of séances it’s a movie about erotic fetishes. Specifically, it’s about people who find sexual gratification through sharing a common bond. That bond? They all get off on car crashes because they have all lived through them. From a “hyper-art” point of view the movie is much more and a very detailed study of the human psyche’. I’m an intelligent, deep, and profound person and I would agree there is a whole lot more going on in this movie, but I’m not pretentious enough to elaborate on such details. So sue me! I like to talk about things in their simplest of forms and this movie is simply soft-core porn with an interesting angle and good acting (something rare in porn, soft core or not).

This is not the first time James Spader has been in such a risqué film. Some of you will recall he was in “Sex, Lies, and Videotape.” That movie was also about sexual fetishes but plays like an episode of “Barney” when compared to “Crash’s” depth and sexuality. James has also been in some real cheesy movies too (I won’t mention them). The guy really has some balls in that he is willing to take chances in movies and I think that will pay off for him in the future (he won’t be type-cast). As far as his role in “Crash”, James plays James Ballard, a kinky movie producer who’s whole sexual life is changed when his car crashes into Dr. Helen Remington’s (Holly Hunter) injuring both and killing her husband. Holly is another gal who has taken some chances that have paid off. She’s been in the Academy Award winning “the Piano” and the cult classic “Raising Arizona.” Anyway, from there they are drawn into a weird sexual cult whose leader is a man named Vaughan (Elias Koteas). I say cult because all these people commune together, fuck together, and re-enact car crashes as if they were religious experiences. Vaughan himself is a veteran of several intentional crashes. Through Vaughan, James and Helen discover whole new sexual sides to themselves. Vaughan keeps around Gabrielle as his “handicapped by a car crash” trophy. Gabrielle is played by quirky actress Rosanna Arquette. Now here is a girl with a weird movie career. I don’t think she ever really recovered from Madonna stealing the spotlight in “Desperately Seeking Susan.” Her last role, that I can recall, was playing the part of the chick with all the shit in her face in “Pulp Fiction” and now she’s playing the kinky sex kitten with disfigured and crippled legs in “Crash.” I really don’t see her very small part in this movie doing anything for her career.

All of these characters not only get off on car crashes and making it in cars, but they also get off on each other. That’s right folks. . . Holly makes out with Rosanna and James does a little more than kiss Elias. This should get the preachers on a pulpit preaching about how mainstream society has gone wrong.

So have I given you the impression that there is a lot of sex going on in this movie? Well, there is from the very first scene, to the very last, and all in-between!!! But don’t be fooled by that. The scenes may be very hot, but they are shot with a lot of tact and taste so don’t be expecting to see any penetration, James’ weenie, or Holly’s bush.

In a simple and semi artistic/phyche sense I enjoyed this movie. I ain’t gonna be recommending it to my mother, though I probably would see it again with a close friend (as long as she’s wearing a skirt and no panties). This movie is not for everyone – if you’re a “blue-collar meat and taters” kind of person save your money for the next Van Damme movie due out soon. All of you intellectuals and perverts should find this movie appealing, and the rest of you just flip a coin. As for me I’ll go on record as saying I like this movie in it’s simplest of senses and give it 3 out of 5 stars, and I’m a happily perverted Stu Gotz.

Crank

MPAA Rated – R
It’s 1:27 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

Crank
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Jason Statham, Amy Smart, Dwight Yoakam
MPAA Rated: R
Released By: Lions Gate Films
Release Date: 2006
Kiddie Movie: Only if you want them addicted to Red Bull.
Date Movie: If she can appreciate this type of film.
Gratuitous Sex: It’s out in the open in Chinatown, and is pretty funny, and there are also lots of boobs.
Gratuitous Violence: Does cutting off a dudes hand and blowing his brains out sound violent enough.
Action: Duh?
Laughs: Quite a few chuckles.
Memorable Scene: I’ll just put it this way: Chev, facing the bad guys, pretends his hand is a gun, and then Verona drops a load in his pants.
Memorable Quote: Eve: “Don’t talk to him like that. My boyfriend kills people.”
Directed By: Mark Neveldine, Brian Taylor

From some of the other reviews I have scanned for “Crank,” a lot of reviewers seem to be trying to compare this movie to the 1950’s “D.O.A.,” more on the aspect of “See, I can appreciate film noir. I am a hoity-toity reviewer and know film, and you don’t.” Here’s the problem, these movies are two different animals. “D.O.A.” is a murder mystery where the dude who gets poisoned doesn’t know who killed him and has to figure it out. In “Crank,” Chev Chelios (Jason Statham) knows exactly who poisoned him, and he’s going to do all that he can to get revenge before he dies, and he’s got to do it quickly. Let’s go…

Chev wakes up one morning to find he is feeling out of sorts. Stumbling around his apartment he finds a new DVD with a nice invitation to view it. Upon viewing he finds that he has been poisoned by the bad dude, Verona (Jose Pablo Cantillo), with some wacky, Chinese, synthetic poison, and Chev has about an hour to live. Not too happy, he takes it out on the TV, bolts his apartment, tries to contact his doctor and girlfriend, and sort of starts to figure out that if he keeps things pumping, he feels better. So it’s a race to see if Chev can stay amped up long enough to track down Verona and get some revenge. And get some revenge he does, along with finding out that he has been betrayed, yet still knowing he has one trump card to play.

Driving, running, crashing, shooting, and cleavering his way around Los Angeles, his doctor, Doc (Dwight Yoakam) gives Chev some ways for him to stay alive a little while longer, Chev seeks out his “epitome of a blond joke girlfriend,” Eve (Amy Smart), to give her the bad news, finds out that using too much epinephrine can give you a raging boner, and does his best “Blues Brothers driving through a mall” imitation. Eventually, of course, he finds Verona, and his double-crossing ex-boss, Carlito (Carlos Sanz), and plays his trump card, pretty much causing Verona to drop a load in his pants.

The premise of “Crank” is simple – Chev can’t slow down or he will die, and he finds lots of ways to keep going, including finding out that there’s nothing like some out-in-the-open sex to get the heart pumping. The thing that I liked about the movie, and whether intended or not, is that the movie doesn’t take itself seriously. It’s about speed and keeping your heart racing which means it’s about car chases, overdosing on epinephrine, stealing all of the Red Bull from the convenience store, stealing a cops motorcycle out from under him, and having sex. It’s also about a dingbat girlfriend, a quirky doctor, and some pretty dumb criminals.

Go to “Crank” expecting some over-the-top fun mixed with some neat plot twists, some quality kills, and gratuitous nudity, a well-placed playing of Loverboy’s “Turn Me Lose,” and you’ll get what you pay for. Go to “Crank” expecting the “film noir” of “D.O.A.” and you will probably hate it. I liked it and give it 3 ½ stars out of 5.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!